Tetraphobia seems to rule South Africa

Tetraphobia is a well-known fear in Asia but I think it might be creeping in among the Springboks. This is mostly based on the fact that the Bok in the #4 jersey (even though it was a different person each time) was sin-binned early in the first half of both tests against the All Blacks. And in both matches, the All Blacks scored exactly four tries. It's a shame the try isn't worth four points anymore (it still is in league, however) because that would be a third four against the Boks.

WE BEAT THE BOKS AGAIN

The end is nigh for Bakkies Botha and his Tri-Nations appearances for 2010 and the end seems to be nigh for the famous Ka Mate haka – it’s the controversial Kapa O Pango all the way now.

Even though Botha’s on suspension for headbutting Jimmy Cowan, the #4 jersey was again sin-binned in the first half, this time it was Danie Rossouw who kicked Richie McCaw in the 4th minute. Tries were scored for the All Blacks by Ma’a Nonu, Mils Muliaina, Rene Ranger, and Israel Dagg, of which only the last was converted by Dan Carter. Dan Carter missed his first three shots on goal, but was able to redeem himself from the 30th minute onwards with two penalties and a conversion. Piri Weepu scored a penalty as well. For the Springboks, however, it wasn’t coming up roses: Danie Roussouw and Schalk Burger scored tries, both of which Morne Steyn successfully converted. Morne Steyn also scored a penalty. Final score was 31-17 to the All Blacks.

Second Tri-Nations test starts tomorrow

Scores will be up as soon as I get round to watching it.

Switzerland are definitely doing the right thing here

Roman Polanski is currently wanted on charges of unlawful sexual conduct with a minor, and the Swiss government have decided not to extradite him back to the States. That is a good move because I believe that it is completely unethical to extradite anybody to a country that uses the death penalty, and also because he has had a successful career making movies and should not be judged simply on deflowering a teenage girl back in 1977. That guy has won several Oscars for his work over the years and a few years ago, while he was living in France, won £50,000 in a libel suit against Vanity Fair (which is published in America) in a British courtroom.

This blog ain't just for sports results

So until the next Tri-Nations test, in which the All Blacks will be able to breathe easier now that Bakkies Botha won't be there to carry out his usual on-field shenanigans, the billboards of Dunedin and the world news will return to their rightful spot as my primary targets, but not for long - the ITM Cup will soon be next on the menu with seven more games of rugby a week.

I don't know what will sink in faster

Will it be Netherlands' third finals defeat out of three or will it be Spain winning the final on their first shot? Or will it be the fact that I lost a $100 bet because the match went into extra time? Or will it be the fact that an unprecedented 13 players got booked throughout the match? Or will it be the fact that the vuvuzelas have been put away for four years and everybody can get some rest?

VIVA LA ESPANA!

Uruguay were dished another 3-2 loss, this time at the hands of Germany. There have been some quick bookings throughout the tournament and Dennis Aogo is no exception; he received the first booking of the match in the 5th minute. Cacau was next in the book, receiving his yellow card for a handball two minutes later. Further bookings, both dished out in the second half, went to Diego Perez and Arne Friedrich. Thomas Muller, Edinson Cavani, Diego Forlan, Marcell Jansen, and Sami Khedira all scored one goal apiece. I think the third-place playoff should be for the third place in a three-team final where each team plays two of three 45-minute periods.

Then, it was time to catch that Tri-Nations test. Bakkies Botha, whose poor discipline record over the years has made him rugby’s answer to Zinedine Zidane, was lucky to escape punishment for headbutting the back of Jimmy Cowan’s head in the second minute, but was sin-binned in the 13th minute for a “professional foul”. Morne Steyn kicked four penalties for the Springboks (the second of which gave him his 200th point for the Boks), and for the All Blacks, in addition to three conversions and two penalties from Dan Carter, there were tries scored by Conrad Smith, Ma’a Nonu, Kieran Read, and Tony Woodcock. Final score was 32-12 to the All Blacks. A judiciary later reviewed Botha’s headbutt and now he is suspended for the rest of the Tri-Nations.

And then came the big moment – Netherlands and Spain took to the field for the first ever World Cup final between two monarchies. A record 13 players were booked, one of them (John Heitinga) was booked again and subsequently sent off. Andres Iniesta scored the only goal of the match in extra time, causing Spain to win 1-0.

Got a $100 bet on the final

According to TAB, the odds of the game not going into extra time are 1.28:1. This means that if the game doesn't go into extra time, then I will get $128 back on the $100. I haven't yet watched the third-place playoff so I'll be doing that before worrying about my bet.

Starting tomorrow, it will all be decided...

Can Germany regain some honour and secure back-to-back third place finishes? Will Netherlands finally be able to win a final? Or will the word "guns" end up being a mnemonic for the order the top four finished in?

120 POSTS TODAY

And a Tri-Nations rugby match to hopefully be able to post the results and discipline of tomorrow, and the third-place playoff between Uruguay and Germany the next day, and the final between Netherlands and Spain the day after that. And after 17 long weeks, I'm finally typing up the post on a Mac.

Netherlands vs Spain: Who will win their first title ever?

For the second time in a row, it's an all-European final. But this time, it will also have two nations who have never won the World Cup before. Spain beat Germany 1-0 to make it to their first final ever, with Carles Puyol's 73rd-minute header signing, sealing, and delivering Germany into either third or fourth place. This match is only the second in the tournament in which nobody got booked or sent off. I did say that the vuvuzelas tend to get louder as the game progresses but it feels like they're getting louder as the tournament progresses.

Uruguay's 7/7 is on its way

The Netherlands claimed three trains and one bus, one train for each goal scored by Netherlands and one bus for each goal that Uruguay still needed for a tied game. There were five wounded but no deaths.

