Looks like Arnie's just been terminated

Maria Shriver stood by Arnold Schwarzenegger when he ran for California's governorship in 2003, even after several women accused him of lecherous behavior. But yesterday, 25 years after their fairytale wedding on Cape Cod, she filed for divorce. This means that not only has their union been terminated, it is likely that half of Arnie's wealth (including but not limited to earnings from a career as a Hollywood megastar, which allowed him to forgo a salary as governor and commute by private jet to Sacramento, and interests in at least eight entities each worth $1 million or more) will not be back either. He should've kept all that money a secret from his wife, or better yet, Arnie and Maria should never have married. And besides, they're both Catholic, and Catholics don't believe in divorce, so it's a bit odd that the couple would be filing for divorce.

We ain't in Kansas no more... oh wait, we're still there

Kansas avoided becoming the first state without an abortion provider by granting Planned Parenthood a licence yesterday to continue performing abortions under new regulations being challenged in federal court. The new rules from the Kansas Department of Health and Environment tell abortion providers what drugs and equipment they must have on hand, how big some of their rooms must be, and the temperatures allowed in procedure and recovery rooms. The department is imposing them under a new licensing law that takes effect today, along with these rules. Supporters of the new legislation say the new Kansas regulations would protect patients from substandard care, but critics say they’re burdensome by design and aimed at shutting down abortion services. Pro-choice supporters are suspicious of the licensing process because it turns out that Governor Sam Brownback is a pro-life (more correctly referred to as anti-choice) Republican and the anti-choice folk helped push the law through the Republican-controlled Legislature. I'm on the fence when it comes to the new rules, but if they are aimed at pushing the anti-choice agenda, then those rules, and the maggots behind them, should be served up with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

2011 is half-finished

In fact, June is now almost finished with just one exception: we have to reveal the Bellend of the Month, and this month, the bellend is Geert Wilders. That maggot is nothing but bad news for the Dutch people. Wilders was facing five counts of inciting hatred and discrimination for describing Islam as a fascist religion and Moroccan youths as violent and for calling for the banning of the Koran, but a week ago, he was found not guilty. This is hate speech and not all Muslims are like that. In fact, there are Muslims who frown upon such extremist behaviour. That racist nutjob needs to undergo an intensive cultural sensitivity programme (hopefully along the lines of the “tolerance camp” that was seen in an episode of South Park) before he causes any more controversy. Those comments were just low and should not be tolerated.

And the base goes... BOOM!

Yesterday, Iran reportedly tested medium- and long-range missiles that are capable of reaching Israel and U.S. bases. This firing of the missiles came on the second day of the Revolutionary Guards' war games, and the day before, Iran's military displayed on national television underground missile silos programmed to hit predetermined targets with medium- and long-range missiles, including Israel and U.S. bases in the Middle East, in the event of an attack. This is worrying news and those bellends seriously need to rethink their strategy before anyone gets hurt. The missiles should be directed at Libya or North Korea instead.

OK, Colonel, time to stand down

I'm not talking about Mr. Sanders. His recipe for fried chicken is, as Snoop Dogg would put it, "off the hizzle fo' shizzle". Instead, I'm talking about an evil and horrible colonel instead: international judges have ordered the arrest of Gaddafi, his son, and his intelligence chief. The warrant was issued yesterday for the men for orchestrating the killing, injuring, arrest, and imprisonment of hundreds of civilians during the first 12 days of unrest and for trying to cover up the alleged crimes. Reading the decision of the International Criminal Court, presiding judge Sanji Monageng of Botswana said there were reasonable grounds to believe that Gaddafi and his son, Seif al-Islam, were both responsible for the murder and persecution of civilians; and if I were in her position, I would have also said the same thing about those scumbags. Our planet does not need bellends like Gaddafi and he and Justin Bieber should both be sent to Guantanamo before anyone else is put through any more torture at the hands of either of them.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Justin Bieber

If you thought cheese infested with maggots was gross, look what we've got in store for you this week. Yes, that's right, a maggot named Justin Bieber. His music is just plain awful and he sounds like Elmo on helium. Seriously, what does Selena Gomez see in that nutjob? I mean, come on, she's better off going out with Amy Chua or a serial rapist.

Also, that 3D movie they made about Bieber was just rubbish and it was the worst 105 minutes of my life – 105 minutes I'll never get back. They should've never put that rubbish out, and if there was an N word for horrible musicians like Justin Bieber, I'd use it right here, right now. And speaking of right here, right now, Jesus Jones are also rubbish. I mean, seriously, what sort of a name is Jesus Jones? Are those nutjobs claiming to be the reincarnation of some carpenter who claimed to be the son of some fictional higher power? I mean, what is the deal with that?

NATO needs to do more

Libyan authorities accused NATO of killing 15 people in an airstrike yesterday that they said hit a restaurant and bakery in the east, though the alliance denied the report. It was the latest outcry from Gaddafi’s government blaming NATO for killing civilians amid a four-month uprising that has sparked a civil war. NATO insists it does all it can to avoid such casualties, and even if NATO did kill all those people, then they should've snuffed Gaddafi as well. That bellend has been nothing but a 42-year-long nightmare that the Libyan people have had to endure, and his reign of terror still isn't over. Like I said, NATO needs to do more.

Gaddafi is becoming unpopular fast

The Obama administration has secured a victory, as US lawmakers voted down a Republican effort to cut off money for US operations in the Libya conflict. The resolution would have struck current-year defense funding for the Libya mission, with exceptions for search and rescue, intelligence, surveillance, reconnaissance, aerial refueling, and operational planning.

This comes after the House of Representatives voted against a resolution giving President Obama authority to order US operations in Libya. Earlier, a resolution that would have authorized Obama's limited military intervention against Gaddafi for a year was also voted down. This is a shame because the measures to authorise the US mission in Libya could have paved the way for deployment of ground forces, which we know will be needed in taking that bellend Gaddafi out of office.

Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan is under house arrest (thank God), and the Gambia has finally adopted a food safety law. Under the new act, known as the "Food Safety and Quality Bill 2011", food operators in the Gambia are obliged to ensure food safety, quality production, processing, and distribution within the business under their control and that their products must satisfy the requirements and regulations as demanded.

Medical care must be cheaper by the prison

James Richard Verone, who is charged with the $1 robbery of an RBC Bank branch in North Carolina, has never been in trouble with the law before. Mr Verone, who was unemployed and facing several health problems, walked into the bank and handed the bank teller a note that read: "This is a bank robbery. Please give me $1." He then sat in the bank waiting for the police to arrive. The 59-year-old, who had no health insurance, has a growth on his chest, two ruptured disks and a problem with his left foot, said he committed the robbery because he believed prison was the best place he could go to for medical attention. This is just a stupid idea, especially for just $1. He might get cheap medical care while in the joint, but getting yourself in trouble with the law isn't the best place to go. You can also go overseas to get a cheaper deal on medical treatment, but the savings can be offset somewhat by the cost of air travel. Or maybe he could've gone behind a motel for treatment, but those illegal operations tend to specialise in abortion, and at any rate, are possibly not safe. But if prison seems to be the best way to go, then don't come crying to me when you get a "booster shot" in your back end courtesy of another inmate.

Bring the troops home, Obama

Beginning to wind down a long and devastating war, President Barack Obama announced last night he was pulling home 33,000 troops from Afghanistan before the election next year, withdrawing the "surge" of forces he had sent to rescue a flailing effort. Said Obama to a country eager for an exit: "The tide of war is receding." The tide of war may be receding but they're still planning to keep 70,000 soldiers there. The war is now pointless, maybe except for removing the rest of al-Qaeda from the face of the earth, and once al-Qaeda is no more, the entire US Army should then invade North Korea and liberate it from that scumbag Kim Jong-Il.

The proof is in the picture

Cigarette makers must add large, graphic warning labels depicting diseased lungs, a man exhaling smoke through a hole in his neck, and other images to packaging and advertising in the U.S. by October 2012. It's about time the FDA introduced such a directive. We have similar images on cigarette packets in New Zealand and the labels are getting people here to quit, as are taxes, which could be increased further. Smoking is a leading cause of death in several countries and more needs to be done. For instance, if filmmakers are going to have characters smoking in their movies, there should be taxes on those movies. Or there could be taxes on smoking paraphernalia like pipes and also on rolling papers. Taxes could also be increased on flavoured cigarettes, or import duties on tobacco could be increased. Or maybe they could just call the whole thing off and extend the US embargo on Cuban cigars to apply to ALL tobacco no matter what form it's in or where it was grown.

They should be leaving on a jet plane by now

Japanese parents living near the tsunami-hit Fukushima nuclear plant issued an "emergency petition" today, demanding the government do more to protect their children from radiation exposure. A coalition of six citizens' and environmental groups called for the evacuation of children and pregnant women from radiation hotspots, stricter monitoring, and the early closure of schools for summer holidays. A better idea would be for people to move out of the area on their own, preferably get out of Japan and start a new life because atmospheric radiation levels show no sign of abating, and that means the inhabitants of heavily contaminated areas will continue to endure high radiation doses, both externally and internally. To minimize such exposure, residents should be evacuated promptly to areas where radiation is less severe. Top priority must be given to infants, children, and expectant mothers - all highly susceptible to radiation effects (look at what happened with Chernobyl).

