The judge who just wouldn't quit

Because it's our second anniversary tomorrow, we're awarding the first of three Yogi Awards to people or groups of people who, over the past 12 months, were smarter than the average whatever. Hillary Adams, daughter of November 2011’s Bellend of the Month, gets the first Yogi Award for being smarter than the average daughter. In January, she spoke out against some new outrages her father, who is already a total jerk, had committed against her and her sister. You can find out what she is saying here, but let me give you a taste of what she wrote in that update: he had promised her her school savings in return for a car, and he still has every penny and the car. If that were me put in that position, I would sell the car on eBay, and then the house, and I would use the money on a gun and bullets to put that loser out of his misery. But I’m not the one on the receiving end of his gross mistreatment, so I’ll just have to settle for the next best thing: I should start a campaign on Twitter to have that nutjob removed from office (I have selected #removewilliamadams as a candidate for the hashtag) and put in his place.

Not a good way to curry favour

Friends of Indian-origin student Dharun Ravi, who is on trial for allegedly spying on his roommate's sexual encounter with another man, have testified that he never harboured anti-gay sentiments. Taking the stand in the trial of 20-year-old Ravi for the defence, which began its case in a New Jersey court, were seven character witnesses, who were acquaintances of the former Rutgers University student and his father. They testified that they had never heard Ravi say anything bad or negative about gay people. I haven't either, and for all we know, he may well have been jacking off while watching the illicitly-obtained footage. I don't know whose side he's on but he shouldn't have filmed two guys getting it on without their consent. But because he did, he faces 15 charges, including invasion of privacy and bias intimidation for spying on his roommate, who committed suicide after finding out about the footage, while he was being intimate with another man. That is just wrong and I hope that pervert (or homophobe as the case may be) gets what's coming to him in the prison showers.

It's not just priests

A repressed homosexual church youth leader and former judge's associate has been jailed for 15 months for filming minors in toilets and hoarding child porn, but he may be eligible for parole in as little as four months. Anthony Kurt Power of Wynn Vale, South Australia pleaded guilty to two counts of engaging in indecent filming including images of minors and two counts of possessing child porn between July 2009 and March 2010. I think four months is too soon when it comes to bellends like him. His actions were a gross breach of the trust placed in him as a youth group leader and a friend, and he should be made to do the full 15 months at the very least. Child porn is a poor substitute for an as-yet ill-defined sexuality that he had repressed. And besides, if he was looking to go into the priesthood, he was at the wrong church.

And another Syrian leaves the Dark Side

Syria's deputy oil minister, Abdo Hussameddin, says he is resigning to join the anti-government revolt. He announced his defection in a video posted on YouTube, and is the highest level political figure to abandon the government of President Bashar al-Assad since the uprising erupted a year ago. I support his decision, as long as he doesn't switch back. Assad is definitely getting what's coming to him. That bellend is already unpopular even without losing his deputy oil minister, and I won't be surprised if he becomes the fifth Arab leader to be toppled by the people. And speaking of people, people should be impressed about the new iPad. It does have a faster chip, Retina display, and (with the obvious exception of Wi-Fi only models) 4G connectivity (even though we don't have 4G networks in New Zealand). And speaking of things we don't have in New Zealand, I found out that tonight's episode of The Cleveland Show (it's the one where Rallo's friend Murray gets married and Cleveland pretends to be thinner for his wife) had already aired in Australia. I feel bowled underarm knowing that Australia gets all the good stuff before we do. And speaking of good stuff, I will most definitely get an iPad 3 when it gets a bit cheaper.

Happy 22nd, Abby and Brittany

Today is also the 60th birthday of Antiguan cricketer Viv Richards. But more important, today is the day that Apple will reveal their next-generation iPad. Will it have a Retina display? Will it connect to LTE networks? Will it look a lot more awesome than the iPad 2? Will there be a more powerful chip? We'll just have to find out tomorrow.

Can an Arab soul yearn as well?

Israeli Supreme Court Justice Salim Joubran has the right not to sing the national anthem, "Hatikva." The law doesn't oblige him to do so, and the song's lyrics don't enable him to do so. As a loyal citizen of his country, the justice did not want to betray his conscience during the new Supreme Court president's inauguration by singing a song whose words are alien to every Arab citizen of Israel. An Arab citizen cannot sing "a Jewish soul yearns" or "the hope of 2,000 years," words that ignore the existence of an Arab minority in the State of Israel - a minority for whom this land is also their land.

The uproar that erupted following Joubran's refusal damaged the delicate fabric of Israeli democracy far more than his silence did. But against the background of the chorus of denunciations from the right, the position taken by Knesset Speaker Reuven Rivlin and Vice Prime Minister Moshe Ya'alon, both of whom came to Joubran's defense, was particularly noteworthy. They deserve high praise for this because even though Hatikva was written as an expression of the national sentiments of the Jewish people and Israel is a Jewish homeland, Arabs are just as much a part of Israel as the Jews.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Tottenham

This morning (New Zealand time as always) at White Hart Lane, Manchester United emphatically cleared a major hurdle in the race for the Barclays Premier League title, posting a priceless victory over the bellends playing for Tottenham Hotspur. One of Man United's goals was scored by Wayne Rooney and the other two by Ashley Young. The other goal was scored for Tottenham by Jermain Defoe. There were three yellow cards.

The casino's worth a gamble

As residents of Foxborough, Massachusetts got their first look this weekend at the resort casino envisioned by developer Steve Wynn, in the form of an artist’s rendering mailed to 7,000 households, opinion was mixed, with some recipients impressed and others dismissive. One thing, however, seemed clear: the visual aids would not bring consensus to the town of 17,000, where the casino issue has already proved deeply divisive. Even I, despite living thousands of kilometres away from the proposed casino, have a reason to support the casino and a reason to oppose it. The casino, on the one hand, could fuel the problem gambling and other issues like prostitution already plaguing Las Vegas and Atlantic City. But on the other hand, it could bring tourist dollars to the community, with maybe some of it going to a respected charity. However, I'm not the one in charge of the development and I'll just let the people of Foxborough sort it out for themselves.

Our second anniversary is in nine days

But there are some anniversaries today: today is the 15th anniversary of the Sky Tower's opening, but it's also the 21st anniversary of Rodney King being savagely beaten by four LAPD officers. That is one of the worst examples of white-on-black crime in history, and it should never have happened. Their acquittal by an 83.3% (ten out of twelve jurors) white jury in a state court caused widespread rioting throughout LA, and even after a federal trial resulted in two of the officers going to jail, the other two still got off. That was just horrible and unnecessary. If I were the presiding judge in the state trial, I would've overridden the jury's not guilty verdicts and had those nutjobs put in the stocks for a well-deserved dose of public humiliation.

Davy Jones has gone to his own locker

That's right, Davy Jones of the Monkees has died. But there's some more serious business to take care of. When Specialist Reynald Matias was heading to Afghanistan with his Army unit late last year, their chartered flight stopped to refuel at Leipzig-Halle Airport in Germany. During a brief layover, he called his wife in Tacoma, Washington, using his debit card on a payphone in the terminal’s troops-only transit lounge. “What are they charging you?” his wife, Crystal, asked when he reached her. He did not know, so she told him to hang up. A few days later she got the answer: $51 for what she estimated was a two-minute call. This is just not on. You can expect huge roaming charges when you use your cellphone overseas, but at a public payphone, it's just not right. $51 for a two-minute call is totally unfair. If I wanted to waste money like that, I'd chuck it in the fire.

Summer has ended on a good note

It’s not the extra day. It’s a mixture of three things:

• The Tokyo Sky Tree has been completed and is now the second-tallest structure in the world (after the Burj Khalifa in Dubai).
• North Korea has agreed to suspend uranium enrichment in exchange for humanitarian aid (this could just be a ruse).
• On Tuesday, The Pirate Bay stopped giving out links to .torrent files. Instead, they’re using Magnet links. It's simpler for them and no more hassle for you. It's more resilient than the .torrent files and it uses much less bandwidth for those who want to mirror. Also, since the magnet links are just a hash, it's on every single torrent detail page - so no-one knows that you actually downloaded a file or not (great for evading the Copyright Nazis).

My opinion of the third one? Fine by me, as long as it still gives me the movie or TV series I’m after. The Pirate Bay has been good to me because it means I don’t have to shell out my hard-earned cash on the DVD or wait for a repeat. Even though I’m always getting told off for using our entire monthly broadband allowance, it’s worth it because I’m getting something for nothing and the Copyright Nazis haven’t come after me yet, and with this new development, I don’t think they ever will.

That’s one more month shot

Our second anniversary is almost here. But before we get onto that, our Bellend of the Month is to be crowned. This month, it’s Tommy Jordan. That bellend shot his teenage daughter’s laptop and put the incriminating evidence on YouTube. His excuse? “My daughter thought it would be funny/rebellious/cool to post on her Facebook wall just how upset she was and how unfair her life here is; how we work her too hard with chores, never pay her for chores, and just in general make her life difficult. She chose to share this with the entire world on Facebook and block her parents from seeing it. Well, umm... she failed. As of the end of this video, she won't have to worry anymore about posting inappropriate things on Facebook... Maybe a few kids can take something away from this... If you're so disrespectful to your parents and yourself as to post this kind of thing on Facebook, you're deserving of some tough love. Today, my daughter is getting a dose of tough love.” He has the most retarded take on tough love. This is just horrible and he should, at the very least, be made to buy her a new laptop. He joins the tiger mom, the eagle dad, and that judge who beat the crap out of his daughter in 2004 in an ever-growing list of bad parents. If my father ever did that to my laptop, I’d turn that gun on him and make him deader than Amy Winehouse, Steve Jobs, Colonel Gaddafi, Kim Jong-il, and Whitney Houston combined. If you want to see that waste of a man carry out his dirty work, click here.