If you want the results without the somewhat off-colour references to events that happened five years ago, Netherlands beat Uruguay 3-2. Five players were booked: Maxi Pereira, Martin Caceres, Wesley Sneijder, Khalid Boulahrouz, and Mark van Bommel. Goal scorers were Giovanni van Bronckhorst, Diego Forlan, Wesley Sneijder, Arjen Robben, and Maxi Pereira.

Semifinals start soon

From a pool of 32 nations, only four remain: Uruguay who have won the World Cup twice but never the current trophy, Germany who have won three times as West Germany but never as Germany, Netherlands who have never won, or Spain who have also never won. Germany could come away with back-to-back bronze medals, or Netherlands could make it to the final and lose just like in 1974 and 1978, or somebody could get sent off for headbutting.

It's all coming up roses for Klose... so far

That's right, it was Miroslav Klose's 100th appearance for Germany. The Polish-born striker has been red-carded in this tournament and he has served his one-match ban but he's been able to make it to one hundred caps, and he is responsible for two of the goals that were scored in a 4-0 defeat of Argentina that German chancellor Angela Merkel was watching. The other two came from Thomas Muller and Arne Friedrich. An equalizer in the 37th minute was disallowed due to several players being offside. Yellow cards went to Nicolas Otamendi, Thomas Muller, and Javier Mescherano.

Paraguay and Spain were next in the ring (actually it's a rectangle). The only goal in the match was the one that David Villa scored for Spain. The yellow card was shown to the following players: Gerard Pique, Antolin Alcaraz, Victor Caceres, Sergio Busquets, Claudio Morel, and Jonathan Santana.

Uruguay on the fast track to their first World Cup win in 60 years

The hosts are gone, the defending champions are gone, and even the team with the #1 world ranking is gone. And Ghana is the first scalp that the South American dominance has claimed but it could their last because Brazil has already been defeated and Argentina and Paraguay haven't always been at the top of their game over the course of the tournament - we held the latter to a draw and it could have been us in the quarterfinals if we'd just scored that elusive goal, even using our hand if we need to.

Now back to the match at hand: Jorge Fucile will not be in the semis because he received his second booking of the tournament in the 20th minute. More importantly, anyone who gets a yellow card in the semis won't be facing suspension from the final unless they get booked again in the same match. Just before halftime, Sulley Muntari scored for Ghana but Diego Forlan answered the goal in the second half during which Egidio Arevalo, John Paintsil, Diego Perez, and Hans Sarpei also received bookings. The game went to a scoreless extra time during which John Mensah got booked and Luis Suarez got a straight red card. Uruguay won the penalty shootout 4-2.

I feel sorry for Felipe Melo

And why should I feel sorry for a Brazilian? Because he is probably the most hated man over there right about now, and he could probably get shot over the own goal he scored or his sending off 20 minutes later. But here's how the game panned out.

Despite Robinho scoring for Brazil early in the game, Brazil couldn't keep up their impressive run and they conceded an own goal scored by Felipe Melo, and a regular goal scored by Wesley Sneijder. The first to get booked was John Heitinga. Next to get a caution was Michel Bastos. Gregory van der Wiel was next in line for a caution and because it was his second, he won't be involved in their semifinal against either Uruguay or Ghana and neither will Nigel de Jong. Andre Ooijer got booked for timewasting. Felipe Melo was red-carded in the 73rd minute for a stamp on Arjen Robben.

Tomorrow, we'll see if Ghana can't dish out another upset.

Quarterfinal matches start soon

Will there be soccer? Yes. Will there be vuvuzelas? Yes. Will there be one previous champion in the semis? Yes. Will there be a team that hasn't yet won the final in the semis? Yes. Will there be yellow and red cards? I hope not.

FIFA 2010 - the story so far

TEAMS STILL IN THE RUNNING: Uruguay, Ghana, Netherlands, Brazil, Argentina, Germany, Paraguay, Spain
TOTAL YELLOW CARDS: 218
TOTAL RED CARDS: 14
MATCHES THAT WENT WITH NO BOOKINGS: North Korea versus Cote d'Ivoire
MOST CARDS IN ONE MATCH: 9 yellows and 1 red in the Chile versus Switzerland match
PLAYERS WHO WILL MISS THEIR QUARTERFINAL DUE TO SUSPENSION: Ramires, Jonathan Mensah, Andre Ayew

BRAZIL MADE IT THROUGH!

Brazil and Chile are two nations that have between them five World Cup victories (all going to Brazil) and have each hosted one past tournament, but neither have won it on their home soil while all other previous champions, with the exception of Germany, won their first (or only in the case of England and France) while hosting. And Brazil shares with Italy the distinction of winning two consecutive championships, in both cases they were their first two. And Brazil's second victory was in Chile.

Flash-forward to 2010 in South Africa: besides the drone of the vuvuzelas, several corners and free kicks, and a suspected handball which the ref just ignored and said to play on, the match was uneventful until Kaka, who is back from suspension, got yellow-carded in the 30th minute. Arturo Vidal, Ismael Fuentes, and Rodrigo Millar, who are also not sitting on a yellow, were booked in the second half. Ramires, on the other hand, got his second booking of the tournament in the 71st minute and won't be in their next game. Juan, Luis Fabiano, and Robinho scored one goal each for Brazil, taking the competition out 3-0.

Then, Paraguay and Japan both tried for their first quarterfinals ever. The score was 0-0 even after extra time, requiring a penalty shootout. I think corners and bookings should be used as tiebreakers before doing a penalty shootout. And speaking of bookings, nobody received a yellow card until Daisuke Matsui in the 57th minute. Further cautions went to Yuto Nagatomo, Keisuke Honda, Yasuhito Endo, and Christian Riveros. Most of the booked players received their yellow cards for handballs. Paraguay won the shootout 5-3.