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Casu marzu

I am adding a new regular feature: the Weekly Gross-out. On Mondays, I will find something gross for you to feast your eyes on. This week, it's a cheese from the Italian island of Sardinia. The cheese is known as casu marzu, and it's created by leaving whole Pecorino cheeses outside with part of the rind removed to allow the eggs of the cheese fly (Piophila casei) to be laid in the cheese. A female Piophila casei can lay more than five hundred eggs at one time. These larvae are deliberately introduced to the cheese, promoting an advanced level of fermentation and breaking down of the cheese's fats. The texture of the cheese becomes very soft, with some liquid seeping out. By the time it is ready for consumption, a typical casu marzu will contain thousands of these maggots.

This cheese goes beyond typical fermentation to a stage most would consider decomposition, brought about by the digestive action of the maggots, who appear as translucent white worms, about 8 millimetres long, and when disturbed, the larvae can launch themselves for distances of nearly 15 centimetres. I can't believe that anybody would be so disgusting as to deliberately introduce maggots into cheese and then eat it. This is just filthy and I can't believe anyone would eat anything as foul as cheese with maggots in it. That cheese should be banned before someone gets sick.

The Libyan rebels are advancing!

Meanwhile, two countries over, Morocco's youth-based February 20 Movement has called for nationwide protests against constitutional changes proposed by King Mohammed VI. The king outlined curbs to his wide political powers in an address to the nation on Friday and pledged to build a constitutional monarchy with a democratic parliament. But there are calls for a truly democratic constitution and a parliamentary monarchy, because even though the king is devolving some of his powers to the Prime Minister (for instance, the prime minister would be able to appoint government officials and dissolve parliament, and the new constitution ensures the prime minister is selected from the party that received the most votes in the election rather than just one chosen by the king), there are still some things he's holding on to, for instance, the king would remain a key power-broker in the security, military, and religious fields. While the head of state should be given some powers, more can be done because the last thing Morocco needs is a bloody revolution like in Egypt or Libya.

Maybe the real fags are homophobes

In what the U.S. State Department is calling a "historic step," the U.N. Human Rights Council passed a resolution yesterday supporting equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation. The resolution, introduced by South Africa, is the first-ever U.N. resolution on the human rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered persons. It passed with 23 votes in favor, 19 opposed, and three abstentions amid strong criticism of South Africa by some African nations. This is indeed a historic step, and it really is a critical beginning of the universal recognition of a new set of rights, and it sends a clear message that abuses based on sexual orientation and gender identity must end. So if you're engaging in homophobic behaviour, you'd better stop because you yourself could be a homosexual. That goes for you too, Mr. Homophobe.

I am Saudi woman, hear me drive!

Saudi women have started their campaign to get behind the wheel in protest to defy the government ban on women's driving. The organizers of the online campaign say some Saudi women drove around the capital, Riyadh, before dawn today without incident. If you thought Saudi Arabia was in the Dark Ages, feast yourselves upon this: Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world that bans women (both Saudi and foreign) from driving. Saudi women are also barred from voting and deprived of a choice in marriage, divorce, and children's custody. The females are dictated to and guarded by male relatives and cannot travel without the consent of a male guardian. In essence, having a vagina as opposed to a penis would make you a second-class citizen over there. This is just not right, and if I were a woman living in Saudi Arabia, I'd disguise myself as a man, drive (yes, drive) to the airport, and get myself out of that wasteland and go to wherever the next flight to an English-speaking country is going and start a new life.

Today's inmate, tomorrow's terrorist

US prisons are becoming a hotbed for indoctrinating inmates and turning them into radical Muslims, US lawmakers were told yesterday in the second of a series of controversial hearings. This is bad news because this generation of inmates, if they escape or are released, could in time wind up back behind bars for terrorism. As if the rate of reoffending wasn't bad enough, outside influences access those on the inside, and inmates reach from the inside out. Individuals and groups that subscribe to radical Islamic ideology have made sustained efforts to target inmates for indoctrination. A solution to this problem would be to have separate prisons for Muslims and non-Muslims. Or, because segregation is a breach of civil rights legislation, a better solution to keep these outside influences from reaching the prisons could be to tear a leaf from Guantanamo's book and maybe play the Sesame Street or Barney theme tune over and over 24/7 on the prison intercom. Or maybe there should be more use of alternatives to prison like fines or community service (or maybe bringing back judicial corporal punishment) to reduce the chance of a not-so-serious offender becoming a potential terrorist on release.

Fifty-one Nifty United States?

This is NOT the American flag – that only has 50 stars. But this 51-star design may soon become the American flag if Arizona splits into two, so you should probably get used to it now.

Today, I came across the website for a political group called Start Our State. Their aim is for the southern parts of Arizona to become a new state called Baja Arizona. However, there are some parts of the world that I feel to be more deserving of the 51st star. For instance, the Bahamas, which are just to the east of Florida, should join the US, either as part of Florida or as a state in its own right. This way, American travellers to the popular tourist destination wouldn't have airport security touching their private areas (it's not an initiation ritual, it's just part of the over-the-top security measures at international airports in post-9/11 America) because they will still be in America upon landing in Nassau. Or maybe, all of Washington DC (excluding the National Mall, Capitol Hill, and the White House) could become a new state or join Maryland or Virginia. There is also a movement for the counties near the Oregon-California border to form a new state called Jefferson. Or they could add US territories as states, for instance, Puerto Rico can become a state with or without the US Virgin Islands; or the territories in the Pacific (Guam and Northern Marianas; the independent nations of Marshall Islands, Federated States of Micronesia, and Palau; and maybe American Samoa) can join Hawaii or become a new state which could be called Pacifica. And while we're on the topic of adding Pacific islands to the portfolio, maybe New Zealand should become the next state. I can think of several reasons why New Zealand should become the 51st state of the United States:

1. We would now get to bully Australia (and probably bowl them underarm).
   
2. No more royal tours.
   
3. Cheaper gas (or petrol as it's called here).
   
4. The SAS would get the much cooler name of Delta Force.
   
5. We would now be with the possessors of the Olympic Gold Medal for Rugby Union.
   
6. We instantly have an effective free trade agreement with the US, and will be part of the NAFTA free trade alliance with Canada and Mexico.
   
7. The ANZUS Treaty would then become the A’n'US treaty.
   
8. Just as one has African-Americans, Asian-Americans, and Arab-Americans, we would be Kiwi-Americans.
   
9. We'd no longer need to fund MFAT (whatever that is).
   
10. Someone earning NZ$100,000 (just over US$80,000) would only pay 19.5% federal income tax (in addition to what I hope are relatively small state taxes) instead of the average 29.5% currently imposed.
    
11. Those indecent nutjobs at airport security won't need to touch our junk when we go to, for example, New York or LA, because we'd already be in America.
    
12. Even though we'd be part of America, we would now have a New Zealander in charge instead of an old British woman.
    
13. The Breakers could leave the Australian National Basketball League and join the NBA.
    
14. 1- and 5-cent pieces will make a comeback.
    
15. Because we might have to change our time zone from UTC+12 to UTC-12, New Zealand can celebrate the 4th of July twice in the lead-up to statehood.
    

UPDATE: I've just thought of one more: Because we would have to start driving on the right, that means we could import nice-looking cars direct from Italy or the US without having to shift the steering wheel.

It's a shame there are still nutjobs who support Gaddafi

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has pressed some of the world's last remaining friends of Colonel Gaddafi to abandon that bellend and join the growing international demand for him to give up power. She told African nations that their solidarity with the Libyan people could make the difference for a peaceful future, and she may well be right. Gaddafi seized power in a coup in 1969, and another coup may be needed to get him out. Words and actions can make a difference in bringing this horrible situation to a close and allowing the people of Libya to get to work rebuilding their country. This conflict has gone on long enough and it's time for Gaddafi to stand down and face the International Criminal Court.

What up, Digger?

Stephen Fry is rewriting history and it has upset one man who lived through it. Fry is the script-writer for a new version of the 1955 Dambusters film, which is about a famous British raid on the Germans. It stars a dog with a difficult name, so Fry has decided the name should be replaced with ‘Digger’. The man that this change has supposedly upset seriously needs to get a life because these days, the N word is a racist slur directed at black people and should never ever be used in any place at any time. A lot has changed since the raids - for instance, people didn't really think much of the N word causing offence, and nowadays, there's less discipline in schools than there used to be, but this can be solved by bringing back the strap or the cane. Also, we didn't have very many of the modern conveniences we take for granted, and the human race was only just beginning to recognise tobacco's harmful effects. But good on you, Mr. Fry, for removing that awful word from your script. I hope the movie turns a profit.

It's been fifteen months since we started

But let's get to the point here: Syrian government forces have advanced into the northern town of Jisr al-Shughour as part of a widespread government crackdown. Witnesses reported an attack using tanks and helicopter gunships after an early morning bombardment. The government says it is trying to restore order after it claimed 120 security personnel had been killed, but residents say the dead were killed after a mutiny and fighting between the security forces. Bashar al-Assad needs to step down before any more damage is done because this latest government advance is causing more and more people to leave Syria and head for refugee camps across the Turkish border. Two camps are already full of refugees and a third is filling up rapidly. Syria's crackdown is creating a humanitarian crisis, and the International Committee for the Red Cross (ICRC) needs to be given access to the area so this can be sorted out.