Reds continue march to the top

Manchester United's title bid was dramatically put back on track yesterday morning by Ryan Giggs' late winner in stoppage time at Carrow Road. Other goal-scorers in the match against Norwich City were Paul Scholes (for Man U) and Grant Holt (for Norwich City). Rio Ferdinand was one of three players to get yellow cards.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Posthumous baptism

Anne Frank, the most famous of all Holocaust victims, has been posthumously baptised at a Mormon temple, fueling the growing controversy over the bizarre practice. The rite was conducted recently in a Mormon temple in the Dominican Republic, according to Helen Radkey, an excommunicated church member turned whistleblower. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints practices proxy baptism, which is when they convert Jews, Christians, and Muslims to the faith years after they died by ritually dunking a stand-in for the deceased. Radkey has revealed that Mormons posthumously baptised thousands of people, including Joan of Arc, Charlie Chaplin, Marilyn Monroe, and Barack Obama’s mother. This is just weird and unnecessary, and there's not much point in baptising the dead. There are people who find God on their deathbeds, but I don't see how posthumously baptising someone is going to make their life the church's definition of better. People should just live while they can. Even if one does live a long and eventful life, be it 70, 80, 90, 100, or even more years, it can't be forever.

Is this a tough carpet to munch on or what?

Three women in Cameroon have been charged with practising homosexuality in what is believed to be the first such case in the country. The case, allegedly involving a lesbian love triangle, came to court on Monday, but has only been reported now due to the remoteness of the area. Homosexual acts in Cameroon are punishable by up to five years in prison. But that's five years too long. Homophobia is widespread in Cameroon, especially in a time where it shouldn't exist anywhere. It is possible that many homophobes may well be closet homosexuals themselves. This needs to stop.

Yemen has officially been freed from the evil Saleh

Yemen swore in its new president today, cementing a power transfer deal reached in November to end months of protests and violence over outgoing leader Ali Abdullah Saleh's longtime rule. Abdurabu Mansur Hadi, who served as Saleh's vice president and became acting president in November in an agreement brokered by the Gulf Cooperation Council, was sworn in today in front of Yemen's parliament. This is another important step forward in the democratic transition process, but it isn't really doing anything to help the oppressed in China or North Korea. And speaking of China, their growing influence in Nepal could mean that the mountainous republic sandwiched between China and India, which for decades has been a safe haven for Tibetans who escape China, could force a crackdown on the Tibetan minority. Traditionally, India has had the biggest influence in Nepal. But China's influence is growing, and as China becomes a bigger factor in Nepal, refugees from neighbouring Tibet say they are being squeezed. This could be bad news for the Tibetan people, and something needs to be done, even if it means war. And speaking of This Means War, I have three words to say about it: Best. Movie. Ever.

Eagle dad was bad enough

At the end of a dirt road leading to a double-wide trailer in rural Alabama, authorities say 9-year-old Savannah Hardin was being forced to run for three hours as punishment for having lied to her grandmother about eating candy bars. The severely dehydrated girl had a seizure and died days later, her death ruled a homicide. Her grandmother and stepmother who police say meted out the punishment are in jail, facing murder charges. This is obviously a very tragic, devastating, heartbreaking situation, and I hope those two scumbags get the chair for making the poor kid do all that running over something so petty as a few candy bars. In other news, Texas authorities removed 11 children on Tuesday from a crowded home where a registered sex offender lives after they found eight confined in a small, dark bedroom with restraints tying some to their beds.

Marriage: now open to same-sex couples

The government's denial of all federal benefits to same-sex married couples is an irrational and unconstitutional act of discrimination, a federal judge ruled yesterday. This is a step toward a likely Supreme Court test of a law known as the Defense of Marriage Act. The Defense of Marriage Act is based on unfounded assumptions about marriage and the suitability of gays and lesbians as parents, and was enacted in 1996 by a Congress avid to show its disapproval of homosexuality, said U.S. District Judge Jeffrey White of San Francisco. The law needs to go because it treats homosexuals (known by some bellends as fags, queers, carpet-munchers, dykes, and lots of other hurtful names) differently on the basis of their sexual orientation without any legal basis. The imposition of subjective moral beliefs of a majority on a minority cannot provide a justification. That horrid piece of crap, signed by Bill Clinton, denies joint tax filing, Social Security survivors' benefits, immigration sponsorship, and hundreds of other federal marital rights to same-sex spouses. But now, the law can one day be removed from the books and consigned to the trash pile where it belongs.

Who wants to see a real double rainbow?

Most people blow out a few candles on their birthdays, but Rihanna, who turned 24 on Monday, seems determined to start a full-on fire. In the wake of Chris Brown’s controversial return to the Grammy stage last week (many people were uncomfortable that Brown, who pled guilty to felony assault after a fight with Rihanna the night before the 2009 Grammys, was welcomed back to the show and given two performance slots), the two have been playing awfully nice with each other. On Monday, Chris Brown tweeted, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROBYN” (Rihanna’s real name is Robyn Rihanna Fenty), to which she quickly replied “Thanks!” The small exchange was enough to launch a thousand blog posts asking whether Rihanna should be interacting so benevolently with her former beau, whom many feel has not demonstrated adequate or genuine remorse about his past iniquities. But if Chris Brown truly has changed his ways, then I believe they have a chance of making it work. Even though Chris Brown is still on probation, this has showed us that anything is possible. I just hope they don't screw it up again.

McTestTube with fries and Coke, please

The world's first test tube hamburger will be served up this October after scientists perfected the art of growing beef in the lab. By generating strips of meat from stem cells researchers believe they can create a product that is identical to a real burger. The process of culturing the artificial meat in the lab is so laborious that the finished product, expected to arrive in eight months' time, will cost about £220,000. But researchers expect that after producing their first patty they will be able to scale up the process to create affordable artificial meat products. It might be a bit controversial, but the hunger problem plaguing the poorer nations can soon be put to rest.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Kiwi FM going international

Mediaworks-owned Kiwi FM has announced it will be introducing 40 percent international alternative music to its offerings. It is no secret the radio station has struggled to get a leg up in ratings with Mediaworks radio programme director Andrew Szusterman saying it ranked just a 0.1 percent share in the last biannual radio survey and around 0.4 percent when it was at the top of its game. For the most part, insider word mirrors the poor ratings and expresses the introduction of international music to be a positive change. That may be true, but no matter how crap the ratings are, there needs to be at least one radio station playing 100 percent New Zealand music. That's what made the station what it is, and if they do put the international music on, they'll have to change the name to reflect the change in playlist (Mainly Kiwi FM would be a good name) or face further criticism for false advertising.

Let's see Bear Grylls top this one

A Swedish man has survived being trapped in his snow-covered car for two months without food. The car was found on Friday at the end of a forest track more than 1 km from a main road in northern Sweden. Police say the temperature in the area had recently dropped to -30˚C. The man, who was too weak to utter more than a few words, said he had been inside since the 19th of December. He may have survived by doing a combination of drinking melted snow and going into a state of hibernation like some animals do in the colder months. But at least he's recovering at Umea University Hospital, where staff say he is doing well considering the circumstances. In other news, Latvians have resoundingly rejected the option of making Russian the country's second official language.

The 72 virgins will have to wait

Amine El Khalifi, the Moroccan man accused of trying to blow up the U.S. Capitol, told acquaintances that America's war on terrorism actually was a war on Muslims and they needed to be ready for battle. Then, the 29-year-old unemployed man started preparations of his own — and he thought everything was going according to plan. A man brought him an automatic weapon. He got a suicide vest, scouted out targets, and practiced setting off explosives. But yesterday, his goal to detonate the vest at the Capitol ended with his arrest in an FBI sting, according to U.S. authorities who had been monitoring him for nearly a year. But now, the FBI have got that bellend and he's now ready to be sent to Guantanamo where he belongs.

Marijuana One too close to Marine One

A small private plane carrying a load of marijuana strayed into President Obama's no-fly zone over LA yesterday and was forced to land at Long Beach Airport after being intercepted by U.S. Air Force jet fighters. The four-seat Cessna entered the restricted airspace at about 11 a.m. Pacific as the president was flying from Orange County to LAX aboard Marine One, a military helicopter provided for his use. Federal officials said the aircraft was never close enough to endanger Obama, but that doesn't excuse him being too close to the president or the weed. Aircraft are typically prohibited from flying within 10 miles of any plane or helicopter carrying the president. This rule is for the president's safety, but the marijuana on board shouldn't be that big a deal. The problems caused by some drugs are mostly caused by it being illegal, just like with black markets for alcohol during Prohibition. There are believed to be medicinal benefits as far as marijuana goes. In other news, a veteran Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department deputy has been arrested on suspicion of committing lewd acts with a child.

Saying no to robo

The Federal Communications Commission clamped down on telemarketers yesterday — even those from companies you do business with, such as your bank — by placing severe limits on robocalling and even texting. FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski said Congress and his agency have long recognised the need for consumers to have control over the telemarketing calls that come into their homes, and the FCC has long had rules to put consumers in control. But despite these clear ground rules, too many telemarketers, aided by autodialers and prerecorded messages, have continued to call consumers who don't want to hear from them. But now, this can come to a long overdue end. Telemarketers will now have to:

• obtain prior written consent before placing robocalls to consumers. Written does not mean handwritten, though — electronic forms are OK.
  
• obtain consent even if they had previously done business with the person they want to call. According to Consumer Reports, this means that if you have a checking account at a bank, marketers cannot call you to try to sell you on a home equity line of credit unless you sign off on being contacted.
  
• provide an automated way for people to revoke their consent to the robocall by pressing a few keys on their phone during the call. If this happens, the new rules require telemarketers to add the person to the company's Do Not Call list.
  
• strictly limit the number of so-called dead-air calls in which consumers answer phones and hear nothing.

In other news, a man who was eating at a downtown Las Vegas restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill (it offers "Bypass" burgers, "Flatliner" fries, and free meals to people over 350 pounds) had to be wheeled out of the restaurant on a stretcher on Saturday evening, after a medical episode that restaurant employees say looked like a heart attack.