Then came the battle of the Iberian Peninsula when Euro 2004 hosts Portugal took on Euro 2008 champions Spain. The first hour was rather uneventful but the last 30 minutes are where all the action took place: Xabi Alonso received the first booking for any Spanish player during the tournament, Tiago received his second booking of the tournament, one straight red was given out to Ricardo Costa, and a goal was scored for Spain by David Villa.

Deutschland, Deutschland, uber alles...

Not just yet. They creamed England 4-1 in a round of 16 match where Mick Jagger out of Rolling Stones was apparently in the audience but they've still got three games left before they can claim a fourth title. The German goals were scored by Miroslav Klose, Lukas Podolski, and two by Thomas Muller and the English goal was scored by Matthew Upson. The card train didn't arrive until the second half when Arne Friedrich was booked in the 47th minute. Glen Johnson received the 200th yellow card of the tournament in the 82nd minute.

Then, the far ends of Latin America came together when Argentina beat Mexico. The first goal for Argentina was scored by Carlos Tevez in the 26th minute. The Mexican players thought Tevez to be offside, but the ref (by the way, he was the same guy that red-carded Harry Kewell in the Australia versus Ghana match) allowed the goal anyway. Rafael Marquez got the only booking of the match. The 34th minute saw Gonzalo Higuain score Argentina's second goal. Tevez scored a less controversial goal in the 52nd minute of the game (yes, the 52nd minute of the 52nd match which also features the nation whose international dialling code is +52, and yes that was the full deck for Argentina's scoring in that match). Javier Hernandez scored for Mexico in the 71st minute but it wasn't enough because Argentina beat Mexico 3-1.

After Mexico's embarrassing defeat, Arjen Robben scored the first goal for the Netherlands in their match against Slovakia, but within less than 15 minutes, copped himself the first booking in the match. Not much else happened until Kamil Kopunek was booked in the 72nd minute. Wesley Sneijder was next to score in the 85th minute and Martin Skrtel was cautioned soon after for arguing with the ref. Robert Vittek scored for Slovakia in injury time just after the Dutch goalie, Maarten Stekelenburg, was yellow-carded, but it just wasn't enough.

50 games down, 14 to go

The final group match saw Spain and Chile go head-to-head. The scoreline was 2-1 to Spain and three players were shown yellow cards. Marco Estrada was sent off in the 38th minute.

Uruguay played the first knockout match of the tournament against South Korea. Luis Suarez scored twice for Uruguay and Lee Chung-Yong scored once for South Korea, meaning Uruguay are through to the quarter-finals - the first time a South American team other than Brazil or Argentina made the quarter-finals since Peru in 1978. Kim Jung-Woo, Cha Du-Ri, and Cho Yong-Hyung were all booked.

And then, a Kiwi that doesn't usually watch much soccer proceeded to watch his fiftieth soccer match within just over two weeks: USA versus Ghana. The Black Stars were the first to score through Kevin Prince Boateng early in the match and Landon Donovan answered the goal almost an hour (of actual playing time) later. Ricardo Clark, Steve Cherundolo, and Carlos Bocanegra (all playing for the USA) received bookings, as did Jonathan Mensah and Andre Ayew (both playing for Ghana). The match went to extra time, with Sanwar Gyan bringing Ghana to a 2-1 victory in the 94th minute.

Finally some better discipline!

Cote d'Ivoire played North Korea in what is a first for the tournament - nobody got booked, even after 5 minutes of stoppage time were played after the second half. Three goals were scored, all for Cote d'Ivoire.

Sadly, this good discipline hasn't managed to rub on to the scoreless Brazil v Portugal match that was taking place at that time: there were seven yellow cards, all of them in the first half. Fortunately none of them were already on a yellow from earlier on in the tournament and none of them were booked again.

Later, Switzerland took on Honduras. The score was 0-0 and five cautions were handed out, including one for Wilson Palacios in the 89th minute. Because this was Wilson's second booking of the tournament, he would ordinarily be suspended from his team's next match but Honduras are out of the tournament.

Michael Jackson died one year ago yesterday

But that's not the issue right now, we've got some soccer to take care of! New Zealand is no longer in the running for the World Cup, but their win against Bahrain last year wasn't for nothing because while the 1982 side lost all their games, the 2010 side drew all their games. I bet their sights are now set on a vuvuzela-free tournament in Brazil in four years' time.

But before we go into the details, here's how the defending champions handled Slovakia: they crashed and burned; the score was 3-2 to Slovakia in a match where seven players were booked. Now onto the game against Paraguay: it was a 0-0 draw with three players receiving yellow cards.

A few hours later, Denmark lost 3-1 to Japan and five players in total were booked in that match. Meanwhile, two-time finalists Netherlands took on Cameroon (the only republic in the group) and beat them 2-1 in a match that also had five yellow cards. One unexpected event from the latter is when Rigobert Song came on for Cameroon in the 73rd minute - he's the only person other than Zinedine Zidane who had been red-carded in two different World Cup tournaments.

Vuvuzelas and ill discipline continue to rule the World Cup

Hassan Yebda received the first booking in the Algeria v USA fixture and because he'd already received a yellow card earlier in the tournament, he cannot be in Algeria's next game (provided that the game is taking place within the World Cup). Now remember that if you get booked in any two of your team's first five matches, you can't play in your team's next match if that match is taking place within the current World Cup.

However, Yebda wasn't the only thing going down in the game: the deafening vuvuzelas were in on the action and several goal attempts by the USA were disallowed because the scorer was offside. In the second half, Jozy Altidore, Anther Yahia, Medhi Lacen, and Damarcus Beasley also got booked. Anther Yahia subsequently got red-carded in injury time. The score was 1-0 to USA.

Meanwhile, England were taking on Slovenia in the 38th soccer match I've seen in two weeks. England scored the only goal of the match at the hands of Jermain Defoe. Four players were yellow-carded.