Things are getting a bit random here

That's right, I'm adding a random number generator to my blog. You can use it if you want, but it's primarily here to help me choose between several news stories if I can't decide which nutjob(s) to bring down (my trick will be to assign a number to each news story and let the generator do the rest). It's much better than flipping a coin, especially when you don't have one on you.

Note to self: Don't leave a teenager in charge

An 18-month-old boy drowned in a bathtub after being held under water by a five-year-old girl in Kansas City. Police officers said they were treating the death of the boy as homicide, after the girl told social workers she held him under water to stop his crying. The good news? He stopped crying. The bad news? Both children, along with others, were under the supervision of a teenager while an adult had left to pick up the father of the 18-month-old boy, and the teenager should've been in the bathroom watching those two. Whoever left the teen in charge did so without any regard to that or any other shenanigans the kids could have gotten up to. The blame should not be on the 5-year-old, who obviously did not know any better and is too young to face criminal charges anyway, but it should be divided up between that irresponsible teenager for leaving two young children unsupervised near water, and the adult who left that nutjob in charge. That was just careless and I hope they go to prison for letting this horrific incident happen.

Think you're grossed out by maggots? Read this!

Indiana woman Angela Voelkert wanted a little dirt on her husband as she prepared for a messy divorce, so she posed online as a teen to trick him into dishing some damaging details, and what she learned was astounding: he was plotting to kill her and run off with their kids. Angela created a fake profile of a teen named Jessica Studebaker last month, complete with a picture of an anonymous teenybopper, and became Facebook friends with her gullible hubby David (pictured). I don't know who had the more malicious motives, but one thing is for certain: that maggot is going down, not for plotting to murder his wife (yet), but he apparently also installed a GPS tracker on her van, and was charged in federal court for doing so. Officials say he could face more serious charges. I hope he gets locked up for a long time because this unethical behaviour is just not on, and some time behind bars will most definitely sort that nutjob out.

There's no such thing as psychics

The police in East Texas were led on a fruitless search last night when a woman, claiming to be a psychic, called in a sensational tip, saying she knew of a mass grave where dozens of dismembered bodies were buried. Equipped with a search warrant and cadaver-sniffing dogs, deputies from the Liberty County Sheriff’s Office converged on a home on a narrow country road near Hardin (about an hour outside Houston) in search of a macabre crime scene. The news of a mass grave in rural Texas set off a news media frenzy: throngs of reporters camped outside the home, two news helicopters circled above, and cable news stations flashed alerts that up to 30 bodies had been found. But in the end, there was no grave, there were no bodies, and there was no sign that any crime had been committed. But there was a crime: the misleading call that created the spectacle in the first place. This is a stupid waste of police time and the woman who did it is a complete bellend who was just looking for her 15 minutes of fame when there were other places to find it, for example, she could've made a video and loaded it onto YouTube with the hope of being among other Internet phenomena like that double rainbow guy or the video with the two girls and one cup.

It serves him right

Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh has suffered a collapsed lung and burns on 40% of his body, U.S. government officials briefed on the matter said, as the fate of the embattled leader, and whether he will return to the conflict in Yemen, remains uncertain. Saleh was injured on Friday from an attack at his presidential compound and is seeking treatment in Saudi Arabia. An Arab diplomatic source with knowledge of Saleh's condition says one shrapnel wound is 7 centimeters (almost 3 inches) deep. This serves him right for all the harm that he has done to the people of Yemen. If nutjobs like Saleh want to make trouble for the people they have responsibility over, then they should expect the people to revolt in the same way. Last week, Yemen's government faced condemnation from the United Nations and others for the killing of as many as 50 anti-government demonstrators in Taiz, and now, their leader is paying the price and I won't be surprised if that maggot goes six feet under.

If rebels can't do it... NATO can!

British jets hit a military barracks in Tripoli yesterday, intensifying NATO pressure on Gaddafi nearly four months into an uprising to end his erratic 42-year rule. The airstrikes on the barracks, which have been repeated targets of NATO strikes, followed the Western alliance's first use of attack helicopters on Saturday. This is some rather welcoming news, and by intensifying attacks from the air and using helicopters to target government forces who melt into the civilian population for cover, NATO is providing a major boost to Libyan rebel forces who have seized much of the country's east and gained toeholds in the west. But foreign governments should be arming the Libyan rebels because that scumbag Gaddafi will not go down without a fight.

Another rating disaster by the OFLC

Today, I saw the film Barney's Version. I noticed several scenes of various characters in the film smoking - and there were people smoking cigars, cigarettes, and cigarillos (which are sort of a compromise between the other two). Also, there was one scene early on in which a black guy was punched to the ground in an unprovoked (or maybe racially motivated) attack. And despite all of this, the movie was still given the M rating by those disgraces at the Office of Film and Literature Classification. The M rating carries the recommendation "suitable for mature audiences 16 years and over" but is not restricted, which is a pity because children can still be admitted to screenings. If a kid saw that travesty, they would think smoking and beating up people of other races is cool.

Web's out in Syria

Syrians poured into the streets yesterday in some of the largest anti-government protests yet despite the shutdown of much of Syria’s internet network, which has been crucial to the protesters’ ability to mobilize and a major source of information for those outside the country. The crowds protesting the authoritarian rule of President Bashar al-Assad appeared fueled in part by escalating anger about the torture and killing of a 13-year-old boy. Witnesses said protesters in dozens of communities yesterday dedicated their marches to him and other children killed during the uprising. Al-Assad is not a nice man and this blatant violation of the right to seek and impart information will not be tolerated. What Syria needs right now is some of those new solutions that America have been working on to help circumvent other governments' restrictions on Internet freedom, but it could probably just be a few rogue WiFi networks being operated from a plane or something like that.

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest but here goes

A federal judge has ordered a Texas school district to prohibit public prayer at a high school graduation ceremony. Chief U.S. District Judge Fred Biery’s order against the Medina Valley Independent School District also forbids students from using specific religious words including “prayer” and “amen.” This may seem to you like a violation of First Amendment rights but this is to do with a high school graduation taking place on the grounds of a public school. Church and state are two separate entities. The church should not meddle in the state's affairs, and the state should not meddle in the church's affairs. The judge did grant students permission to make the sign of the cross, wear religious garb, or kneel to face Mecca, and if I believed in the relevant bunches of lies, I'd probably see that concession as sufficient.

Tax it, don't ban it

The global war on drugs has failed and governments should explore legalising marijuana and other controlled substances, according to a commission that includes former heads of state, a former U.N. secretary-general, and a business mogul. We all know that some of those drugs, for instance crack, are even worse than tobacco. However, if governments legalise some drugs, for instance marijuana, then they could use this to add to a stream of tax revenue. But there are other ways of bringing in taxes. We already know of taxes on tobacco, alcohol, junk food, and the like, but I have some more novel ideas on how to milk some tax revenue. For example, if a movie contains scenes of people smoking, then the government can require cinemas to put ticket prices up 5 or 10% for those specific movies and put it towards anti-smoking programmes. Or they could put a tax on vuvuzelas and use the money on programmes for deaf people. Or maybe they could tax objects that have the potential to be used for child or spousal abuse, and have the money go towards initiatives designed to prevent such abuse. Or maybe they could just legalise pot and have a $50 tax on each ounce.

And the prom queen is... a guy?

That's right, folks. Just about every girl growing up dreams of being prom queen, and so did Andrew Viveros from Davie, Florida (in the blue dress), who had his wish become a reality when he was crowned McFatter High School's prom queen Friday night. Viveros, who for the past two years has gone by the name Andii, is a transgender who fought to get his name on the prom queen ballot. He is the first transgender to be named prom queen at a public school in the United States, and this is despite a group of player-haters who didn't think Viveros should have been allowed to compete for the title and started a petition to get his name off the ballot, which I think is a stupid and narrow-minded thing to do. I wish Andii all the best for the future.

Looks like we've copped a big bellend this month

It's not Hosni Mubarak. It's not Colonel Gaddafi or Ali Abdullah Saleh. It's not even Kim Jong-Il or Amy Chua. The Bellend of the Month for May 2011 is none other than the Police Minister of New Zealand, Judith Collins. It was revealed this month that in addition to having a chauffeur-driven BMW, that disgraceful nutjob has spent over $11000 of public money on petrol for a taxpayer-funded car that she drives herself. But that is not the end of that corrupt maggot's rap sheet.

She is also rejecting a call for more resources to help prisons cope with a ban on smoking. I agree that there should be a ban, but new inmates who are forced to quit smoking when they enter prison could be at risk of harming themselves or staff. The best solution is never to even start that filthy habit in the first place.

And last but by no means least, that bellend has pledged to support a Private Member's Bill to prevent girls under 16 having abortions without their parents being told. This is stupid because especially when they are at such a vulnerable age, doctors should respect girls' confidentiality when it comes to reproductive health. And if the girl comes from an abusive household, the news of the pregnancy would cause even more strife. Or maybe, a medical condition in one of the parents could be exacerbated by the fact that their daughter is pregnant. This approach to the issue would see more terminations, and a rise in illegal backstreet abortions. It is just plain horrible that some other parts of the world already have such a catastrophic travesty on the books.

I wouldn't pay. Would you?