Back to the Peseta

It is either a taste of Spain's past, or of the future after a euro armageddon. The rural town of Villamayor de Santiago has reintroduced the peseta. With its cobbled square and flocks of sheep, Villamayor seems an unlikely place for a monetary revolution. But in the flatlands of La Mancha, the home of Don Quixote, anything can happen. And it did. Lots of people have pesetas left at home still, and a decade after the currency was formally replaced by the euro, Villamayor's shopkeepers have taken in more than 1 million pesetas. In fact, all of Spain should bring back the peseta because the euro has been immersed in the European sovereign debt crisis since 2009. Governments the Eurozone over are being forced to default on their debts and resort to austerity measures, causing protests. Sorry to tell it like it is, but the euro's just not working out. It was good at first because of less currency changes at the border, but the euro is now at a crisis point. It can, however, still be saved.

Malaysia, truly corrupt

Malaysia's government on Monday defended its decision to deport a young Saudi journalist named Hamza Kashgari who may face persecution at home for allegedly insulting the Prophet Muhammad on Twitter. International rights groups have slammed the deportation but Home Minister Hishammuddin Hussein said Malaysia was not a safe haven for fugitives. That may be so, but everybody is entitled to their own opinion when it comes to stuff like religion. That poor guy should not have been booted out just for expressing an opinion the Malaysian authorities don't agree with. He was kept incommunicado and denied access to lawyers and the U.N. refugee agency just because of the free expression of opinion. By its actions, the ministry of home affairs once again showed that it believes rule of law is whatever it says and that it is more than willing to be totally opaque in its operations to maintain its flexibility to do what it wants when it wants. That act of cowardice means that someone who is about the same age as me could wind up deader than Whitney Houston because of their beliefs.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Galaxy Nexus

Apple has requested a ban on sales in the U.S. of the Samsung Galaxy Nexus smartphone, claiming that the showcase for Google's heavily touted Ice Cream Sandwich version of the Android operating system violates four Apple patents. Delicious as the new version's name may sound, there is no way this Android crap should be allowed on the market. Apple make the best phones and they deserve the market share they've built up over the years. Androids are total rubbish.

Three points does it

Two goals in four second-half minutes from Wayne Rooney took Manchester United to the top of the Barclays Premier League table after a predictably fractious, but thoroughly deserved victory over Liverpool this morning at Old Trafford. The other goal came from Luis Suarez, who started for the first time since receiving an eight-game ban for racially abusing Patrice Evra and unexpectedly shunned the United skipper's offer of a pre-match handshake, and two yellow cards were dished out.

Another parenting low

The latest animal parent, "Eagle dad", has caused an Internet uproar after uploading a video of him ordering his four-year-old son to run almost naked in a blizzard. According to China Daily, the father, He Liesheng, recorded the video of his son, He Yide, on a family vacation to New York during the Spring Festival holiday. In an attempt to make his son, who was born prematurely, and may have cerebral palsy, as strong and healthy as "others", he's implemented a rigorous training schedule including swimming, hiking, and jogging. His excuse? "When the old eagle teaches its young, it takes the young eagles to the cliff side, beats them, and pushes them to teach them to use their wings, and I believe I am helping my son in this way - to force him to challenge limitations and exceed his own expectations." That's bad parenting. This is worse than that whole Amy Chua thing. Ching chong parenting is not very good for children, and at best, it only furthers the stereotype of the overachieving Asian. What the "eagle dad" is doing to his son is child abuse, and he'd better stop it before he loses the kid.

Don't have a cow, girl

A Missouri mother accused of slitting the throat of her 9-month-old baby daughter reportedly tried to get help months before over what she thought was demonic possession. Bradie Simpson of Camden County, Mo., has been charged with first-degree assault and armed criminal action and was jailed on $200,000 bond on Tuesday for the February 4 incident. There is no such thing as demonic possession, and I'm guessing it's a really strange and severe mental disturbance. Also, after finding Simpson and the child, the cops found heroin inside Simpson's home. She seriously needs help.

SEVEN HUNDRED POSTS!

Scientists have shown off the smallest-ever laser that works at the colours of light used in telecommunications and at room temperature. The tiny light sources switch on with no "threshold", meaning they operate much more efficiently than earlier, small laser attempts. They are just one-fifteenth the size of the light waves that they produce, and the cavity where the laser light is generated is less than 100 billionths of a metre across. That really is something because laser beams can, in principle, carry vast amounts of information faster than traditional semiconductor electronics. The principal application for the tiny lights would be in computing and telecommunications, and that would be a real breakthrough for the organisation of protests in the Arab world.

Let there be choice

Last fall, Los Angeles took a hard line on school nutrition. In an attempt to mold better eating habits in kids, the Los Angeles Unified School District eliminated flavored milk, chicken nuggets, and other longtime childhood favorites. But instead of making kids healthier, the changes sent students fleeing from school cafeterias. There have been reports of a thriving trade in black-market junk food, of pizzas delivered to side doors, and of family-sized bags of chips being brought from home. Garbage cans are filling up with the more nutritious food (not if it gets dirtied up for Oscar or any other grouches living inside the bin), even if kids aren't. The lesson? You can't just bully kids into eating healthful foods and take their lunch money. Children will choose their food no matter what you place in the lunch line, even if the choice is simply not to eat. If you impose too big a change, kids will simply bring their lunch from home or have pizza delivered at the side door. Or they may skip lunch altogether and wait for an after-school junk food binge. If I were in charge of the district, the schools would give students a selection of healthy and unhealthy food. As the example in LA makes clear, trying to teach students to eat more healthful foods by removing other choices can backfire. When children (or even adults) feel restricted or forced into a decision, they naturally rebel. This rebellion is the drive behind the Arab Spring and several other revolutions. Heavy-handed measures might be effective at putting nutritious foods on the lunch tray, but it is crucial to remember that the food's nutritional benefits will not materialise until it is eaten. In other news, Michelle Duggar has had a miscarriage, so 19 kids it remains (for now). The other 19 kids' names, all starting with J, are: Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace, and Josie.

Strike a pose... but not that one

Madonna has built a nearly 30-year career on her ability to shock and surprise, especially during awards shows and live TV appearances. And though her glittery, high-energy halftime extravaganza at Sunday's (Monday in several countries) Super Bowl drew praise from the likes of Ashton Kutcher, Christina Aguilera, and Perez Hilton, it was a slip of the finger, and the tongue, by one of her guests that grabbed headlines. During a performance of Madonna's new single, "Give Me All Your Luvin'," singer M.I.A. topped her guest rap with a defiant flip of the middle finger and a not-safe-for-primetime s-bomb lyric.
 NBC's censors were not fast enough to obscure the gesture, or completely blot out the expletive, and following the game the network issued an apology for the incident. "We apologise for the inappropriate gesture that aired during halftime," a spokesperson said. "It was a spontaneous gesture that our delay system caught late." But that explanation doesn't excuse the censors' inaction. However, fault shouldn't be solely on the network. They may have a responsibility to censor inappropriate portions of television broadcasts, but the performers are the ones attempting to stir up trouble, and even if the censors acted in a timely manner, the people in the stadium would still see M.I.A's middle finger. The censors don't have any real control over the performers. But at least there weren't any "wardrobe malfunctions" during this halftime show.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Jonny Evans

That bellend scored an own goal for Chelsea this morning at Stamford Bridge. Had it not been for his stupid mistake, Man United would've been able to give Man City a good run for their money. I'd rather have Hitler on the team because that stupid own goal had given the Blues an undeserved half-time lead, and strikes early in the second period from Juan Mata and David Luiz had seemingly extinguished any hopes United had of closing the gap on Manchester City at the head of the Barclays Premier League table. As far as United's scoring went, Wayne Rooney scored two goals and Javier Hernandez scored one. Two Chelsea players received yellow cards.

Lard have mercy

Hans Feldmeier, a German pensioner who received a tin of American lard 64 years ago in an aid package, has only just tasted it, after discovering that it is still edible. A food expert, Frerk Feldhusen, said the lard was rather gritty and tasteless and hard to dissolve, though quite edible. Feldmeier must be one of the lucky ones because lard that old would most likely have turned rancid a long time ago. The red, white, and blue tin of Swift's Bland Lard bore no expiry date, so we're not sure when rancidification was supposed to have taken place. The test result might make some consumers think twice before discarding food immediately after the expiry date, but I wouldn't take chances with food that was starting to spoil.

Protection: the gravest no-no?

The Catholic Church reacted strongly yesterday to a White House defense of new rules that will force many religious employers in America to provide contraception to their workers in government-mandated health insurance plans. "The White House information about this is a combination of misleading and wrong," said Anthony Picarello, general counsel of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops. He said the bishops would "pursue every legal mandate available to them to bring an end to this mandate. That means legislation, litigation, and public advocacy. All options are on the table." What the bishops haven't realised is that contraception stops unwanted pregnancies, and many forms can also stop the spread of diseases like gonorrhoea, syphilis, chlamydia, and HIV. Also, the rules could be made better: religious institutions can qualify for an exemption if the services violate their beliefs, but not if they employ large numbers of people who do not share those beliefs. That should be taken out because if you're an employer, you have a responsibility to insure employees' health, and this includes helping them with covering up their nether-regions before they get it on.

May the frauds be with you

Dishonest bank staff are increasingly preying on their elderly customers, new fraud figures have shown. CIFAS, an anti-fraud organization in the UK whose members include most major banks and building societies, said that there had been an alarming increase in the level of fraud committed by employees, with a third of it involving the theft of cash from customer accounts. Many of these fraudsters steal from elderly and more vulnerable account holders, and their actions are as bad as muggers in the street. This is just not right. Any case of bank staff stealing from customers is unacceptable and this increase is very concerning – particularly at a time when banks are talking about regaining the public’s trust and confidence. Common sense measures such as asking for and then keeping a receipt for any deposit or withdrawal, can help in preventing fraud. Another measure would be to bring back the stocks so the public can throw dung and rotting food at the fraudsters. In other banking news, The Royal Bank of Scotland, which is 83 per cent owned by the taxpayer, will soon stop its ‘basic’ RBS and NatWest account holders from using other banks’ ATM machines.