Later, Ghana and Germany started their match with a foul-less 17 minutes. However, there was no misconduct until Andre Ayew was booked in the 40th minute. Thomas Muller was also cautioned a few minutes later. The only goal came from Mesot Oezil who scored for Germany in the 62nd minute.

While Oezil was bringing Germany to victory against Ghana, Australia and Serbia took to the field. The card train arrived faster this time: after 17 minutes of play, Aleksandar Lukovic became the first to receive a yellow card, and four more players were booked in the second half. Tim Cahill, back from a suspension for a straight red card in the match against Germany, scored minutes after Oezil scored his goal and Brett Holman scored a few minutes later. Marko Pantelic scored for Serbia a few minutes after that but it wasn't enough as Australia won 2-1.

Don't cry for me Argentina

Because they're through to the next round after beating Greece 2-0 and only Kostas Katsouranis and Mario Bolatti were cautioned. The gayest moment in the tournament came when manager Diego Maradona kissed two of the Argentine players as they came off the field.

Meanwhile, Nigeria and South Korea did battle. Nigeria was first on the scoreboard with Kalu Uche scoring in the 12th minute. The Nigerian goalie, Vincent Enyeama, got yellow-carded in the 31st minute. His teammate Chinedu Obasi was booked a few minutes later, and the resulting free kick meant that Lee Chung-Soo was able to score an equalizer. Yussuf Ayila was next to be booked, meaning that three Nigerian players had better watch themselves in the second half, in which South Korea took the lead with a goal by Park Chu-Young. Nigeria bounced back after Yakubu Ayegbeni scored, and Kim Nam-Il was booked in the second half.

Third group games underway

We're halfway through the soccer and it's now four days with four soccer matches per day. But I only bring you the results of those games I've watched and here they are.

Since 1986, a rule has existed that each group's last two matches are to be played at the same time - that eliminates any advantage that one team may have in knowing how the penultimate game in their group panned out and realising that they only need to draw their game to advance. They should do this at a rate of four matches a day for all 64 matches so the tournament can go a little faster.

First off, it was two more hosts of previous tournaments: Mexico and Uruguay. The only goal was scored for Uruguay by Luis Suarez, and everyone was well-disciplined with no bookings until Jorge Fucile was cautioned in the 68th minute. Javier Hernandez and Israel Castro also got booked.

Meanwhile, France went up against South Africa. Bongali Khumalo scored the first goal for South Africa, which counted despite controversy that he might have used an arm (parallel to Maradona in 1986). Soon afterward, Yoann Gourcuff (of France) was first on the card train with a straight red, and in the second half, Abou Diabi (also of France) got booked. South Africa won 2-1 in a match that saw several opponents swapping shirts with each other at the end.

BRAZIL BEAT COTE D'IVOIRE!

The score was 3-1 and three of the Ivorian side got booked. Also, Kaka got sent off.

But it's not all about Brazil because Portugal and North Korea were up next in the 30th match of the tounament. Portugal won 7-0 (including an own goal from a North Korean who would probably get shot by Kim Jong-Il) and four players, two from North Korea and two from Portugal, were booked.

Then, it was two nations who have hosted previous World Cups but have not yet managed to win: Switzerland and Chile. The quickest yellow card so far was dished out just over one minute into the game: Humberto Suazo of Chile. There were a total of nine yellow cards shown in the game, and Valom Behrami got red-carded in the 32nd minute. An attempt at goal in the 49th minute was disallowed because three Chilean players were offside but Chile finally scored a goal in the 76th minute and the final scoreline was 1-0 to Chile.

Then, Spain took on Honduras. We are halfway through the World Cup and every match so far has seen the buzzing noise of thousands of vuvuzelas, and at least one of the players getting booked for anything from removal of shirts after scoring goals to a rather undeserved yellow card for not leaving on a stretcher when said stretcher was supposedly required. This match is no exception, with two Hondurans seeing the dreaded yellow card. The score was 2-0 to Spain.

Today is the 24th anniversary of Maradona's Hand of God goal. In case you're not aware of such a thing, Diego Maradona scored a goal with his hand in the Argentina vs England quarterfinal at Estadio Azteca in Mexico City during the 1986 World Cup.

I don't really think it matters if you're black or white...

But if you can play to a good enough standard, then one day you could be selected for the World Cup. And the 22 players on the field in Denmark (the players were mainly white) v Cameroon (the players were mainly black) proved that, especially when Cameroon player Samuel Eto'o scored the first goal in the tenth minute and an equalizer was scored in the 33rd minute by Nicklas Bendtner, but Dennis Rommedahl brought the scorelines to 2-1 for Denmark in the 61st minute. And race doesn't play a part in whether or not you get booked either because two players from each team were shown the yellow card: Sebastien Bassong and Stephane Mbia for Cameroon, and Thomas Sorenson and Simon Kjaer for Denmark.

Afterwards, we moved the focus onto another race: the race for a golden trophy with two green bands at the bottom. The next two teams competing for the cup were Slovakia and Paraguay, who won the match 2-0. And as has happened for the last 26 games, the fixture was not without its bookings; a total of 4 players were booked. If you want to know how low scores can get in soccer, the first goal in the match was only the 50th so far in the whole tournament! Who will score the 100th?

Not the All Whites or Italy! But they played a good game, scoring 1-1. As usual, some players were booked - in this particular match, 3 All Whites, including one of the silliest yellow cards ever: Ryan Nelsen got injured and left the field without the help of a stretcher that was required in his condition.

Vuvuzelas still active, yellow cards still being dished out in each match

Netherlands took on Japan in both teams' second group match. Gregory van der Wiel got the first and only booking in the first half in the match. Wesley Sneijder scored the first and only goal for Netherlands in the second half.