A British man who had his sperm frozen in case he became infertile was astonished to learn that his ex-wife had tricked an IVF clinic into twice making her pregnant. He then had to pay £100,000 towards the upbringing of the son and daughter he had known nothing about. This is something that no parent should ever have to go through, and the ex-wife should be locked up for fraud because after their divorce back in 2000, she visited the clinic and forged his signature to allow doctors to create embryos from his frozen sperm and her egg. This sort of behaviour is unethical, and if you're engaging in this rubbish, then you're not being a good role model to your kids. But this isn't entirely her fault: it's obviously partly his fault for leaving his sperm there for that bellend to use, but the clinic should also bear some of the weight of this: they should have insisted that both the donor and the recipient be present, physically, and with the correct identification, to sign the documentation required before agreeing to the release and use of the sperm. They were negligent in that they let that manipulative nutjob use his sperm without his consent, and they should be made to pay him back his £100,000.

Ain't that the truce

The Yemeni government and a powerful rebel tribe have not reached a ceasefire agreement, both sides said today after days of street battles and the seizure of key government buildings by the tribe. The rebel tribe had just cause to seize government buildings: Ali Abdullah Saleh has been resisting protests calling on him to step down after 33 long, tortuous years in power. He backed out of a deal last week to ease him out of office and he is now paying dearly for being such a fool - one which not even Mr. T can pity.

In Soviet Russia, Gaddafi deposes YOU!

Russian President Dimitri Medvedev has joined American and other European leaders in calling for Gaddafi to step down. This gesture from one of America's former enemies is a sign of a shift that appears to indicate a closing diplomatic window for the longtime Libyan strongman, but there is more Russia could do than just add to calls for resignation - for instance, they could arm the rebels, aim nuclear weapons at Tripoli, or even deploy some or all of their military. Or they could even cut all diplomatic ties with Gaddafi and not just recognise both camps as co-legitimate representatives of Libya like they're doing now.

The Saleh should be over by now

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton says the United States is troubled by political intransigence in Yemen amid ongoing violence there. Clinton says Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh has repeatedly "reneged" on promises to step down, and she says the U.S. and other countries are trying hard to get him out, and they'd better be because that douche, along with other bellends like Mubarak and Gaddafi, has continual lack of democratic reform, widespread corruption, and several human rights abuses under his belt. On the 18th, that nutjob agreed to sign a deal with opposition groups, stipulating that he would resign within a month; however, he later reneged on that commitment and it's time to get that scumbag out, even if it means executing him.

Prison numbers could go down soon

The state of California worked at it, worked at it, worked at it, and finally, they did it. On Monday, the way inmates are jammed into prisons was found to meet the constitutional definition of cruel and unusual punishment. One achievement was to have nearly twice as many inmates as the prisons were designed to hold, and the amazing thing is that they had pulled this off despite building a new prison every year or so. Now, the U.S. Supreme Court, in a 5-4 ruling, has ordered that inmate numbers be thinned by 33,000 or so. One way to do this is to release some of the prisoners that have been sentenced to unduly harsh terms under the three strikes law - this means that if you receive a felony conviction in certain jurisdictions and you already have two or more priors, you could go to prison for 25 years or more, and this rubbish can lead to some rather unjust sentences; one example was a guy from southern California who got 50 years in prison just for stealing some videotapes when a more reasonable term would have been just one year.

Mubarak's about to get a taste of his own medicine

Egypt's former President Hosni Mubarak will become the first Arab head of state to face trial after being deposed by his own people, marking a pivotal moment in the revolutions that have swept across more than half a dozen nations since the start of this year. Mubarak and his two sons, Alaa and Gamal, will face charges of intentional murder, attempted murder of demonstrators, abuse of power to intentionally waste public funds, and unlawfully profiting from public funds for them and for others. I can't think of any better news and I'm hoping they execute that maggot. The last 30 years have been nothing but torture for the Egyptian people, and it will hopefully be over someday.

Could this be it for Gaddafi?

NATO aircraft launched a barrage of strikes on the Libyan capital today. At least 18 rockets struck Tripoli in the heaviest onslaught since the aerial strikes began, and for good reason - that scumbag Gaddafi has lost legitimacy to rule. He cannot regain control of Libya, and he must step down immediately. His forces still represent a threat to civilians and it is only fitting that arrest warrants have been issued by the International Criminal Court for that nutjob. Too bad Kim Jong Il's not covered by the warrant.

Blackpool drown in final match of the season

Old Trafford was the scene of this morning's Man United v Blackpool game, and the final scoreline was 4-2 to Man U. Man U's goals were scored by Ji-Sung Park, Anderson, and Michael Owen, along with an own goal scored by Ian Evatt. Blackpool's goals were scored by Charlie Adam and Gary Taylor-Fletcher. Three yellow cards were shown.

Miss Arnold's Chinese luck has come to an end

China Arnold, who killed her one-month-old daughter in a microwave in 2005, was spared the death penalty and sentenced to life without parole in what happens to be her third trial over the incident, and it looks like her lucky run is over. Her first trial ended in a mistrial, and she was found guilty in the second but the conviction was reversed on appeal, and third time around, a jury convicted that maggot of aggravated murder two weeks ago and recommended her punishment on Friday. Life without parole just isn't enough when it comes to microwaving your one-month-old baby because it means that that bellend is still alive and as an inmate in a corrections facility, she is also a drain on the taxpayer as far as food (which should be reduced to nothing but bread and water) and lodging goes. She should get the chair for such a heinous crime.

Just wait till the rebels get involved

Libya has accused NATO of causing a humanitarian crisis after airstrikes targeted the government-controlled port in Tripoli, saying the attacks have limited movement of supply ships in and out of the country. I think that if that scumbag Gaddafi is going to continue mining waters in Misrata and hampering the flow of humanitarian aid to the rebels, then NATO were well within their rights to strike Tripoli the way they did, and I don't believe for one second that the airstrikes violated a UN resolution. NATO targeted the ships after it was apparent that Gaddafi's forces were increasingly using naval vessels to launch attacks on civilians, and they were well within their rights to do so.

That may be welcome in Oscar's home but not in a school's trashcan

A substitute teacher at Riverdale Elementary School in Atlanta was arrested on Wednesday for allegedly exposing himself and urinating into a trashcan inside a classroom of fourth-graders (contains mostly kids aged nine and ten). The indecent maggot was charged with two counts of aggravated child molestation and is being held on $55,400 bond in the Clayton County Jail. I hope the school board fires that bellend because this sort of rubbish is not on. Even if Amy Chua resided in that bin, it's still not acceptable to do that in front of the kids. Teachers need to show more responsibility.

Who will become the new head?

Dominique Strauss-Kahn resigned as head of the International Monetary Fund, which he is widely credited with revitalizing at a pivotal time, throwing into high gear a global race to replace him following charges that he sexually assaulted a hotel worker in New York. It's a shame really, because under Mr. Strauss-Kahn, the IMF has played a key role in handling the fallout from the global financial crisis. It has bailed out more than a dozen countries with emergency loans, and worked with the European Union — less successfully — in keeping the crisis from spreading to Western Europe. I hope the new head will be just as good, if not better.

Oprah's almost off the air

However, the same can't be said about Two and a Half Men. That tripe that passes for comedy is set to continue, but with Ashton Kutcher taking Charlie Sheen's place. The show was horrible enough with Charlie Sheen in it, but now that Kutcher, who is such a douche, is coming onto the show, it's just setting off a vicious cycle which could soon result in a TV programme having the N word used over 30 times in every 22-minute episode being considered comedy. If I were the head of the network, I would've cancelled that god-awful rubbish before it even started.

I told you this would happen

The United States government has maxed out its "credit card". The $14.3 trillion limit on federal borrowing was reached yesterday, leaving Congress eleven weeks to raise the threshold or risk a financial panic or another recession. And they'd better do something about this - the current Congress was able to avoid a shutdown earlier this year, so they can probably make it out of this new mess alive. In fact, they're already making cutbacks - Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner formally notified Congress that the government would halt its investments in two federal pension plans so it won't exceed the borrowing limit. However, there are other ways Congress could come up with the money, for instance, an illegal drug could become legal but subject to taxation. Or maybe they could start putting a "fat tax" on junk food, especially the Double Down "sandwich" from KFC. Another way would be to execute some of the nastier federal prisoners because they're becoming too much of a drain on the taxpayer. Or if all else fails, they could just start printing money like crazy.

We are the champions, my friends...

Yesterday morning's clash at Ewood Park resulted in Man United being guaranteed a record 19th Premiership title. They only needed one more league point for the title and they got it by drawing their game against Blackburn 1-1. Wayne Rooney (pictured) scored the title-sealing penalty, and the Blackburn Rovers' goal came from Australian-born Brett Emerton. Two other Blackburn players received yellow cards.

What happened to just printing more money?

The debt-laden US government's credit card will hit its limit tomorrow, creating a cash crunch that puts the country's credit standing at risk as politicians battle over its long-term deficit. However, reaching the $14.29 trillion ceiling set by Congress will not have an immediate impact on government finances, because the Treasury has found about ten weeks of wiggle-room in short-term adjustments and an unexpected April jump in tax revenues. But if they haven't sorted it out by August 2, the United States, which has always merited a top-grade credit rating, might be left with no choice but to default on its debt payments but instead of resorting to such an irresponsible course of action, they could bring in more tax revenue by legalising pot or crack and having a $50 tax on each ounce sold, or they could hold a massive nationwide telethon and hopefully raise billions and billions (if not trillions and trillions), or if all else fails, they could make a desperate attempt to remove the deficit entirely by printing however much more money is needed - Mugabe's regime had to survive the same way at one point.