This teacher got Berndt

Sorry about the bad pun. Mark Berndt, a veteran elementary school teacher, was arrested on horrifying child molestation charges after a film processor gave police photos showing blindfolded children with their mouths taped and cockroaches on their faces. The 61-year-old worked for more than 30 years at Miramonte Elementary in an unincorporated area of south Los Angeles before being fired as a result of the investigation. Miramonte serves a poor, mainly Hispanic neighborhood. More than half of its approximately 1,400 students are still learning English, according to the school's website.

Some of the photos showed Berndt with his arm around children or with his hand over their mouth. Other pictures depicted girls with what appears to be a spoon up to their mouths as if they were going to ingest a clear-white liquid. A blue plastic spoon and container found in the trash in Berndt's classroom tested positive for semen. None of the photos showed the students actually eating the semen, but the children reported they didn't like the taste. Authorities are recommending the children be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Also, some of the children's mouths and faces had large, live Madagascar-type cockroaches on them. This is just stupid and he should never be allowed to teach again.

A tale of two stars

Javier Hernandez and Dimitar Berbatov both scored penalties this morning at Old Trafford as Manchester United erased Manchester City’s three-point lead in the title race with a fourth consecutive league win, this time against Stoke City. The final score against Stoke City was 2-0. Three players were booked.

Elementary, my dear bellends

Usually, we have just one bellend to confer the dishonour of Bellend of the Month upon. We’ve had a posthumous award, one that was also the following day’s Weekly Gross-Out, and one that was awarded on the same day as a Weekly Gross-Out, but never more than one.

The co-Bellends of the Month for January 2012 are Kieran and Michele Mulroney. They are the people who wrote the screenplay for the new Sherlock Holmes movie that came out this month. I liked the movie, but either of those bellends could’ve been responsible for writing a scene set in a Romani (Romani is another name for gypsies) encampment somewhere in France. In that scene, which is the worst example of antiziganism since Romanian president Traian Basescu called a journalist a “stinking gypsy” on the same day he survived an impeachment vote, the Romani were depicted as liars and thieves. This is not on because these are very negative stereotypes. It’s just like saying that the Irish drink themselves to excess, or that black people eat fried chicken and do drugs, or that Asians are bad drivers, or that homosexuals are responsible for spreading HIV, or that Jews are greedy and covetous, or that all Muslims are terrorists. I realise Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was from a different time, but NewSouth Books was able to remove the N word and references to “Injuns” from Huckleberry Finn.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: "Honour" killings

A husband and wife originally from Afghanistan have been found guilty in Canada of murdering their three teenage daughters and the father's first wife in a case that the judge described as stemming from a twisted concept of honour. Afghan immigrants Mohammad Shafia and wife Tooba Yahya were convicted along with their eldest son, Hamed, and were sentenced to 25 years in jail without parole for the drownings. The court also heard testimony suggesting that the father had repeatedly clashed with his daughters on many issues, including dating, clothes, and use of the Internet. The daughters ranged in age from 13 to 19, and their bodies were found along with that of Shafia's childless first wife in the family car in a canal after a trip to Niagara Falls. The prosecution alleged that the victims were drowned elsewhere before their bodies were placed in the car and it was pushed into the canal. The concept of an honour killing is the homicide of a member of a family or social group by other members, due to the belief of the perpetrators that the victim has brought dishonour upon the family or community. However, in carrying out an honour killing, the perpetrators are actually killing their own honour. There is no honour in an honour killing, and nothing in the Koran permits or sanctions this rubbish. The first and most basic right that every Muslim is expected to follow is, in fact, the right to life. As written in the Koran (5:32), That if anyone slays a human being – unless it be [in punishment] for murder or for spreading corruption on earth – it shall be as though he had slain all mankind; whereas, if anyone saves a life, it shall be as though he had saved the lives of all mankind. In other news, officials in Kyrgyzstan say almost all prisoners have ended a hunger strike against jail conditions that saw 1,200 inmates across the former Soviet republic's penitentiary service sew their lips together in protest.

Fracks a lot

A different kind of F-word is stirring a linguistic and political debate as controversial as what it defines. To the surviving humans of the sci-fi TV series "Battlestar Galactica," it is used as a substitute for a vulgar curse word. The word is "fracking" — as in hydraulic fracturing, a technique long used by the oil and gas industry to free oil and gas from rock. It's not in the dictionary, the industry hates it, and President Barack Obama didn't use it in his State of the Union speech — even as he praised federal subsidies for it. The word sounds nasty, and environmental advocates have been able to use it to generate opposition — and revulsion — to what they say is a nasty process that threatens water supplies. I'm on the fence when it comes to fracking because on the one hand, it can threaten water supplies (along with the oil or gas causing pollution), but on the other hand, this can bring in more oil, which is actually quite a valuable source of money in these uncertain economic times. In other news, Man United are out of the FA Cup after Liverpool walloped them 2-1. But at least the Reds beat Man City earlier in the competition.

I'll drink to that, yeah yeah

There's nothing like drinking to a good cause, so why not let Philadelphia bars stay open until 3 a.m. to generate more tax revenue for city schools? That's the idea laid out by City Councilwoman Blondell Reynolds Brown on Thursday, a concept that immediately drew criticism. "I can't speak for everyone, but I think the reaction we're going to have is: Absolutely not in this community," said Matt Ruben, president of the board of the Northern Liberties Neighbors Association. I think this could be a great idea, and if it works, maybe more jurisdictions could let their bars stay open for longer. In fact, an illegal substance like pot could also make a great source of tax revenue if made legal. In other news, the Wall Street Journal, who last year exposed Amy Chua for the bad parent she is, is claiming that restaurants in Japan are serving the finest French food and espresso in the world, citing training that requires baristas to work for two years before serving espresso shots.

At least his house is made of money

An unemployed Irish artist has built a home from the shredded remains of around €1,400,000,000; a monument to the "madness" he says has been wrought on Ireland by the single currency, from a spectacular construction boom to a wrenching bust. Frank Buckley built the apartment in the lobby of a Dublin office building that has lain vacant since its completion four years ago at the peak of an ill-fated construction boom, using bricks of shredded euro notes he borrowed from Ireland's national mint. This is so amazing it would put a double rainbow to shame, especially when the house, whose walls and floor are covered in euro shreddings, is so warm you can sleep without a blanket. Pictures made from notes and coins decorate the walls, including one of a house, made from Irish 5 pence pieces. Even though Mr. Buckley isn't made of money, at least his house is, and if the euro fails as a currency, the notes won't fail as a great insulator. In other news, Karen Samford, a 72-year-old postal worker in Texas, has been suspended from her job after admitting she stole and kept literally truckloads of bulk mail over the last decade. Her boss reportedly became concerned with the excess mail in her office and asked if she had stashed any elsewhere, to which she admitted to renting entire storage units to hold the junk mail.

Smokes on a Plane

Passengers on a United flight operated by Continental Airlines made an unexpected stop in San Antonio last night. That came after a man on the flight apparently couldn't make it the whole way to California without a cigarette. The flight had to be diverted on Tuesday evening because of the unruly passenger who reportedly lit a cigarette in the cabin and refused to put it out, then fought with a flight attendant. There were few details on the man's identity, but KHOU TV of Houston says the FBI took him into custody before Flight 1287 resumed its journey to the airport in Ontario, California. It's a good thing the airline has such a heavy-handed shoulder to cry on, because smoking is just wrong. It's even worse on a plane because the other passengers inside the pressurised cabin will be bothered by the second-hand smoke. There is just no need for tobacco. It's the one crop that should never have been brought back to Europe, because that filthy habit is now a worldwide issue. Marijuana, although illegal, would be a way better substitute for tobacco.

Let them sell bras!

A social revolution began in Saudi Arabia this month, and it has little if anything to do with the Arab Spring: women are going to work in lingerie shops. The Ministry of Labor is enforcing a royal decree issued last summer ordering that sales personnel in shops selling garments and other goods, like cosmetics, that are only for women must be female. More than 28,000 women applied for the jobs, the ministry said. Anywhere else in the world, it would not be news that sales assistants in shops selling panties and bras were female. In Saudi Arabia, where women have always been excluded from the public work force, it is a critical breakthrough. This is not just about intimate garments; this is a milestone on the arduous path to employment equality for women in a country where they are systematically excluded from retail activity. It can be better, because if women are going to work in those shops, they would still need a man to drive them because they are prohibited from driving. This gross discrimination of women is slowly being eroded away, but there's still the issue of voting, running for public office, and driving to pick at.

It's a little too green in Bani Walid

Fighters loyal to Gaddafi took control of a town south-east of Tripoli yesterday, flying their green flags in defiance of Libya's fragile new government. The fightback by Gaddafi supporters defeated in the civil war, though unlikely to spread elsewhere, added to the problems besetting a government which in the past week has been reeling from one crisis to another. This has only happened because the new government doesn't have a law banning certain totalitarian symbols. Germany has a ban on swastikas used outside of an appropriate historical or religious context, and some countries in the former Eastern Bloc have laws banning not only the swastika but also symbols of their communist past. However, the National Transitional Council needs to ban the green flags that are a hallmark of Gaddafi's reign of terror. This new flare-up cannot be tolerated, but neither can the slow speed of reform.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Arsenal

And it's a good thing Man United beat those bellends 2-1 during this morning's clash at Emirates Stadium. Manchester City's last-gasp victory over Tottenham ramped up the pressure on the champions ahead of kick-off, but the Reds overcame Arsenal with goals from Antonio Valencia and Danny Welbeck. Arsenal scored courtesy of Robin van Persie. Six players received yellow cards.

What's a Chinatown without an arch?

Philadelphia's one has a gate. So does Boston's. Montreal's has four, and Ottawa’s is especially pretty. San Francisco’s is made of stone and has slithering dragons on its roof. But Manhattan’s Chinatown, one of the most famous in the country, does not have a gateway arch to welcome visitors despite years of planning. OK so suburban and satellite Chinatowns are often arch-free. But Manhattan's is indeed the only large, traditional Chinatown in the U.S. without a gateway. For the sometimes fading enclaves that have them, the colorful gates, known as paifang in Mandarin, are tourist attractions — the backdrop to countless vacation snapshots. Most span a roadway, with lions guarding the sidewalk. In New York, efforts to build an arch have been launched periodically for four decades. 2012 is the Year of the Dragon, so it’s a good year to get it started and hopefully get it done. I've been to the Chinatown in Melbourne and that had arches at each of the possible entrances.