The Soccerroos were next but this time, it's against Ghana. A straight red was issued against an Australian player (again), this time it was Harry Kewell taking the walk after he had committed a "professional foul" when the ball (whose name means "bringing joy to everyone" but it has its critics) just bounced off his chest and his right arm. Of course he pleaded with the ref saying to look at the screen but once the ref shows you the red card, you have to take the walk. But he wasn't the only person on the field to get a card, as several others got booked (including Anthony Annan, who is playing for Ghana and is an old friend with the yellow card). Despite some good attacking work from both teams (the commentators mentioned that both teams were "going for the jugular") in the last 20 minutes, there was one goal apiece.

ONE HUNDRED POSTS TODAY!

But let's not get all excited yet - we've some soccer results to display! First up, we have the match between Germany and Serbia: the final score was 1-0 to Serbia, and Miroslav Klose got the first booking 11 minutes into the clash. Eight more yellow cards followed (the most seen so far), and Klose was red-carded in the 36th minute.

Then it was Slovenia versus the USA; the score was 2-2 with Slovenia scoring both their goals in the first half and the USA answering both in the second half, and 4 Slovenian and 1 American player received yellow cards.

Afterwards, England took on Algeria in a match in which I could hear the football chants associated with European matches and the vuvuzelas associated with South African matches over each other. There were no goals and Jamie Carragher of England got the first yellow card of the match 13 minutes into the second half. The only other booking went to Mehdi Lacen of Algeria in the 85th minute.

I'm fully caught up on the soccer for the time being

And the teams are as undisciplined as ever. We revisit the hosts of the current tournament, South Africa, as they face Uruguay, who hosted the first ever tournament back in 1930. In the first tournament, only four European nations could make it: France, Belgium, Romania, and Yugoslavia. Of these, only France has made it this year and Serbia is in the Former Yugoslavia, but at least there are more European teams.

Nicolas Lodeiro couldn't come due to his being sent off in the last match but the noisy vuvuzelas could. Speaking of poor discipline on the field, Steven Pienaar (not related to former Springboks captain Francois Pienaar) was the recipient of the second fastest booking in the current tournament to date, having received a yellow card during the 6th minute. Discipline-wise, several players were cautioned along with one receiving a straight red card. Score-wise, Uruguay won 3-0, endangering South Africa's chances of making it to the Round of 16.

Next up, Argentina took on South Korea; the latter got the first two yellow cards of the match and scored an own goal for which the player responsible risks being shot if South Korea don't make it past the group stage. Argentina won 4-1, and Gonzalo Higuain scored the first hat trick (that's when the same person scores three goals in the same game) of the tournament. A total of 5 players were booked.

Afterwards, Greece took on Nigeria, whose name sounds suspiciously like a racial slur. While the advance-fee fraud didn't quite make it to Bloemfontein, the cards did, and they turned up 4 yellows and a direct red. Greece won 2-1. Then, Mexico beat former champions France 2-0, and the ref had to show the yellow card a whopping six times!

That's 20 games down - that's right, I've watched 20 games of soccer in less than a week and every match has featured at least one booking.

About a ball

The official ball of this World Cup tournament is called Jabulani. In Zulu, the word jabulani means "bringing joy to everyone." But what brought joy to me this afternoon? Good football where Brazil creamed North Korea 2 goals to 1, as expected. And they played a well-disciplined 90 minutes with nobody getting booked until the 88th minute.

After tucking into tonight's episode of The Cleveland Show, I went onto the next course in the second of several all-nighters I'm planning on taking during the month-long soccer-fest they call the World Cup: Honduras and Chile taking to the pitch. The quickest booking so far took place in this match, with Carlos Carmona getting yellow-carded 4 minutes into the first half. Matias Fernandez followed suit within 15 minutes. Then, Wilson Palacios was booked for "a series of offences" one minute before Chile scored the first goal. No goals or bookings took place in the second half and as such, Chile won 1-0.

The final two countries were next: Spain and Switzerland. The score was 1-0 in Switzerland's favour, but Swiss players copped all 4 of the yellow cards dished out over the course of the game.

So there we have it: all 32 nations have played at least one game, and all 7 countries to have ever won a World Cup were among the 32. And not a single match was without at least one booking or the controversial buzz of the vuvuzelas.

I think Winston Reid deserved that booking...

If you are playing in one of the World Cup teams, then you'd better be taking this in: the disciplinary record of all the teams playing is quite appalling in that no match has been played so far without at least one player being booked. In addition, four players have already been red-carded and in addition to their team having to play the rest of the 90 minutes a man down, the red-carded player also has to sit out the next match. Also, if the same player gets booked in two different matches within the same half of the tournament, the player has to sit out his team's next game but only if the next match is taking place within the same tournament. I don't mind the vuvuzelas, but you need to clean your team out with a Karcher, especially if one of the players on your team has already been booked or sent off.

New Zealand drew 1-1 against Slovakia. There were 3 bookings, including one from when Winston Reid removed his shirt after scoring for the All Whites in injury time. I think when someone's doing that, they're a big show-off and they need to be put in their place, and a yellow or red card will do just that. Or maybe they should also disallow the goal, which was what the ref should have done with Maradona's "Hand of God" goal.

Then, it was Cote d'Ivoire (previously known as Ivory Coast) versus Portugal. Three yellow cards were issued (all in the first half), and the match ended with no goals being scored.

I'm staying neutral on the whole vuvuzela issue

Some like the loud buzzing noise of the long plastic horns and some go so far as to watch the games with the sound turned off. FIFA president Sepp Blatter is deciding not to Karcher them because the vuvuzela has become an ingrained part of South African football culture and it didn't make much sense to "Europeanise an African World Cup". I think the vuvuzela gives a distinctive character to soccer matches in that part of the world, and you don't have to be from South Africa to get a vuvuzela in your team's colours and blow it during your team's games.