Blindly stupid move by Amnesty International

An 'eye-for-an-eye' punishment ordered by a court in Tehran has been postponed indefinitely. What happened was that a woman named Ameneh Bahrami was scheduled to blind the man who disfigured her face and blinded her by pouring a bucket of acid over her in 2004, after she had rejected several marriage proposals from him, in line with traditional principles accepted by the court. The sentence was scheduled to be carried out today in a hospital in Tehran but yesterday, Amnesty International urged Iranian authorities not to blind that bellend with the application of five drops of acid to each eye. This is stupid because any nutjob who chucks acid at somebody should get the same punishment, which, even though I don't really much care for the Iranian ways, would have been an effective deterrent for others who are thinking of committing such a heinous act. If I were in charge of any country's justice system, I'd buy bottles of acid for the courts to serve that very purpose, with the victim getting a choice between hydrochloric and sulfuric acids (not that it'll matter too much).

Sorry about the late post

Blogger was having maintenance problems, but it's back up and running. I've started up a blog at Wordpress just in case this carry-on becomes a habit.

Give us back our day!

In 1892, Samoa moved from our side of the International Date Line to America's side to align with American traders in California, an unintended effect of this being that it was 4th of July twice that year. Now, with almost as many Samoans living in Australia and New Zealand as the 180,000 who remain on the islands, the prime minister, Tuilaepa Sailele Malielegaoi, who switched the islands from driving on the right to driving on the left in 2009, has decided that it is time to adopt a time zone closer to that of its western Pacific neighbours. However, there's also tourism operators to consider. A great selling point for tourists and holiday-makers was that Samoa is one of the last places to see the sunset, but soon, it will be one of the first to see the sunrise (actually, the first place will be the Line Islands in Kiribati). Or, because American Samoa is keeping to a timezone closer to the States, visitors to the Samoan islands will now be able to celebrate the same day twice, by hopping between Samoa and American Samoa, which are an hour's flight apart. In essence, you can have two birthdays, two weddings and two wedding anniversaries on the same date on separate days without leaving the Samoan chain. So don't take this move the wrong way.

I smell cancer...

A team at the Institute of Technology in Israel have developed the electronic nose which is so sophisticated a device that it can sniff out malignant head and neck cancer tumours which are often hard to diagnose. According to them, it picks up on microscopic chemical changes that are emitted in the breath of people with the two cancers, compared to those without the disease. There have been several recent developments in the field of cancer detection, but now that the detection phase has been done to death, it's time to focus on a cure for this evil disease.

Dat shizzle be awful innit

Street slang including thang, innit and grrl (which doesn't even have a vowel in it) along with words from the internet such as Wiki and Myspace have been added to an "official" reference for Scrabble players. Other words now permitted include slang words for various kinds of drugs such as tik, gak and tina. This latest addition to the dictionary is just some douchebags who think they're cool and they "rock the hizzouse" and all that, but they're just muddying the waters that determine what words are allowed and what aren't. If this vicious cycle continues, words like "qgjwnwonm", "gwlcsfdkjskvgalsmcdvzkh", "sntrfgagdhapIALSzhsfjrd", and "sdkmcgnrfhdnm" would be on the list by 2025.

Man U double their lead with victory against Chelsea

This morning's clash at Old Trafford resulted in Man United beating Chelsea 2-1. Man U's goals were scored by Javier Hernandez and Nemanja Vidic, and Chelsea's goal was scored by Frank Lampard. Six yellow cards were shown all up.

Looks like Deepwater Horizon all over again

Forces loyal to Gaddafi have destroyed three huge fuel tanks in the besieged city of Misrata, aggravating an already dire humanitarian crisis there. The bombardment could lead to critical shortages of gasoline for vehicles and fuel for electricity in the stricken city. Not only that, but this act of unfathomable stupidity on Gaddafi's part could also cause pollution in the general area; maybe not quite to the scale of Deepwater Horizon, but it could still be quite bad in the long term.

Also, the United States and other nations that have called for Gaddafi to step down have been hesitant to arm the rebels, generally preferring to provide non-lethal, humanitarian aid. I now think it's time somebody provided guns for the rebels, because that's the only way they'll get anywhere with those pro-Gaddafi nutjobs.

Happy Mother's Day for tomorrow, everyone

I hope you've splashed out on a nice gift for your mother, but just a card with "happy mothers day mummy" scribbled on it with an unsharpened pencil and the s written backwards (probably something Amy Chua would reject because not enough effort was put into it) would be fine because you made it yourself, even if you didn't put lots of effort into it.

Whoa! Double Down! It's so intense!

The Double Down has almost landed on our shores... it'll be here on Tuesday at 10am to be precise.

What an incompetent court system the States has

This isn't about the courts ruling earlier this year that the First Amendment covers the Westboro Baptist Church's hateful campaign of gay-bashing. Two classmates of Phoebe Prince, who hanged herself in the stairwell of her family's apartment early last year, pleaded guilty to charges of criminal harassment, but other more serious charges were dismissed and neither will serve time. This is just stupid, and because of all the ridicule and teasing that caused Phoebe Prince to take her life, those two bellends are in part responsible for her death and they should've been charged with manslaughter. One year of probation and 100 hours community service just isn't enough given the scale of the aftermath of the incident in question. They should've been locked up in juvie until they turn 21.

Gaddafi's men are pushing back into Misrata

And meanwhile, hundreds of Syrians have been charged with "degrading the prestige of the state", a Syrian rights group said, in President Bashar al-Assad's drive to crush pro-democracy protests against his 11-year autocratic rule. This is one stupid thing to charge protesters with because al-Assad's autocratic rule has already degraded the prestige of the state. The mass arrests are continuing across Syria in yet another violation of human rights and international conventions, and it's time the International Criminal Court put out an arrest warrant against that bellend.

Man U still on top but only just

Yesterday morning’s clash at Emirates Stadium ended with Arsenal beating Man United 1-0. But still, this has been an impressive season for the Reds – 35 games down and just four losses. Also, this is only the first time this season that Man United lost a match without scoring a goal, and I hope it’s the last. There were five yellow cards, and they went to Aaron Ramsey (who scored the goal), Alex Song, Fabio da Silva, Ji-Sung Park, and Wayne Rooney.

Osama's out thanks to Obama

Osama bin Laden has been caught in Pakistan and he is now dead. However, we can’t say the same about some of the other bellends out there, for instance, self-admitted bad (or maybe just super-strict) parent Amy Chua, authoritarian nutjobs like Kim Jong-Il, racist comedians like Michael Richards, drug cheats like Floyd Landis and Ben Johnson, tax frauds like Wesley Snipes, writers for some of the worst excuses for entertainment (Two and a Half Men and Modern Family come to mind), people into antisocial habits like smoking or graffiti, and the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ stupid habit of spreading their lies by knocking on people’s doors uninvited. This development will hopefully result in the withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan but it’s not really doing anything to bring about change in the Arab world.

It's NATO to the rescue!

NATO confirmed today that it had hit a Libyan government building, but denied targeting the Gaddafi family following the reported death of Gaddafi's youngest son. This is just another step forward in the fight to have Gaddafi and his awful reign of terror wiped off the face of our earth. He is the skidmark on the underpants of Libyan society and it will take more than a group of rebels to get rid of him. That monster is a very nasty piece of work and his regime's systematic attacks on the Libyan population and populated areas cannot ever be condoned in any place at any time.

A year ago today, we were on post number 50

And today, we have another Bellend of the Month to shame and dishonour: Bethany Storro. You may have heard of her as a victim of an acid attack, but it was discovered this month that the bellend made the whole thing up. She gained sympathy around the world after a stranger supposedly threw acid in her face, but when the cops found holes in her story, she confessed, saying the severe burns she suffered in the horrific 'attack' were actually 'self-inflicted'. This is really nasty stuff considering hundreds of hours of police time were wasted as a result of this and the alleged attacker was described as black, and if this sort of carry-on had taken place in Iran, she would probably have acid thrown at her for real.

Will and Kate are getting married as I type

But seriously guys, royal weddings aren't really news. However, I checked the blog stats today and found out that in addition to the countries I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, there have also been some hits from Slovenia, Iran, India, and Singapore over the 13½ month period that this blog has been up. This is really encouraging news and it is a sign that at least somebody is paying attention. Keep it up.

This one-child thing needs to stop

China's population is aging rapidly, their government said today, though its leaders are refusing to relax strict family planning controls that are part of the cause. Also, the Chinese have been able to stop foot-binding but they haven't stopped dumping unwanted baby girls, and those autocrats at the top of the heap seriously need to make some changes - a good compromise may be to let couples have a second child if their first one is a girl, and if there are twins, they should be allowed to keep both. Amy Chua may be a horrible parent to her children but even she wouldn't abort either of them simply because they're girls. In fact, she has three younger sisters and none of them were aborted on account of their gender.

Who needs earthquakes?