Sometimes it only takes 80 cents

Paying your mortgage to the exact penny is important, particularly if you’re on a mortgage modification program and making trial mortgage payments. Tom Mudie, a Florida homeowner, found out the hard way when foreclosure proceedings were going to begin on his home when he was short 80 cents on his second trial mortgage payment due to a typo. Bank of America had approved him for a mortgage modification program and while making a payment by phone, he accidentally punched the number "0" instead of the number "8". So instead of paying the required $615.82, his payment was $615.02. When Mudie realised his mistake, he reached out to a customer service representative who advised him to send the bank a check for the 80 cents, which would apparently rectify the problem. Mudie immediately sent the check alongside his next payment, but the next month, the check for 80 cents was sent back along with his last payment and a letter from Bank of America stating: “Your loan is not eligible for the Fannie Mae modification program because you did not make all the required trial period plan payments by the end of the trial period.” A foreclosure of Mudie’s home was set to go ahead. This is just wrong. While the loan is actually owned by Fannie and being serviced by B of A, these small insignificant human errors can mean home or no home for desperate owners. Eventually, B of A resolved the problem and admitted it made an error, saying Tom is on the way to getting a permanent modification on his mortgage, but this should never have happened. As long as it was just an honest mistake which the borrower intended to fix, I wouldn't foreclose the poor man's house over 80 cents. This is just unethical and unnecessary.

Cyber-bully, prepare to be cyber-blocked!

Criminals who commit offences online and cyber bullies will be banned from the internet as part of the British Government’s new cyber security strategy, which was announced today. It calls for police and courts to make more use of existing “cyber sanctions” to restrict access to the social networks and instant messaging services in cases of hacking, fraud, and online bullying. Sex offenders and those convicted of harrassment or anti-social behaviour also face more internet restrictions under the new strategy. Officials are also looking into whether "cyber tag" technology could be used to monitor offenders and report to authorities if they breach their bail or sentence conditions by using the internet. While not really doing anything to improve this blog's readership, that plan should be put in place in other countries so that the Internet can be a safer place for all.

Best. Terror alerts. Ever.

I found a site that has Sesame Street and Aqua Teen Hunger Force themed “terror alert” indicators. I like what they’ve done with them but maybe they should put up a Peppa Pig one.

Stop online piracy? More like stop freedom!

Wikipedia went dark, Google blotted out its logo, and other popular websites planned protests today to voice concern over legislation in the US Congress (pictured) intended to crack down on online piracy. Wikipedia shut down the English version of its online encyclopedia for 24 hours to protest the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) introduced in the House of Representatives and the Senate version, the Protect IP Act (PIPA). The founders of Google, Twitter, Wikipedia, Yahoo!, and other internet giants said in an open letter last month the legislation would give the US government censorship powers similar to those used by China, Malaysia, and Iran. This is worrying because SOPA and PIPA are badly drafted legislation that won't be effective in their main goal (to stop copyright infringement), and will cause serious damage to the free and open Internet. They put the burden on website owners to police user-contributed material and call for the unnecessary blocking of entire sites. Small sites won't have sufficient resources to defend themselves. Big media companies may seek to cut off funding sources for their foreign competitors, even if copyright isn't being infringed. Foreign sites will be blacklisted, which means they won't show up in major search engines. And, SOPA and PIPA build a framework for future restrictions and suppression. I hope Obama vetoes this rubbish before it causes any real damage.

Poor Nemo can't stand the CO2

Carbon dioxide in the ocean acts like alcohol on fish, leaving them less able to judge risks and prone to losing their senses. The intoxication adds to the threats that global warming and ocean acidification pose to marine ecosystems (not to mention making the fish taste like industrial sludge). Philip Munday and colleagues at James Cook University in Townsville, Queensland, Australia, have previously found that if you put reef fish into water with more CO2 than normal in it – similar to the levels expected in oceans by the end of the century – they become bolder and attracted to odours they would normally avoid, including those of predators and unfavourable habitats. Munday and his colleague Goran Nilsson at the University of Oslo, Norway, have now discovered that CO2 leads to riskier behaviour by interfering with a neurotransmitter receptor called GABA-A. The pair reared clownfish (Amphiprion percula) larvae in seawater with normal (450 microatmospheres) and elevated (900 microatmospheres) CO2 levels. When they reached adulthood, the fish were given a choice between a water stream containing the odour of common predators such as the rock cod (Cephalopholis cyanostigma) or a stream lacking predatory odours. Those reared in high levels of CO2 swam towards rock cod's scent around 90 per cent of the time, whereas those that had enjoyed normal levels of CO2 avoided the predator's scent more than 90 per cent of the time. This is why we need to stop polluting our waterways. If this continues, then that could be it for all species of fish.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: T30

Chinese construction workers have once again awed the world, this time by erecting a 30-story hotel in 360 hours in Hunan Province. The building is the latest achievement of Broad Sustainable Building (BSB), a Chinese construction company renowned for its eye-opening efficiency. Ground was broken on the hotel on December 2, 2011, in the Lin Gang Industrial Zone in Xiangyin County near the provincial capital Changsha. The building was completed in 15 days. Named T30, the 17,000-square-meter hotel is due to open on January 18, and is expected to be a five-star establishment. The hotel will feature 316 standard rooms, 32 suites, eight ambassador suites, and two presidential suites. Other facilities include a restaurant, bar, gym, and swimming pool on the top floor, underground parking space for 73 vehicles, and even a helicopter pad. The entire hotel cost a total of US$17 million to build. It’s looking to be one impressive hotel, but the main concern here is how BSB obtained the land. If precedent was followed, then that means the land that T30 rests on was expropriated by the Communist Party in a Mugabe-style land grab which, while legal, is morally wrong. The previous owners may have had homes that had been in their family since the Qing Dynasty or maybe earlier. If this continues, the people of China will soon have nowhere to go.

It's Wikipedia Day and MLK Day again today

Martin Luther King once said "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." This is the principle by which each night's posts are written here. And one team worthy of a good mention under this principle is Manchester United, who beat Bolton 3-0 this morning at Old Trafford. Paul Scholes, Danny Welbeck, and Michael Carrick scored the goals, and nobody received any yellow or red cards.

Back in Pad

Apple Inc's next iPad, expected to go on sale in March, will sport a high-definition screen, run a faster processor, and work with next-generation wireless networks, according to three people familiar with the product. The company's manufacturing partners in Asia started ramping up production of the iPad 3 this month and plan to reach full volumes by February. Chief Executive Officer Tim Cook is counting on the new model to ward off mounting competition in a market that Apple pioneered two years ago. After its debut in 2010, the iPad emerged as the company's second-biggest source of revenue (after the iPhone) and inspired cheap ripoffs from Amazon and Samsung. Apple has sold more than 40 million iPads, generating at least $25.3 billion in sales. But if they are to succeed, they need to have lawyers on standby in case they need to sue Samsung or anyone else. In other news, NHS-run hospitals in the UK have resorted to asking zoos and vets to scan patients who are too obese for hospital scanners.

Don't whizz on the Afghani corpse

Pentagon officials said yesterday they believed a video showing four Marines urinating on the corpses of Afghans was authentic, and Defense Secretary Leon E. Panetta promised to investigate the incident, calling it "utterly deplorable." As outrage over the explicit video spread, the NATO-led coalition in Afghanistan said the behavior was confined to "a small group of U.S. individuals" who committed a blatant violation of military standards. Those found responsible will be "held accountable to the fullest extent," Panetta said in a statement. This is not something we want from a soldier, especially from a Marine. The behavior depicted in the video is wholly inconsistent with the high standards of conduct and warrior ethos that the United States Marine Corps have demonstrated throughout their history. This will be going on their service records, and they risk one or more of prison time, dishonorable discharge, and the death penalty (which is highly unlikely), simply because they urinated on enemy corpses. In other news, Natalee Holloway's father has had his request granted: an Alabama probate judge has signed paperwork formerly declaring that his daughter is dead. The high school senior from Mountain Brook, Alabama, was visiting the picturesque Carribean island of Aruba in 2005 as part of a school trip to celebrate high school graduation. She was never heard from again.

Don't just grin and beer it

A Queenstown woman is fizzing after being refused entry to a home brew competition because it is a blokes-only event. The home brewer, appropriately named Rachel Beer, tried entering her home brew - called Beer's Beer - in Saturday's Lake Hayes A&P Show but was told by the chief steward she could enter but it wouldn't be judged. Ms Beer told the Mountain Scene newspaper there was therefore no point in entering the competition. "It'd be great if the rules could be changed to meet modern times." I couldn't agree more. This should've been taken up with the Human Rights Commission. The "blokes only" rule is sexist and discriminatory, especially coming from a country that was the first to give women the vote, and at one point in time, had women holding all of the top posts. I don't have any beers entered in that male chauvinist pig-run competition but if I did have any, I would withdraw them in protest. And speaking of pigs, a Liverpool university expert has defended popular children’s TV character Peppa Pig, saying there is more good behaviour in the shows than bad.

Much ado about numbers

Football married numerology when Tim Tebow threw for 316 yards in the Denver Broncos’ win over the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday night. John 3:16, of course, is one of Tebow's favorite Bible verses. John 3:16, also a favorite of Billy Graham and other evangelists, is often called the “capsule gospel.” It has Jesus saying: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life.” It’s one of the verses Tebow wrote on his eyeblack during his days at the University of Florida. Icing on the cake: He also set an NFL playoff record with 31.6 yards per completion. This is all a coincidence and I know that because there is no God. Or at the very least, there is no proof, and besides, even if a god or gods did create the universe, God can't have just poofed himself/herself/themselves into existence from out of nowhere. In other news, North Korea said yesterday it will issue special pardons for convicts, a rare move that appeared to be aimed at boosting the popularity of young new leader Kim Jong Un as he attempts to fill his late father's shoes.