Our first game against Slovakia is mighty close but in the meantime, I was able to take down the following from a few more games. First on the list was two rather progressive monarchies: Netherlands, who made it to the final in 1974 and 1978 but lost both to the host nation, and Denmark, whose flag is similar to the design on Serbia's kit. As usual, several players were cautioned over the course of the game. Daniel Agger (who is playing for Denmark) scored the first own goal of the tournament. Netherlands won the match 2-0, but I'm now more worried about Agger's life though because of what happened to Andres Escobar, a Colombian defender who was fatally shot 10 days after scoring an own goal during the 1994 tournament.

In the tenth soccer game I've watched in the space of less than 72 hours, Japan and Cameroon were on the pitch. Neither team, according to the commentators, was in the best form but Keisuke Honda scored the only goal in the match for Japan in the 39th minute, making this their first World Cup win away from home soil, and it was also the first time Cameroon was defeated in a World Cup opening match. As usual, there were yellow cards dished out including one in injury time.

Then, defending champions Italy took on Paraguay. The final score was 1-1 and the dreaded yellow card was shown twice in the second half.

I'm really dreading the whipping the All Whites are likely to receive tomorrow, especially because we had three difficult opponents back in 1982 and we have three almost-as-difficult opponents this time.

The teams playing in the World Cup are so undisciplined!

IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ALL PLAYERS: What goes on tour doesn't necessarily stay on tour - especially when I'm here to document the action. So be careful on the field or you could be shamed in my next post!

So far, not a single match has been played in the World Cup without at least one player getting booked, and already, Tim Cahill of Australia has been given a straight red card and three more players have been sent off after two cautions in the same game - Nicolas Lodeiro from Uruguay, Abelkader Ghezzal from Algeria, and Aleksandar Lukovic from Serbia. This World Cup is turning out to be just like four years ago in Germany when there were several discipline problems even when you take Zidane's share of the cards out of the equation.

Although South Africa wasn't playing, the deafening vuvuzelas still were. But enough about those eardrum-bursters.

One of today's matches was between Algeria and Slovenia. The first to get booked was Slovenian player Aleksandar Radosavljevic who pushed an Algerian player in the back during a tackle in the 35th minute. The next entry in the ref's notebook was Algerian substitute Abelkader Ghezzal who tugged on a Slovenian player's shirt in a tackle shortly after he came on in the 59th minute. He deliberately handballed in the 73rd minute and was sent off (unlike that filthy Maradona when the goal counted in 1986). Komac (playing for Slovenia) and Yebda (playing for Algeria) got booked in injury time. Although there were bookings, there were no goals for either team until Slovenian skipper Robert Koren scored in the 79th minute. Final score was 1-0 to Slovenia and it was their first ever win during a World Cup game.

Another Former Yugoslavia - Africa pair was found later in Serbia (whose shirts look like the Danish flag despite the fact that many Serbians are Orthodox and many Danes are Protestant but then again both denominations broke communion with the Catholic Church) and Ghana. The game was not without several bookings, and again, the red card was shown. Ghana scored the only goal in the match after a penalty for a handball in the 84th minute, which also resulted in a yellow card for one of Serbia's eleven.

Next up, the Soccerroos took on Germany, who hosted the last competition in 2006. Lukas Podolski is the quickest scorer so far, having scored a goal in the eighth minute of the first half. Germany also got the first booking when Mesot Oezil dived three minutes later. Next in the book was Soccerroo Craig Moore, who protested a free kick given against him for a handball in the 21st minute, for which I believe the referee should have just yellow-carded in the first place. Tim Cahill, playing for the Soccerroos, got the first straight red card of the tournament during a tackle in the 56th minute. But that wasn't the end of the card trail for that match, for which the final score was 4-0, the most goals I've seen so far. Being a Kiwi, I definitely enjoyed watching Australia being humiliated by three-time champions and two-time hosts Germany and I can't wait for the All Whites to cream Slovakia.

But it's not just the soccer that I have to call to attention. The commentators mentioned that Brazil's first game was against the Democratic People's Republic of Korea when just North Korea would have sufficed. I would not have referred to North Korea as democratic when it clearly isn't. And why is North Korea even playing in the World Cup? I know it's wrong to mix sport with politics, but FIFA should have just Karcherized Kim Jong-Il's regime and enforced an agreement similar to the Gleneagles agreement which was used by the British Commonwealth against South Africa during the apartheid era.

Longest post so far?

I watched a few more World Cup games last night. I am recording every game to MY SKY during the World Cup and then watching them as I get to them. Because the games are being aired in High Definition, three games each night would take up over one quarter of the MY SKY hard disk's space. So in addition to what I already have recording each week, I am having to set myself a rather punishing sleep schedule (some nights will entail no sleep at all) if I want there to be enough space for the next day's programmes and still have time for classes at polytech and all the other stuff that I do during the daytime (oh, and the soccer games are watched first because they take up the most space).

Uruguay and France both failed to score, even after Lodeiro (playing for Uruguay) got red-carded in the 81st minute. There were also quite a few yellow cards dished out throughout the course of the game.

The score for the game between Korea Republic (South Korea) and Greece was 2-0 to Korea Republic at full time. The teams were better disciplined and the ref didn't need to show any cards until Torosidis (playing for Greece) was booked in the 56th minute, possibly for stamping on a Korean player he caused to fall.

Argentina (who was coached by Diego Handball Maradona - and yes, his handball incident back in '86 was referred to by the commentators) and Nigeria were next and the score was 1-0 to Argentina at full time. Yellow cards have also been shown here.

And tonight, I watched a game between two previous hosts: England (hosted in 1966) versus USA (hosted in 1994). The game ended in a tie, each team scored just one goal. Several England players were booked throughout the whole match and the USA made a substitute five seconds before the ref blew the whistle.

And if you're wondering about the buzzing noise in the background during the games, those are long horns called vuvuzelas that the spectators blow at football matches in South Africa. Those things are even louder if you're actually in the stadium, and they get louder and louder as the game progresses, so if you're going to a soccer match over there, you might want to pack some earplugs unless you plan on becoming deaf. Or maybe bring your own vuvuzela if you want to join in the somewhat irritating noise.