Consumers got a different sort of jolt this week with news that the price of coffee was hovering near US$3 a pound, the highest price in more than three decades, forcing many coffee houses to consider raising prices or cutting services. This has obviously been brought on by bad weather in some of the world's top coffee-producing regions, but the price increases are just unnecessary. They could always find some other place to grow coffee, maybe an uninhabited island somewhere in the Carribbean or maybe Tahiti could claim Pitcairn Island for itself, hang all the child-molesters, evacuate the other 40 or so inhabitants, and then have the whole place overrun with coffee bushes. It's just a matter of finding somewhere good enough for a plantation.

And they call it HUMANCENTiPAD

That's the season premiere of South Park, which is set to air in the USA and Canada on the 27th at 10pm Eastern and Pacific (9pm elsewhere). I thought the episode would finally stick it to Amy Chua's parenting style, which is of the "don't try this at home" variety, what with all the forced piano and violin practice, insults along the lines of "garbage" and "worthless" if so much as an A minus is brought home (come on guys, even D is still a passing grade in the States), and the threats of burning stuffed animals or donating dollhouses to the Salvation Army. But instead, they chose to do a mash-up of the iPad and the movie The Human Centipede. Maybe they'll bring down Amy Chua's "tiger" parenting in the next episode.

Everton get burnt at Old Trafford

Yesterday morning's Man United versus Everton clash ended with the only acceptable outcome - Man United totally pwning those bellends. The final score was 1-0 to the Reds, with the goal scored in the closing minutes by Javier Hernandez, and 3 players were booked.

Hope you guys are enjoying Easter

Too bad Easter's not on roughly the same date every year. And to make matters worse for workers in New Zealand, Easter Monday is on the same date as ANZAC Day this year and our stingy government are not man enough to ask of employers that their employees be given separate days off for both holidays like in Australia. This, along with some unusual sporting code associated with Melbourne, the overall lower tax rates (for instance, 10% GST compared to our 15%), and the warmer climate, is why those cheating, underarm-bowling, descendants of British convicts are attracting Kiwis over to the Dark Side. Unless our tax rates come way down and our workforce gets a way better deal, then this exodus will continue for a long, long time to come.

It's time to retreat, Mr. Gaddafi

Libyan troops captured by rebels in Misrata said the army has been ordered to retreat from the besieged port, marking a possible shift in a two-month revolt against Gaddafi. But one city isn't enough - the rebels really need to go all out if they are to win against that scumbag. Gaddafi has been in power for 42 years, and that's 42 years too long when it comes to nutjobs like him.

Elsewhere in the Arab world, clashes in Syria have resulted in several deaths, and Tripoli has been bombed.

Happy Easter, everybody

I hope the Easter Bunny leaves you lots of chocolate eggs and your teeth don't rot from all the sugar.

Big Brother is watching... well, not exactly

Researchers Pete Warden and Alasdair Allan have discovered that iPhones and 3G iPads regularly record your position into a hidden file. Ever since you upgraded to iOS 4, your device has been storing a long list of latitude-longitude coordinates and timestamps. The presence of this data on your iPhone, your iPad, and your backups could have some serious privacy implications, and to make matters worse, the file with said data is unencrypted and unprotected, and it's also on any machine you've synced with your iOS device. If your device is stolen, the perpetrator can jailbreak it and easily access the file in question (called consolidated.db), and will be able to see where you've been over the last year, since iOS 4 was released. This is a very big security concern indeed, and unless Apple have a good reason for collecting this data, they should fix this in some way, maybe encrypt the file on the next iOS release.

United they stand, united they fall

This morning’s Man United v Newcastle United clash at St James Park was rather uneventful with no goals, however, four bellends were booked.

Here's a true rebel without a cause

Baltimore County police charged a 13-year-old boy Sunday night after Maryland State Police on a training mission reported being hit by a laser beam while in flight. The bellend was charged as a juvenile with reckless endangerment and laser pointer misuse. He was released into the custody of his parents, which is a bad mistake on the part of the police force because using laser pointers on aircraft can be extremely dangerous and cause blindness in the pilots, as well as crashes. A night in juvenile hall would've really set that nutjob straight because this sort of carry-on might be all fun and games when you're too young to smoke or drink or use a firearm, but not if you end up causing a crash. If I were that kid's father, I would've brought him to the police station myself.

Meat salad, yummy yummy

Yummy yummy yummy yummy meat salad! Yes, that's right. Some guy on YouTube finally has the guts to challenge Jamie Oliver and his awful-tasting school dinners, and the meat "salad" isn't the only one of their artery-clogging recipes. Check out their unhealthy recipe here.

Don't deny it, he supplied it

Evidence is mounting that Libyan Government forces are using banned cluster bombs against rebels and civilians despite denials by Colonel Gaddafi's spokesman. This new development concerns a war crime and if cluster bombs are in fact being used, that scumbag should be brought before the International Criminal Court in The Hague and possibly executed. Those weapons are banned by the Convention on Cluster Munitions and should never have been used against the rebels, or anyone for that matter (except Kim Jong-Il).

Get outta my pub!

Two gay men say their first-date kiss got them thrown out of the John Snow pub. Jonathan Williams says he and his date, James Bull, were asked to leave after sharing what they described as a "hands-on-the-table" kiss at the pub in Soho, which is normally known as one of London's gay-friendliest neighbourhoods. Anger snowballed after Williams tweeted about the incident late Wednesday, and within 24 hours, the story was on the front page of Britain's Guardian newspaper and the pair were describing their ordeal on national radio. This sort of discriminatory behaviour is stupid, especially for a pub which is in a nominally gay-friendly part of London, and the bellends in charge of the pub need to either go with the flow or relocate, possibly to some hick town in Texas where their puritanical and narrow-minded views will be shared by most of the townspeople.

FOUR HUNDRED POSTS TODAY

And now for something that doesn't make sense

To those New Zealanders who download films, music and television from the internet: beware – you could be getting a note in the mail. A new law was passed 111 votes to 11 in Parliament this morning and as a result, copyright holders can now complain about specific users downloading their material. Three warnings and it’s off to a tribunal, where you can be fined up to $15,000 – unless you can prove yourself innocent. But this is just horrible. Laws holding people guilty until they can prove themselves innocent are the first sign that a country is turning into North Korea. The laws are just stupid and I will continue downloading pirated music and movies because it's a lot cheaper and besides, once you become famous, the public owns you for life. Just because Limewire was shut down last year by those bullies working for the RIAA doesn't mean you can't get your fill, so keep looking around.

Bye bye, burqas

France (home to Europe's biggest Muslim population) has officially banned women from wearing full-face veils (for instance, the burqa and the niqab) in public places. Other European countries have drawn up bans on the full-face veils but France is the first to risk stirring social tensions by actually putting one into practice. But the burqa isn't really necessary because it's actually more a part of cultural heritage than religious practice, and only around 2,000 women, from a total French Muslim population estimated at between four and six million, wear the full-face veils that are traditional in parts of Arabia and South Asia. The ban does not extend to head coverings that still show the face, and I think this ban is only fair because if even non-Muslim women have to wear head coverings in certain Arab countries, then those coverings can be banned in the West.

Almost 400 posts

And I've checked the blog's stats: we've had a rather international audience with readers coming here from Australia, Singapore, Colombia, France, the USA, Canada, China, Malaysia, Egypt, Russia, Belarus, the UK, Germany, and South Korea, among many other countries. Keep up the support, and especially keep away from Amy Chua's bad parenting.

Fulham aren't so full of themselves now

Excuse the pun, but Fulham got burnt yesterday morning in the face of none other than Manchester United, who beat them 2-0 at Old Trafford. The goals were scored by Dimitar Berbatov and Antonio Valencia, and nobody got booked.

Crucify this, Mr. Party Secretary

Hundreds of Chinese police scrambled to prevent a planned outdoor service by a "homeless" church today, shoving people into vans and buses in the latest show of the Communist Party's determination to smother dissent and protests. The Shouwang Church, a Protestant group with about 1,000 members, had urged members to gather for the outdoor service after they said official pressure forced the church out of a place of worship it had been renting. But hundreds of police officers covered the area in the Zhongguancun commercial district, where the Shouwang Church had planned to worship, deterring any effort by church members and supporters to gather for the morning service. This blatant and egregious disrespect of human rights is not on. Amy Chua hypothesised in her 2007 bestseller Day of Empire that the great empires and hyperpowers all rose because there was tolerance of ethnic divisions, and if that bad parent is right, then China is likely to fall apart like most of the Arab nations are right now due to this blatant disrespect for religious belief and freedom of peaceable assembly.

Consider the shutdown shut down

Congressional leaders reached a last-gasp agreement yesterday to avert a shutdown of the federal government, after days of haggling and tense hours of brinksmanship. Under the deal, the Republicans won budget cuts of $38.5 billion for the remaining six months of the fiscal year, far more than either party had expected a few months ago. Democrats managed to hold off Republican demands to strip funding for the new health-care law and for a range of other Democratic priorities, and provisions to cut all federal funding to Planned Parenthood of America and National Public Radio also were dropped. They could've done more, but at least there's not going to be a shutdown like there was in 1995.

Kiwi ingenuity makes life easier once again

Forget No. 8 wire and the disposable syringe - Master Brewer Ian Williams claims to have unlocked the secret to faster home-brewed beer, unveiling in Auckland this afternoon the world’s first Personal Brewer. The hi-tech brewer takes seven days from start to finish – a quarter the time of traditional brewers – and promises 23 litres of commercial standard beer that maintains its tap-fresh taste years longer than household brands.