Peppa is a bit too spicy for some

With her cheeky smile - and even cheekier attitude - she has become a hit with children. But it seems a growing number of parents are turning against TV character Peppa Pig, claiming she is a ‘bad influence’. Many complain their sons and daughters have started to copy the ‘naughty’ behaviour of the cartoon pig and her younger brother, George, by answering back to their parents. Some have even banned the programme because they claim it has made their children misbehave. One father spoke of his despair at how his four-year-old son had taken to splashing in what he gleefully called ‘muddy puddles’ on his way to school – copying Peppa’s favourite pastime. Others reported that their children had started shouting ‘chocolate cake’ whenever they were asked what they would like for breakfast – just like George Pig. ‘The more I see, the more alarmed I am at the choice of behaviour put into this “cartoon”,’ one mother wrote on parenting website Mumsnet. But I'm on the fence with this. Despite being a childless 23-year-old male, I quite like that show. I even have three apps featuring Peppa Pig on my iPhone, and the wallpaper on my iPhone is a picture of Peppa Pig. I've even downloaded a torrent from The Pirate Bay containing the first 156 episodes. I for one know that the events depicted are not real.

In other news, childminders and nurseries in the UK face being penalised by Ofsted in future if they cannot prove that youngsters in their care feel loved. Staff will have to demonstrate they are forming appropriate bonds and emotional attachments with babies and toddlers to help make them feel secure.

Also, a young mother was killed by an express train after jumping on to the tracks to retrieve her mobile phone. Charlene Pickering, 23, was arguing with boyfriend Daniel Pickett when she dropped the handset. It bounced several times on the platform before falling on to the tracks. Mr Pickett begged her to get back on to the platform, but his pleas came too late as she was hit by a train travelling at 60mph (96 km/h). She shouldn't have been on the tracks at the time, but I would've done the same thing in that situation.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Minimum repayments that won't cover the interest

Incredibly, this isn't an exaggeration. There are Americans in this situation right now where each payment to their credit card company leaves them owing more. This is perfectly legal in the States, and only in the last few years has their government moved to stop banks from putting people in this cycle of infinite repayment (where the interest and fees are more than the monthly payments).

How was this ever legal? Well, in the late 70s, the US Supreme Court ended the federal predatory lending laws, and the credit card economy was born. Banks issued cards to anyone and everyone, often charging 24.99% interest (or higher, cash advances often collect 29.99%) and adding on an assortment of fees hidden in the fine print. This appears to be a good deal for the card holder, as the monthly payment is very low. Specifically, it was often 2% of the balance, an amount that would either have the card holder paying back their debt many times over or, in the worst cases, never paying it back at all (especially once unexpected fees were thrown in).

But we don't get this sort of rubbish here in New Zealand. The minimum monthly repayment on my credit card is 2% of the balance or NZ$25 (whichever is greater) and my credit limit of $3000 means that the minimum repayment is a maximum of $60. The interest on my card is 13.75% which means that the interest on $3000 is $412.50 per year ($472.50 if you include the $5 monthly account fee). That comes out to $34.38 per month ($39.38 if you include the $5 monthly account fee), which is less than $60. That's because predatory lending isn't allowed. But there is one thing you can do if you're not lucky enough to live in a country where your credit card provider can't screw you over like that: you can always hit them where it hurts by paying more than the minimum repayment.

These dogs had their day too soon

Residents of Blockhouse Bay in Auckland, convinced a serial killer is poisoning dogs, have begun a forensic investigation to catch the culprit. Ruby, a pretty blonde, was the killer's latest victim. She died a slow, painful death at home last month after apparently being poisoned. Ruby was a 6-year-old golden retriever. She was quiet, well-behaved, and quickly learned tricks. Her owner, Daniel Breslin (a retired mechanical engineer who is NOT related to Abigail Breslin), has put up $10,000 for information leading to a prosecution of the poisoner, who is believed to have been laying slug pellet-laced sausages and meat for at least six years. Half a dozen dogs have died at the hands of that sick bellend, and several others fell ill. No pet owner should have to put up with this rubbish towards their pets or anyone else's. This needs to stop. In other news, a ban on luxury spas at hotels and massage parlours in the Maldives was lifted on Wednesday (local time) under pressure from the country's key tourism industry a week after it was imposed as part of an effort to curb perceived vice. President Nasheed ordered the ban in response to calls by the main opposition party which claimed the spas and parlours were fronts for prostitution and led to the spread of drugs and alcohol to locals in the mainly Sunni Muslim nation of more than 1,200 atolls home to a population of 400,000.

Canterbury shall yet keep up the crusade

Christchurch Mayor Bob Parker has hit out at suggestions that rebuilding earthquake-hit Christchurch should be abandoned in favour of a super-sized Dunedin. In an opinion piece in the Otago Daily Times yesterday, Dunedin City councillor Lee Vandervis said it was insane to rebuild Christchurch on the same "bedevilled dirt", and resources should be used to transform Dunedin into a new South Island hub. There are a lot more things Dunedin could do with, for instance, more international flights from Dunedin Airport, more cinemas (maybe one in South Dunedin because the three we have are all a very short walk from each other), a bigger Highlanders fanbase, a KFC in the CBD area, a Nando's (I had that in Auckland and the chicken there was superb), and maybe a mall made of shipping containers. But Christchurch are deciding to rebuild anyway, so the earthquakes shouldn't be seen as an end but rather a new beginning. Christchurch will emerge even stronger, no matter what anybody says.

Here's a devil worthy of post #666

Prosecutors have called for Hosni Mubarak to be hanged, saying he bears full responsibility for the killing of protesters during the uprising against him, in a courtroom moment unthinkable only a year ago when Egypt's longtime leader held unquestioned power. The demand for the death penalty at the 83-year-old former president's trial played to the widespread resentment of Mubarak among Egyptians who hoped that punishment for his oppressive rule would be fruit of the Arab Spring. I think they should make an example of that scumbag. That horrid waste of a life should not continue to live while the people his goons killed in the uprising continue to rot six feet under the earth. The ancient Pharaohs were better leaders for a country that is known for its touristic appeal.

They keep on falling...

Manchester United's miserable turn of the annum continued into 2012 itself as Newcastle United emulated Blackburn Rovers on New Year's Eve by putting three goals past the champions to inflict a damaging defeat.

Despite the return of Rio Ferdinand, Ryan Giggs, and Wayne Rooney, the Reds were second best this morning at the Sports Direct Arena where the Magpies scored in each half with exquisite strikes from Demba Ba and Yohan Cabaye. The third and final nail wasn't quite in the same class - Phil Jones scored an own goal, taking the score to 3-0 (that's right, own goals don't help one to advance - this isn't Barbados v Grenada 1994). Three players were booked.

Fatal fungus forces funeral

Two people who accidentally ate poisonous mushrooms in Canberra have died in a Sydney hospital. The 52-year-old woman and 38-year-old man were friends who mistook the death cap mushrooms for an edible variety at a New Year's Eve party. They've since died at the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital. The mushrooms tend to grow around Canberra and in southern New South Wales and are most often found at the bottom of oak trees. Death cap mushrooms are filled with amatoxin, which can attack enzymes involved in producing DNA. The poison can also trigger liver failure. Whoever picked or sold the mushrooms obviously did a rather stupid thing in not fulfilling their duty of care. This should never have happened, even to an Australian. I hope they find the bellend responsible.

Let's turn our baccos on tobacco

New Year's resolutions to quit smoking and tobacco price hikes kept Quitline busy on Sunday. 70 people registered to kick the habit in the first 90 minutes after the service's phonelines opened at 10am, and by 3pm more than 100 had registered. January is always a busy month because of New Year's resolutions and the tobacco tax increase has given people the extra push. The reasons people are giving are the same as usual: health, family, and because they are generally sick of it. New Year is a time for change and in time, the tobacco industry will be severely crippled due to the greater numbers of people turning away from that filthy habit. In fact, tobacco is one of the few plants that should be made extinct.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Comments about Chilean miners

Yesterday, I saw the movie We Bought A Zoo. Overall, it was likeable, but in one scene, Matt Damon's character made a comment about Chilean miners. In that particular scene, that character couldn't find his daughter among a sea of stuffed animals and remarked that she was like a Chilean miner. It is still too soon for such insensitive remarks. All 33 miners escaped unharmed but the ten weeks the poor miners spent trapped in the mine was too long, and nobody should be making light of this.

Reds get burnt on home ground

Manchester United made it an unhappy 70th birthday for manager Sir Alex Ferguson this morning (NZ time) by slipping to a shock 3-2 defeat to Blackburn Rovers at Old Trafford. After conceding two goals to Yakubu either side of half-time - the first one a penalty - the Reds battled back magnificently to draw level courtesy of a double by Dimitar Berbatov. However, Grant Hanley scrambled a late winner for Rovers against the run of play to ensure the champions finished 2011 on a low note, missing out on the chance to go to the top of the table. Each team received two yellow cards apiece.

Hope you had a safe and happy 2011

But there's one more piece of business to take care of before we enter 2012. The Bellend of the Month for December 2011 is Aidan Burley. The Conservative Member of Parliament for Cannock Chase in Staffordshire, England, has been forced to leave his job as a Parliamentary Private Secretary to Justine Greening in the Department of Transport after pictures appeared in The Mail on Sunday newspaper showing him at a stag party in France with a man dressed in the uniform of a Nazi SS officer. This is just stupid and offensive, and he should've left as soon as he saw that anti-Semitic scumbag. But he didn't and he ended up getting his photo taken with him. I would've left as soon as somebody arrived dressed like a Nazi. Nobody should encourage this patently offensive behaviour.

So it's actually today that Samoa and Tokelau are skipping over

That's right, the International Date Line is scheduled to change tonight New Zealand time. This means skipping Friday, so what's a Jew or a Sabbatarian Christian living in Samoa to do? I'm not sure what each group has decided to do about the skipped Friday, but I have heard that the local Seventh Day Adventists (all except for one small congregation) are planning to observe their Sabbaths on Sunday instead. Of course I'm not one to follow that particular path to enlightenment, but observing the Jewish sabbath is what made this church stand out. No church should change who they are just because one day is being skipped, but the sad truth is that most congregations on the islands are prepared to lose something that made them special. If I were the reverend at one of the congregations planning to move its services to Sunday, it wouldn't be moving on my watch. But there is a place where change is necessary: it's called North Korea and its new leader better start making some serious changes.