Results of matches I've watched so far:

I'm just going to record all the World Cup matches on MY SKY and watch them as they show up. So far, I've only watched the first match between South Africa and Mexico, and the score was 1-1 and two yellow cards were shown to South African players who had engaged in incidents involving an opponent falling.

Temporary format change coming tomorrow

Instead of our usual thing, I will bring you the results of all the World Cup games that took place that day, along with any incidents of foul play that resulted in a yellow or red card.

And so the perceived hatred and ignorance continues...

In our early days, I'd be bringing you my take on the billboards of Dunedin. In hope of success as a blogger, the world news became a stronger target over time. I am returning to our roots today by bringing to attention a swastika pattern I found in the entrance to a wine shop in Lower Stuart Street today. I have no problem with the symbol being displayed in a proper religious context, but the swastika (also known as a Hakenkreuz) also carries an anti-Semitist meaning. It conveys hatred towards the Jewish people, and has already been banned in several countries in Europe. I understand if the building in question was constructed before Hitler's rise to power, but even though over 60 years have passed, followers of Judaism are still not over the Holocaust.

Never ever trust a Filipino politician

I'm not being racist or anything but the new president of the Philippines, Noynoy Aquino, is a definite no-no (sorry about the pun) because he promised to quit smoking if he won the election but then re-neged on the promise, saying he would continue to smoke even on World Smokefree Day. Now that that huckalero has won the election, he should get a Karcher onto that filthy habit because it's not just killing him but anybody that breathes in his second-hand smoke. The world does not need that poison just like Rastas don't need marijuana to live a happy life - personally, I think a stint in the slammer will sort those weed-heads out.

It's a start but it's not enough

Seven ex-employees of Union Carbide have just been jailed for two years for criminal negligence in relation to their role in the Bhopal disaster in 1984. I don't think it's enough when you take into account the fact that some of the effects of the gas leak are still present over 25 years later (especially in water that some residents depend on) and there were thousands of deaths in relation to the incident. Union Carbide should be fined a crippling sum of money for their negligence in relation to the disaster.

5 days until the World Cup...

And yes, even the All Whites are in South Africa as we speak (or type :).) I hope nobody scores a goal with their hand or headbutts an opponent this time round.

Still nothing to write about

Except for maybe how slow this weekend has been.

Nothing to write about

Unless you count this statement :)

OH MY GOD THEY ATE PUKE AGAIN!

Today, I saw the episode of South Park where Cartman went to fat camp. Meanwhile, Kenny swallowed a manatee spleen, and in the next scene, Kenny puked it out and was offered money to eat it. Eating puke is disgusting, especially considering the reasons why one pukes. Your brain's vomiting centre is your friend and it tells your stomach to get rid of partially-digested food if there's too much or if it has germs, and if you eat puke, it just defeats the whole purpose.

WHAT IS THE POINT?

Right now, I'm watching a documentary called My Big Breasts and Me. What goes on is that several British women with big breasts want to make them smaller. I don't see the point in breast reduction when men find breasts sexy. One thing I like in women is the breast size (see, told you I'm not gay.) Personally, I don't care if they're implants, but just don't make them smaller because then you'll become a big turn-off when it comes to men. But, if that's what you want, go ahead but don't come crying to me when every other man in town decides not to go out with you and your smaller breasts.

I have had it with Japan's Prime Ministers resigning every September!

Ever since Junichiro Koizumi resigned as Prime Minister of Japan in September 2006, there has been a new guy holding the post every September: first there was Shinzo Abe, then Yasuo Fukuda, then Taro Aso, and now Yukio Hatoyama has resigned three months early! The Japanese political system at the moment is way too unstable and Emperor Akihito should do something about it.

Winter is icumen in

Lhude sing Goddamm.
Raineth drop and staineth slop,
And how the wind doth ramm!
Sing: Goddamm.

Skiddeth bus and sloppeth us,
An ague hath my ham.
Freezeth river, turneth liver,
Damn you, sing: Goddamm.

Goddamm, Goddamm, 'tis why I am, Goddamm,
So 'gainst the winter's balm.

Sing goddamm, damm, sing Goddamm.
Sing goddamm, sing goddamm, DAMM.

Jiri Paroubek is such a wimp!

The Social Democratic Party won a plurality (more seats than anyone else but less than half) in the general election in the Czech Republic. However, that doesn't seem to be enough for its chairman Jiri Paroubek, who resigned because the results were poorer than what he was expecting. That is the most wimpish thing a politician could ever do. It's OK to resign over a pay cut that you don't feel is right, but resigning just because your party didn't get all the seats it expected is stupid. If I were him, I'd just be happy that I got the most seats and not make such a stupid move. So what if the results were poorer than expected?

EIGHTY POSTS TODAY!!!

But I'm actually here to talk about Apple's constant product placement in several recent films. In January, I saw two movies: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and It's Complicated. Both had an Apple product somewhere in them. A new movie starring Jackie Chan will also have an Apple computer in it. It's nice to see that the Karcher has turned its powerful spray onto Gates and his empire, even if Apple just want to get ahead of the game.

What the hell...? No no no no no no no!

Or at least that's what my reaction to this little gem was: there's a bunch of lies on a website maintained by the Weston A Price Foundation. Those nutters embrace cholesterol and saturated fat. They advocate consumption of raw milk, which basically is milk that hasn't been pasteurised. They advise against vegetarian and vegan diets. And all those crazy ideas are based on the work of a dentist. I'm staying well away from this "holistic dentistry".

Eleven weeks and nothing to write about...

Maybe if you were in church and somebody was crunching on Doritos during a sermon, then there would be something to write about. But not today.

OUR BLOG IS LUCKY!