Now it's time to take Tripoli

New advances have led Libyan rebels to regain ground, on the oil port of Brega yesterday, after Gaddafi's forces retreated. They've recovered mostly desert terrain which was lost in a pell-mell retreat from superior government firepower the day before. An oil port is a huge advantage for the rebels, but now they need to take Tripoli because taking the capital will really stick it to Gaddafi, who is becoming a rather unpopular man throughout the Arab world.

How's this yawn for "technicolour"?

Last night, I watched that episode of The Cleveland Show where they went to Hawaii. In one scene, Donna Tubbs (Cleveland’s wife) was seen vomiting what appeared to be red, yellow, and blue stripes (which, in the reverse order, are the same colours as the Romanian flag). OK, so Romania may have Dracula and Nicolae Ceausescu, but they also have actual gymnastic talent there (for instance, Nadia Comaneci), they also had quite a few of the greats when it comes to arts and literature (Mihai Eminescu and Constantin Brancusi come to mind), their national rugby team has made it to every single Rugby World Cup, and a Palme d’Or-winning director also hails from there (Cristian Mungiu with 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days). So don’t just reject certain countries by puking out their flags. Only Amy Chua's super-strict "Chinese" parenting methods should be rejected like that.

New Zealand's gone soft

Kiwi rugby fans are less confident the All Blacks will win the Rugby World Cup this year than they were in 2003 when it was hosted by Australia, a UMR research poll has found. The results are from a nationwide poll and from answers to the same questions asked in 2003. But this is just stupid. The only time New Zealand has won the William Webb Ellis trophy was in 1987, when, quite ironically, the game was played at Eden Park. But if the All Blacks and the Springboks both make it to the final, then I hope it's South Africa that come down with food poisoning this time round.

Whoa! Double Down! What does it mean?

The Double Down is a controversial new "sandwich" that KFC are bringing to New Zealand next month. The new "sandwich" has bacon, cheese, and a "secret sauce" in between two Original Recipe fillets (no bread - great for those with the likes of coeliac disease) and it's a terrible nutritional choice for anyone, and those most likely to eat it are already at risk from obesity and unhealthy diet habits. The "sandwich" contains 32g of fat and 1380mg of sodium, and at 540 calories, would take up about a third of the average person's calorie intake per day, without providing essential nutrients.

4 in 20 minutes baked in a win

That describes a 20-minute period late in this morning's Man United versus West Ham clash at Upton Park in which Man U went from a 2-0 deficit to a 4-2 win. West Ham's goals were both scored by Mark Noble, and Man U's goals were made up of a hat-trick by Wayne Rooney, and then a single by Javier Hernandez. Three yellow cards were shown all up.

I thought that bellend wasn't going to burn a Koran

When you're scared of something different, it's best to try it because then you might like it. But not like Terry Jones did: the Florida-based pastor held a self-styled mock trial of the Koran last month in which he presided from the pulpit as judge. The prosecutor was a Christian who had converted from Islam, and an imam from Dallas defended the Koran. After listening to arguments from both sides, the jury (consisting of 12 members of Mr. Jones’s church, the Dove World Outreach Center) pronounced the Koran guilty of five “crimes against humanity,” including the promotion of terrorist acts and “the death, rape, and torture of people worldwide whose only crime is not being of the Islamic faith.” In a statement today, Mr. Jones demanded that the United States and United Nations take “immediate action” against Muslim nations in retaliation for the deaths, and that the time had come to hold Islam accountable. This is not the right way to handle the differences between religions. At least that bellend was decent enough to hold a trial before burning a Koran, but next time, I'd recommend, among other things, a more impartial jury.

CAUTION: dihydrogen monoxide about!

Dihydrogen monoxide is a very nasty chemical in, for example, our water. Stay away because dihydrogen monoxide:
*is called "hydroxyl acid", the substance is the major component of acid rain.
*contributes to the "greenhouse effect".
*may cause severe burns.
*is fatal if inhaled.
*contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
*accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
*may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
*has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
*as an industrial solvent and coolant.
*in nuclear power plants.
*in the production of Styrofoam.
*as a fire retardant.
*in many forms of cruel animal research.
*in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
*as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
*by sportspeople as a performance-enhancing drug.
*by the CIA and the FBI during interrogations.

Let's finish the month off with bellend, book, and candle

We don't have a book or a candle, but we do have a Bellend of the Month for March 2011: Gregory Meads. The horse trainer from the New Zealand town of Matamata shot his wife in the neck at close range, killing her instantly. Today his stepdaughter Kimberly White looked him in the eye and told him exactly what she thought of him: "You took my mum away from me and for that I will never forgive you," she said in court. "I hope you rot in hell." I also hope that bellend rots in hell, but for now, he'll rot in the slammer for at least the next 11 years.

The US said they're open to arming Libya's rebels

And they'd better do it because Gaddafi is officially worse than Amy Chua.

Marylanders no longer need to whine

That's because a measure that allows wineries to ship directly to Maryland residents has been passed in the state Senate. The Senate voted 45-0 last night in favor of the legislation. The House of Delegates approved a similar bill on Saturday. But seriously, this isn't much to whine about (excuse the pun).

Just spare me the details

MyFone was launched this week by two bellends named Sally Rae and Steve Herstell, who created the website after becoming concerned about bad cyberspace behaviour. It is a new cellphone product that allows parents to track their children and check their text messages, and it amounts to spying. To use it, just sign up your child's cellphone number and then it'll send you an email so you can see any calls or texts made to and from the phone. However, because this software is nothing but a blatant violation of childrens' rights, I am not going to put up a link to the website, nor am I going to be a part of this culture of mistrust. The system is well-meaning, but it is counterproductive and could detract from good parenting (sorry if I'm stating the obvious but so does Amy Chua). Instead, have open and frank conversations about this sort of thing with your kids. If you're going to buy cellphones for your children, talk about what that means, talk about how they use it. The most important thing is that parents continue to talk with their children, build the right sort of relationship and give them the support and the encouragement to come to them if they have issues. So don't get MyFone - it's akin to spying, and it will build walls between parents and their children, because parents who sign on to that rubbish risk their children becoming resentful and more devious in the way they communicate.

That's a right kosher pickle

Yeshai Kutoff was house-proud, having bought a home in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, for his family of five. And as an Orthodox Jew, he bought push-button locks for the doors — an accommodation for the Sabbath, when many of the devout do not carry keys. But a neighbor soon told him that the locks he had bought could be opened by a powerful magnet costing about $30. It would obviously bother me if I had a lock like that and other people could easily figure it out, and Mr. Kutoff did not buy a magnet to see for himself because it obviously doesn’t interest him to know how to break into his own house. And besides, the Sabbath prohibition on doing work would obviously extend to a push-button system like Mr. Kutoff's, so I think both issues could have been better accommodated by using something like a retinal scanning system which would automatically open the door if everything checked out with no input from any family member.

This is getting to be a weighty problem

A 17-year-old beauty queen who claimed pageant organizers harassed her about her weight before stripping her of the Miss San Antonio title has won her courtroom fight to get it back. The teenager, whose name is Domonique Ramirez, claimed she was unfairly booted in January after pageant officials accused her of gaining weight and told her to "get off the tacos." Those bellends in charge of the pageant need to take a good look at themselves because they are putting way too much pressure on models to stay skinny, and Miss Ramirez did the right thing by not buckling under said pressure. And besides, I may eat junk food almost every day but the main thing is that I'm still alive, and even if you never, ever touch the stuff, everybody will die of something at some point in their lives.

Way to spice up your life

Facebook users have been re-arranging spices on supermarket shelves to spell out rude words. I don't see too much of a problem with this as long as nothing goes missing from the shop, but the game - dubbed Supermarket Scrabble - drives store staff mad as they have to hurriedly re-arrange the letters to remove the rude words and get things back in order, so think before you rearrange.

Gaddafi seriously needs to go

Last week, the United Nations Security Council passed Resolution 1973, authorising the international community to take “all necessary measures” to protect civilian areas from assault by Libyan forces, while “excluding a foreign occupation force of any form on any part of Libyan territory”. I'm sorry, but foreign occupation is necessary (case in point: Adolf Hitler and Saddam Hussein were both removed from power by foreign occupation) to get rid of Gaddafi. The future has no place for him whatsoever.

Oops, Brown did it again

Chris Brown turned violent on the "Good Morning America" show in New York City. Apparently Brown was on the show to promote the release of his latest album "F.A.M.E." but he became too uncomfortable when the questions continually diverted away from his album and onto his infamous physical altercation with ex-girlfriend Rihanna. An agitated Brown tried to deflect the questions and said: "I'm past that in my life." We are all past that (maybe except for Rihanna) and I don't blame him for not wanting to bring that ugly business up, because the incident, for which the Virginia-born singer is on probation, was 2009's news and should not have been brought up on the show - instead, the host should've just stuck to questions about Brown's new album, which I hope sells well.