Occupy YouTube... or a prison cell

Matthew Quain still struggles to piece together what happened after a trip to the grocery store nearly turned deadly. He remembers a group of loitering young people, then a dimly lit street, then nothing. The 51-year-old became another victim of "Knockout King" or simply "Knock Out," a so-called game of unprovoked violence that targets random victims. Reports of the attacks have come from around the country including Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Chicago. In St. Louis, an elderly immigrant from Vietnam died in an attack in April.

The rules are as simple as they are brutal. A group chooses a lead attacker, then seeks out a victim. Unlike typical gang violence or other street crime, the goal is not revenge, nor is it robbery. The victim is chosen at random, often someone unlikely to put up a fight. Many victims were elderly; most were alone. The attacker charges and begins punching. If the victim goes down, the group usually scatters. If not, others join in, punching and kicking, often until the person is unconscious or badly hurt. Sometimes the attacks are captured on cellphone video that is posted on websites. These scumbags have absolutely no respect for human life, and they need to be dealt with. This stupidity is just done for attention, and has no place in a decent society. I hope this carry-on doesn't spread to New Zealand. Planking was bad enough.

Today's the day that will never come in Samoa

Meanwhile, two continents over, an Egyptian court has ordered the country's military rulers to stop the use of "virginity tests" on female detainees, in a rare condemnation by a civilian tribunal of a military practice that has caused an uproar among activists and rights groups. The virginity test allegations first surfaced after a March 9 rally in Cairo's Tahrir Square that turned violent when men in plainclothes attacked protesters, and the army cleared the square by force. The rights group Human Rights Watch said seven women were subjected to the tests. That's seven too many because the virginity tests are a violation of women's rights and an aggression against their dignity. I don't exactly know how those stupid tests are conducted, and I don't want to know. But at least it'll stop.

Five-nil again, naturally

A hat-trick from Dimitar Berbatov and single goals from Ji-sung Park and Antonio Valencia gave United a second successive five-goal victory this morning at Old Trafford and moved Man United level on points with Man City at the head of the Barclays Premier League table. Two players got yellow-carded and Conor Sammon got a straight red card, leaving Wigan with just ten players.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The amount of time it took

Yemeni president Ali Abdullah Saleh said on Saturday he would leave for the United States and give way to a successor, hours after his forces killed nine people demanding he be tried for killings of protesters over the past year. But Mr Saleh, who agreed to step down last month under a deal cut by his wealthier neighbours who fear civil war in Yemen will affect them, did not say when he would depart and vowed to play a political role again, this time opposed to a new government. I don't know if he will leave for America, but the time it's taking for that nutjob to just step down already is inexcusable. Maybe democracy will finally come to Yemen if there's a better president.

Frosting blows up in T-10, 9, 8...

A woman who recently flew back home from Vegas says an airport security officer confiscated her frosted cupcake because he thought the icing on it could be a security risk. Rebecca Hains said the Transportation Security Administration agent at McCarran International Airport took her cupcake on Wednesday, telling her its frosting was enough like a gel to violate TSA restrictions on allowing liquids and gels onto flights to prevent them from being used as explosives. She said the agent told her the frosting was conforming to the jar it was inside. If the ingredients posed a biosecurity risk on an international flight, then TSA's actions would be perfectly understandable, but this was a cupcake on a domestic flight and it's not like cupcake frosting can be turned into an explosive. This is actually more about civil liberties than it would be a cupcake, and the public are just building up a resistance and tolerance to all these things TSA are doing in the name of security, when it's really theater.

No Motherland Without Him... I hope

The guest list for North Korean leader Kim Jong-il’s funeral is taking shape and already includes a multimillionaire’s widow from South Korea and a Japanese magician known as Princess Tenko. But so far there have been some notable nonmentions, including two of the late dictator's relatives, who have yet to surface since Kim, one of the world’s most reviled leaders, died last week of a heart attack at age 69. Of particular interest was Kim Jong-nam, Kim's eldest son, who has lived in partial exile after falling out of favor with his father for being caught with a fake Dominican Republic passport trying to gain entrance to Tokyo Disneyland. Another thing that the spectacle will not have is foreign journalists, who are reportedly banned from covering the event, set for Wednesday in Pyongyang (point of interest: the Associated Press is one of the few Western media outlets with an office in the isolated regime). But if I was invited to that despot's funeral, I'd come, but I'd fly a South Korean flag during the service. Things did get better under Kim Jong-il (e.g. they would no longer shoot you on sight just because you listened to South Korean radio) but I hope his son Kim Jong-un brings democracy to North Korea. On a not-so-relevant note, Samoa are skipping Wednesday because they're coming over to our side of the International Date Line; this could probably just be a coincidence.

OK, the kids can come

Children are being left locked in cars by Western Bay of Plenty parents completing their Christmas shopping. Fraser Cove shopping centre has had at least four incidents this month and Bayfair Shopping Centre has also noticed the problem. However, it's a crime to leave children locked in a car alone. It's an offence to leave a child unattended in a situation where they will suffer or be caused stress. If you leave someone in a car on a hot day they are likely to suffer. It's basically a form of neglect. It comes under wilful neglect of a child, and prosecution is one possible outcome. Invariably your one-minute trip will take longer and kids can get into trouble very quickly. A child can undo their seatbelt or their harness and get out, or undo the handbrake and all those other things. Also, on a particularly hot day, with the magnifying effect of glass, it's possible for a child to get quite hot which has other dangers. So don't leave the kids in the car.

Five goals against Fulham put pressure on cross-town rivals

Man United kept up the pressure on Man City with another impressive performance on their travels to secure their first league victory over Fulham at Craven Cottage for almost four years. This morning's match ended in a 5-0 victory for the Reds, with the goals being scored by Danny Welbeck, Nani, powerhouses Dimitar Berbatov and Wayne Rooney, and Ryan Giggs, who has now scored goals in 22 consecutive seasons. The only yellow card went to one of the bellends on Fulham.

The judge dropped a massive bomb here

A white supremacist was sentenced to 32 years in prison yesterday for planting a shrapnel bomb along the parade route of a Martin Luther King Jr. Day celebration in Washington state this year. The sentence was the maximum penalty that Kevin Harpham, 37, a former U.S. soldier, could have received for the guilty plea he entered in September to federal weapons and hate-crime charges in connection with the failed bombing attempt. This is just not on, especially coming from a soldier, and now he will be paying dearly for his actions. Just as the whole business with Amy Chua and her bad parenting was causing a sensation, that bellend was causing disruption to a parade celebrating one of the civil rights movement's leading figures. I hope he doesn't add to his troubles by dropping the soap while in the clink.

City still on top

Going into yesterday morning’s match at Loftus Road against the Queen’s Park Rangers, Sir Alex Ferguson’s hand was strengthened by the return of Dimitar Berbatov and Chicharito, yet the Man United manager opted against shuffling and named the same line-up that overpowered Wolverhampton last weekend. And it still worked; Wayne Rooney and Michael Carrick scored the necessary goals to beat QPR 2-0. Three bellends were shown yellow cards.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Auto-correct

This site has many of the auto-correct fails known to iPhone users. Some of the machine-made mistakes on the site are a conversation which involved the text "Ok maybe in a few fatso", one where the user wanted a friend to sign for his feces package (he meant FedEx), a text which I hope the cops didn't get a hold of (pictured), one where an instance of the word "aunt" was replaced with a four-letter word, one where they talked of "dry humping" the roast when the sender meant "dry rub", one where the word "laptop" was replaced with "lap dance", one where one message said "you live under my roof you live under my pubes", and one where a text saying "Gotta run home and change my shirt first it has swastikas all over it" was sent (to a Jew, God forbid), as well as many others. This is why I just leave out the spaces until there is no way for my iPhone to auto-correct the word, then add the spaces.

Oops, she's doing it again

Forget about the holidays, Britney Spears is engaged! December can now officially be designated not only Spears and new fiance Jason Trawick's birthday month, but also their engagement. But I know where this next marriage is headed: divorce. Her marriages to Justin Timberlake (whose performance in In Time was so good I saw it again) and Kevin Federline both turned sour, and so will this one. Britney is just a glutton for punishment. This sort of rubbish is why I'm never getting married.

Santa better stock up on coal

A 14-year-old girl will spend Christmas in hospital after a school "gang bashing" left her with a fractured spine. Footage of Flaxmere College teenager Adriana Kemp screaming "my back" was filmed on a cell phone as two fellow students viciously assaulted her on the college's playing fields. How can one justify a cowardly act like this? This is just horrible and the poor girl had to have screws inserted in her skull to keep her spine straight. The principal was well within her rights to expel three kids in connection with this heinous act.

A degree worth losing your fingers for

Human rights groups in Bangladesh have demanded a severe punishment for the husband of a young woman who allegedly cut off most of her right hand. Police say Rafiqul Islam, a 30-year-old migrant worker who works in the United Arab Emirates, attacked his 21-year-old wife, Hawa Akther Jui, because she pursued higher education without his permission. This is no reason to cut off anyone's fingers, and is just one of a number of acts of domestic violence targeting educated women in recent months. Her fingers cannot be re-attached and it appears that Ms Akther will have to live with permanent disfigurement because of that stupid waste of life. She has started practising writing with her left hand, and as a fellow southpaw, I wish her well. The attack follows an incident in June in which a university lecturer lost one eye while the other was badly wounded in an attack allegedly carried out by her husband. The accused man in this case, Syeed Hasan Sumon, died in custody earlier this month while awaiting trial.

Switch off before you drive off

Federal officials are calling for a complete ban on cellphone use while driving after the National Transportation Safety Board made a recommendation to do so, but some Maryland lawmakers are calling the thought unrealistic, even though they are prepared to pursue stricter cellphone laws next year. They should, and for good reason. It is both a visual and a cognitive distraction. Nobody should be using cellphones while driving, unless they have one of those hands-free devices. Cellphones and driving are a dangerous mix. Drivers should be focused on the road.