Just use the same procedure as every kid when it comes to preschools

Nicole Imprescia is suing York Avenue Preschool, a private preschool in New York, for US$19,000 claiming that they may have damaged her four-year-old daughter Luscia's chances of getting into an elite private school. The mother says that she enrolled her daughter at the school based on its promise to prepare students for the ERB test, which is used to place children into elite elementary schools. Instead, the lawsuit claims, York Avenue Preschool placed her daughter in what she calls a-two-year-old's learning environment, where the kid was taught about shapes and colours. Luscia was placed in what I find to be an appropriate learning environment for kids her age, and I would not sue a kindergarten or preschool just for letting children be children. That bellend is obviously out of her mind and quite possibly never learnt anything from the whole Amy Chua nonsense.

Egypt will be back... and better than ever!

Egyptian voters voted in a referendum for constitutional changes, and the results have shown that the people favour the proposed changes, which include tightening the rules as to who can and can't run, and imposing a limit of two four-year terms - this means that no one person will be able to run Egypt in the ground like Mubarak did.

Berba had it in for Bolton

Man United ended a two-game losing streak by beating Bolton 1-0 this morning at Old Trafford with a late goal by Dimitar Berbatov. A yellow card was shown to one of Bolton's side and Man U finished with just ten players on the field after Jonny Evans got red-carded.

Good name for a satellite

The MErcury Surface, Space ENvironment, GEochemistry and Ranging (MESSENGER) probe has just gone into orbit around Mercury. I think Messenger's the perfect name for the satellite because in Roman and Greek mythology, Mercury (or Hermes as the Greeks put it) was the messenger of the gods. The probe's next mission should be to actually get past the thick clouds of sulfuric acid that constitute the upper layers of Venus's atmosphere, and get some pictures of the surface.

Seriously, what's a few more potential candidates for President?

One thing that is true is that one of the constitutional requirements for the office of US President is that you have to be a natural-born citizen of the US, and this means that you have to have been born in the States, or to at least one parent with American citizenship. Another thing that is true is that if you give birth in the States, even if you snuck in just for the big day, then your kid is automatically a US citizen. But there are two bills in the Arizona state legislature, one intending to force a Supreme Court ruling against automatic citizenship for U.S.-born children of illegal immigrants, and another to require schools to file reports on enrollments of illegal immigrant students, and both have been defeated. I might not be too big a fan of illegal immigration but the Constitution is pretty clear on this: if you give birth on US soil, even if you snuck in on a flimsy raft, then your child is a natural-born citizen of the United States, and he or she has fulfilled one of the constitutional requirements for the office of President (to the best of my knowledge, the others are not being a convicted felon, being at least 35, having resided in America for at least 14 years of your life, and not already having served two terms).

I now pronounce you man and husband

Democrats introduced legislation in both houses of Congress yesterday to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act, the 1996 law barring the federal government from recognizing legal same-sex marriages. The time has come for the federal government to recognize that every American family deserves all of the legal protections afforded to couples who are married under state law, and the Justice Department have decided they're no longer defending that stupid and narrow-minded piece of legislation against court challenges. Every loving, committed couple deserves the basic human right to get married, start a family, and have access to all the same rights and privileges that a heterosexual couple enjoys, and the new legislation, known as the Respect for Marriage Act, will just be another step in the right direction.

OK so he was passing military secrets on to Wikileaks

But the United States still can't just hold Bradley Manning in such inhuman conditions. The US Army private is currently kept in chains as though he were a wild animal. The harsh conditions of Manning's imprisonment – untried and unconvicted – have been causing growing concern, because what is being done to Bradley Manning is ridiculous and counterproductive, and stupid on the part of the Department of Defense. Those bellends need to get their act together because this is just like a typical day in Amy Chua's household.

I can't think of a title for this post

Some bellends can be quite selfish when it comes to helping out during natural disasters. For instance, some people sent checks for their credit card bills just before the earthquake struck Christchurch last month and the checks could not reach the banks on time because postal services had been cut off, and now those thoughtless nutjobs at the banks have struck their customers with late fees. There were genuine reasons for the credit card payments to have not made it to the bank on time, what with the post and the banking services both being down in the days following the quake. One of the banks that is an exception to this selfish and unethical practice is BNZ, who my credit card is with, and they have decided that none of their credit card holders in Christchurch will be charged late fees for any reason until September.

Don't really have that much to write about tonight

But it is Pi Day (3/14 if you write dates the American way) today.

Third and final Yogi Award for 2011

It goes to Alex Ferguson, who has been smarter than the average soccer team manager in that despite two consecutive Premier League losses, Manchester United beat Arsenal 2-0 in their FA Cup clash at Old Trafford. Anyone can make the right adjustments to turn the entire squad around, and it looks like Ferguson's cracked it. I hope he uses the same lineup against Bolton next week.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!

And a second Yogi Award to present: those cheapskates at Westpac may be reducing the Westie Pac's join-up bonus from $40 to $30 but they are still smarter than the average bank - that's because they kept that awful mullet off their latest ad. That whole Amy Chua business with her Wall Street Journal essay back in January was actually a welcome break from that stupid hairdo. The Westie Pac ad can be seen on the left.

We turn one tomorrow

So let's forget about today's earthquake for a minute and present the first of three Yogi Awards - to earn one, you have to have been smarter than the average over the past twelve months.

Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck was smarter than the average director this year. In his film The Tourist, he had Johnny Depp's character smoke an e-cigarette in one scene. Overall, I am OK with the OFLC's M rating because smoking cessation products like electronic cigarettes may well be good at helping smokers kick their filthy habit once and for all. While tobacco companies will continue to find a way to push their product, we can decide to not be a part of their campaign of filth. And also, great choice of music for the end.

Two days to go

And then we're 1.

Whoa! Double output all the way! It's so intense!

Marathon Oil Corp. said yesterday that it hopes to more than double oil output from an Alberta oil sands project in the near future. Currently, Marathon, together with partners Shell and Chevron, produces about 155,000 barrels a day at the Athabasca oil sands project, a venture to extract a thick and high-sulfur crude from Canada's oil-rich sands. They have a plan to get more oil, and potentially more money, but there are also pollutants to consider. Of course there's carbon monoxide and all that horrible stuff, but they should also get rid of all the sulfur because once the crude oil, or one of its derivatives, is combusted in whatever machines need it, the sulfur will react with oxygen to produce sulfur dioxide (SO2), and once this reacts with trace amounts of hydrogen peroxide (H2O2) or water vapour and atomic oxygen (H2O + O) in our atmosphere, this will constitute sulfuric acid (SO2 + H2O2 = SO2 + H2O + O = H2SO4), which is a major active component of acid rain. Think about that when filling up your tank.

Man United barely hanging onto top after second successive loss

Yesterday morning at Anfield, Liverpool beat Man United 3-1. Liverpool’s goals were thanks to a hat-trick by Dirk Kuyt and Javier Hernandez scored for Man U in stoppage time. Five yellow cards were shown to various bellends throughout the game.

Happy 21st, Abby and Brittany

These two girls may look to you like a two-headed freak of nature, but they turn 21 today, and their appearance as a "two-headed freak of nature" is due to them being dicephalic parapagus twins (meaning that they are conjoined twins of whom each has a separate head, but whose bodies are joined). They are highly symmetric, giving the appearance of having just a single body with little variation from normal proportion. In fact, several vital organs are doubled up, with each woman having a separate heart, stomach, spine, and spinal cord. If you're wondering how the two of them can walk with one leg each, they just take turns moving each leg. So happy birthday, Abigail and Brittany Hensel. At least your survival into adulthood will take many parenting experts' minds off this whole Amy Chua thing (if only briefly).

And then there were 27

North Korea has demanded that South Korea immediately return 31 North Koreans who accidentally crossed over into South Korean waters on a fishing boat, even though the South says four of them have decided to defect. The other 27 should defect as well if North Korea are going to keep up their atrocious track record of human rights abuses. I hope the protests in the Arab world stir something up in that communist wasteland.

We're turning one in a week's time

That rhymes.

It's good for babies so why not big kids or adults?

A shop in the UK has been shut down by local authorities because it's selling ice cream made from breast milk. Babies drink it for their first year or two so it's got to be good for older human beings. Most people would've had breast milk before so how yucky could it be? And besides, they pasteurise the milk, making it totally safe. Closing down a store because of foods made from human breast milk is a complete overreaction.

Only a fair ruling is a good ruling

According to Bart Simpson's writings on the chalkboard at the beginning of one episode of the Simpsons, the First Amendment "does not cover burping." However, ruling in a case that pressed the outer limits of free speech, the Supreme Court on Wednesday said that even anti-gay protesters who picketed the funerals of U.S. troops with signs reading, "Thank God for Dead Soldiers," cannot be sued. This is the worst to come from the Eastern United States since Amy Chua admitted to being a horrible parent. Those eight Supreme Court Justices who ruled in favour of the Westboro Baptist Church have absolutely no common sense, and speaking of Amy Chua, she is the only thing those bellends are any better than. But any Supreme Court ruling can be overturned by another ruling or a Constitutional amendment, so a Congressman with any sense would be proposing an amendment to the Constitution to stop those religious wackos from picketing funerals so the survivors can be left to mourn in peace.

Reds seem to have encountered a red light

In a déjà vu of the Wolves game last month, Man United suffered another 2-1 away loss this morning at Stamford Bridge. Chelsea’s goals were scored by David Luiz and Frank Lampard, and Man United’s goal was scored by Wayne Rooney. Five players were booked, and of those five, Nemanja Vidic was booked again and subsequently sent off.

This blog is turning one this month

Just give it a few more days.