Kyoto may yet be Karchered

Canada’s environment minister Peter Kent announced Monday that Canada is withdrawing from Kyoto Protocol after the UN conference in Durban, which immediately drew criticism inside and outside the country. What their government is doing could be in violation of domestic law, because the Kyoto Implementation Act was passed by the House of Commons in 2007 and has royal assent. It requires Canada to continue reporting and doing its job, fulfilling its obligations under the Kyoto Protocol. It looks as if Stephen Harper thinks he can just withdraw Canada from an international treaty which was ratified by the House of Commons with no discussion in the House, and violate a domestic law with no discussion in the House. There does seem to be a case for pulling out: Canada’s former Liberal government signed the Kyoto, which requires a cut in greenhouse gas emissions to 6 per cent below 1990 levels by 2012. But Canada’s emissions in 2009 were 17 per cent above 1990. It’s like the kid in school who knows he’s going to fail the class, so he drops it before that happens.

In other news, Restaurant Brands has acquired rights to operate a fourth brand, adding to its current stable of KFC, Pizza Hut, and Starbucks Coffee businesses. Restaurant Brands will be building and operating the Carl’s Jr. chain of restaurants in New Zealand, regardless of falls in sales through its other three fast food operations.

Maybe the ICC should step in

Top UN human rights official Navi Pillay says Syria should be referred to the International Criminal Court, and I couldn't agree more. What Bashar al-Assad has done over the course of the uprising is totally abhorrent and maybe Turkey should annex Syria. Ben Ali, Mubarak, and Gaddafi have all been removed and hopefully al-Assad will be next. The world does not need such stupid nutjobs bringing everyone down. It would be a lot easier if someone had the power to make something true by saying it's true, because then we could say something along the lines of "Bashar al-Assad is not the President of Syria" and then he'd be deposed.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Retro Gamer

This website is the worst. That site has Pacman on it, among other games, but those bellends won’t let me use it on my laptop just because I’m using a Mac. Not being able to use Internet Explorer is fine, but Macs and PC’s should be treated equally. Sure they run on different software, and most of the population use Windows, but there is no excuse for shoving Mac users to the back of the bus. That’s how wars start.

Reds continue quest for 20th title

Man United beat the Wolves this morning at Old Trafford in their last home game before Christmas. The game ended in a 4-1 victory that cuts the gap at the top to two points. If Man U win their next game and Man City lose theirs, then Man U will be in the lead. Nani scored two goals for Man U, as did Wayne Rooney. The Wolves' goal was scored by Steven Fletcher. One player was booked.

Even Aussies deserve the real deal

Samsung Electronics' tablet computer, the Galaxy Tab, will be available to consumers in Australia in the coming days, after the South Korean electronics giant scored a victory against Apple in a legal battle that had blocked the product from going on sale. The Australian High Court bowled Apple underarm by denying their appeal to an earlier court ruling that overturned an injunction placed on Samsung's Galaxy Tab 10.1 citing violation of its patent. The recent ruling is expected to give Samsung a stronger footing not only in the Christmas sales department but also in a legal battle it is involved in with Apple in several countries across the world, including the United States. Samsung's Galaxy Tab is a complete ripoff of the iPad, and as far as I'm concerned, it has no place on store shelves. If I get one of those stupid contraptions for Christmas, I'll sell it on eBay and buy an iPad with the money.

All slashed up and no place to go

Dozens of tyres were punctured in an attack which left residents of a quiet Dunedin street angry and out of pocket. Police were called to suburban Wakari yesterday morning following multiple calls from residents who woke to find one or two tyres punctured on every car parked in Farley St. This is not the sort of behaviour that should be going on anywhere, especially in my hometown. I live in the general area, and one or more of my neighbours could be next. Two tyres apiece on one victim's sedan and 4x4 were punctured, with the insurance bill likely to be around $2000. In addition to paying the $300 excess, he was unable to drive his children to kindergarten and had to take time off work. Damage to another family's tyres meant the breadwinner had to walk to work, and their two girls had to miss kindergarten while the tyres were replaced. It's bad enough when the main income earner can't get to work, but if you bring their kids into the equation, it's a lot worse. Nobody needs this nonsense, and I hope the cops find the bellend responsible.

Prison countdown starts at ten weeks

Rod Blagojevich starts his Thursday facing a bleak countdown — 71 days before the twice-elected Illinois governor must say goodbye to his family and begin serving a 14-year sentence for corruption. During those days, he will scramble to get his financial affairs in order and spend a final birthday and Christmas at home with his wife, Patti, and their two young daughters, 15-year-old Amy and 8-year-old Annie, before heading off to prison to serve the sentence handed down yesterday. Judge James Zagel sentenced Blagojevich on 18 counts of corruption, including his June convictions on charges that he tried to sell or trade an appointment to Obama's U.S. Senate seat for campaign cash or a top job. The impeached governor must report to prison on February 16, and where he reports is still being decided on by federal authorities. Wherever it is, that bellend will be largely cut off from the outside world. He will have to share a cell with other inmates, be extremely careful not to drop the soap, and work a menial job, possibly scrubbing toilets or mopping floors, at just 12 cents an hour (too bad you can't hire employees that cheaply in the free world). Spending 14 long, hard years locked away from his family will serve him right.

New Zealand: first to see the new timeline

New Zealand will be the first country to get Facebook's brand-spanking new Timeline feature - and the rest of the world will be made to wait. Timeline is essentially an expanded profile that can display content as users want to - rather than being bound by the standard Wall post approach, and we're going to be first to the scene. In the words of Facebook product manager Sam Lessin: "We chose New Zealand to be first - and I'll probably get in trouble for saying this - primarily because it is an English-speaking country. It's far away from our data centres, so we can monitor speed and performance." There are also some better reasons to choose New Zealand: we were ranked the cleanest on the Corruption Perceptions Index, our cricketers don't bowl underarm like they do over the ditch, and our rugby team is the very best in the universe. Or maybe it's because we're one of the first to see each new day.

A riches-to-rags story in the making...

The three Connecticut investment managers who shared the winnings of a record $254 million Powerball lottery don’t really need the money. They say they are giving a pile of it to Connecticut charities, which is good but the rich (as of late going by the epithet "the 1%") always seem to be doing it too much. If I were to run into huge amounts of money, I would not follow that kind but cliche and possibly dangerous example. It's not often I have any advice to give to the 1%, but especially in our uncertain economic climate, you could do with that extra money. Sure you've got lots on you now, but the cost of living has risen over time (according to this inflation calculator, something that cost $1 30 years ago would cost $3.79 now.) People who make regular donations to charity should cut out or at least cut back on the amount they're donating, and use the extra money for just in case the economy turns into a repeat of Chernobyl. You might come off as a bit of a scrooge, but in these tough times, the nice guys WILL finish last.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Baby mouse wine

Baby mice wine is a traditional Chinese and Korean "health tonic," which apparently tastes like raw petrol. Little mice, eyes still closed, are plucked from the embrace of their loving mothers and stuffed (while still alive) into a bottle of rice wine. They are left to ferment while their parents wring their tiny mouse paws in despair, tears drooping sadly from the tips of their whiskers. And that is why nobody would ever think to stock this drink in New Zealand. Mice are pets and they do not belong in our food and drink. Maybe in Korea, but not here.

Rookie brings victory to champions

After convincing wins for the other teams in the title race prior to kick-off, the pressure was on the champions going into this morning's game against Aston Villa. But Villa Park is traditionally a happy hunting ground for Man United and Sir Alex's team collected three points thanks to Phil Jones' first-ever goal at senior level. It was the only goal scored in the entire match and no players were yellow-carded.

God versus cellphones: who will win?

A Catholic bishop in Paraguay has taken up a battle against mobile phones. Bishop Claudio Silvero says the devices are "accursed and tools of sin" and denounced them in a homily this week in the shrine of Caacupe, 54 kilometres east of Paraguay's capital, Asuncion. That may be so, what with easy access to internet pornography on many newer devices, but cellphones are quite valuable tools that aid in communication. That nutjob obviously doesn't know what he's talking about. Technology is constantly changing, so he should just go with the flow. Even the Siri app on the iPhone 4S is not perfect but at least it's a lot better than having to listen to the bishop's drivel. I'd rather he made Holocaust jokes than denounce technology.

United may break guitars but their rivals serve bad poultry

As it deals with fallout from its bankruptcy announcement, American Airlines is also facing the wrath of a family who claim their loved one died after eating a meal served by the carrier. The wife and daughter of the late Othon Cortes of Miami are suing the airline and LSG Sky Chefs - a German company that produces airline meals for more than 300 airlines - for more than $1 million, alleging he ate food contaminated with bacteria during a flight from Barcelona to New York earlier this year. The lawsuit states that after the plane landed at JFK and as Cortes and his wife waited for their next flight to Miami, Cortes felt "discomfort and pain that included sharp stomach cramps and sudden thirst and other clear outward manifestation of severe physical illness." During the flight to Miami, Cortes experienced nausea and shortness of breath, and became unresponsive after a cardiac event, forcing the plane to make an emergency landing in Norfolk, Virginia. He was pronounced dead on arrival. This is just horrible and if I were ever to fly on an American Airlines flight, I will not be eating their in-flight meals lest I eat some undercooked poultry. I'll probably just have some KFC at the airport terminal.

Bashar is such a jive turkey

Syria is likely to be slammed with a new round of sanctions by Turkey, two days after the Arab League decided to impose economic sanctions on Damascus that were seen by the government as targeting the livelihood of Syrians. Turkish-Syrian relations have hit a new low recently over the unrest in Syria, with the Turkish side accusing the Syrian administration of atrocities against its people, while Damascus accuses Ankara of harbouring and arming terrorist groups against the rule of Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. In fact, Turkey should annex Syria by force. Syria's right across the border, and this means that said border can just be torn down, and after an army invasion, Turkish law will apply instead of al-Assad's crap. In other news, Britain has closed its embassy in Iran.