And why is the blog lucky? Because we've hit 77 posts.

South Korea needs to get a Karcher onto Kim Jong-Il and fast!

Two months ago, the ROKS Cheonan was sunk. A few days ago, an inquiry into the incident concluded that North Korea was responsible. South Korea has taken the first step by suspending trade with the North but it's not enough. From previous experience, similar actions imposed against the governments of Myanmar and Cuba haven't worked yet, but force has gotten rid of Hitler, Saddam, and Ceausescu among several other tyrants. Even though I think war is wrong, Obama should withdraw American troops from Afghanistan and Iraq and have the entire army reassigned to North Korea (even reinstate the draft if they have to) because force is probably the only thing that communist tyrants like Kim Jong-Il will understand.

75 POSTS!

That's right, we've made it to 75 POSTS! That's right, this is the 75th post that you guys have seen. I apologise for the lack of content typical of some of the more recent posts, but there have been some good posts among them and this will hopefully continue into the foreseeable future.

There doesn't seem to be anything to write about

So I'll just write about nothing :)

Wild Bean Cafe are a bunch of inconsiderate anti-Semitists!

I went into the nearest Wild Bean Cafe today for a coffee. While I was drinking it, I noticed that the lid had what appeared to be a swastika on it. If you've read some of my older posts, you'll find that we do not stand for the depiction of swastikas outside of an appropriate religious context. And that, my friends, is why they're a bunch of inconsiderate anti-Semitists.

Look at Google's attempt to incorporate the Pacman board into their logo!

It's not exactly how they've displayed it on their page, but it still looks cool. It obviously looks better when all the components are on the board.

Twilight is just rubbish!

I am not going to that new Twilight movie because the entire saga is just rubbish. The movies are just bollocks, and the chances of me going to them are smaller than an electron. You'd sooner get me to do illegal drugs than watch that hell and I won't be risking arrest for possession of illegal substances anytime soon, so the only way you'll get me onto that crap is if the chick in the movie took her top off, and even then I won't be going. The movie is crapola and anybody who goes to it has absolutely nothing better to do with their lives than see a whole lot of rubbish.

The Thai military needs to be stopped!

The political situation in Thailand is getting to a point where I feel that Thailand needs to get rid of the army just like Costa Rica did 60 years ago. An army is supposed to defend a country but the army in Thailand is trying to stamp out the Red Shirt protesters. King Bhumibol Adulyadej should just get rid of the army, execute the people responsible for the coup, and restore democracy before another violent clash takes place.

OH GOD NO MORE BOMBS!

A bomb has hit a NATO convoy in Kabul, killing 18 people including five US soldiers and one Canadian soldier. These deaths are all Bush's fault. If he hadn't usurped Al Gore's rightful spot on the podium and declared war in Afghanistan, then the NATO convoy wouldn't even be in Afghanistan and those innocent people wouldn't have died. If Obama had any sense, he would withdraw all troops from Afghanistan and Iraq and have Bush hung, drawn, and quartered because of all the people that have so far died in the War on Terror. In my opinion, Afghanistan was in a lot better state when the Soviet Union invaded it in 1979 causing a mass boycott of the 1980 Olympics in Moscow.

Cartman's racism has gone too far!

Cartman has always ripped on Kyle for being Jewish, once threw a rock at Token and went to juvenile hall because it could be construed as a hate crime, and now he has a hand puppet pretending to be Jennifer Lopez, but this J-Lo is putting out songs about tacos, which are a stereotypical Latino dish. By having that hand puppet, Cartman is stereotyping Latinos. That stereotype is not on.

We're past all the sixes and there's still nothing to write about...

But I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,
And this is how it goes:

I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves...

But I'd better stop before it does get on everybody's nerves.

Six is still the magic number...

We've had six weeks, sixty, two to the power of six, and now there's 66 posts. But just wait until there's 666 posts - that's the number of the devil (and don't go looking in the Bible for who this devil is because the verse in question, Revelation 13:18, just says the number is that of "a man".) Who do you think this man could be?

That makes me a very sad panda...

I was watching the episode of South Park with the Sexual Harrassment Panda. The notion of having a panda teach children about sexual harrassment is stupid, and look what happened in the episode: everyone was suing everyone and even the school was losing all its funding. The lesson here is that you can't just go round filing frivolous lawsuits.

The six-ual healing hasn't been completely disseminated yet...

Sorry about the pun. But there's been a six-week checkpoint, a sixty-post checkpoint, and now we're two to the power of six posts in. It's an awesome feeling, and when Marvin Gaye gets that feeling, he'll probably want six-ual healing (sorry about the pun, and yes his music is gay).

OH MY GOD LESTER KRINKLESAC USED THE N WORD!

Tonight I was watching an episode of The Cleveland Show. This was the one where they were all in New York. In the scene in question, Lester was looking for Cleveland among a group of black people and he said they were "all a bunch of n*****s" (actually, the N-word was replaced with a short promo for Family Guy). Then, when Cleveland came to the scene, he said that Lester gets a free pass on the N-word because he knows a black guy. Knowing a black guy is no excuse for getting a free pass on the N-word. There is no way I'd ever use that word around black people.

IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS!!!

It has now been two months since this blog first went up. Thanks so much for your support and (lack of) comments. I hope we're still around after another two months.

It's been two months tomorrow...

It's taken us almost two months, at one post each night, to get this far and we're hopefully here to stay. There'll be posts with better content in the coming days.

This is post #60 so here goes

I think it's stupid how we Kiwis have to dial the area code before making a call outside of our local calling area even if it's in the same area code. For instance, to call a number in Dunedin from Christchurch, you have to dial it 03 429-9664 and not 429-9664 even though the number you're calling from is also in the 03 area code. However, over the ditch, that's not the case and you can dial a number in Sydney as 7010-8845 and not 02 7010-8845 despite being in the likes of Coffs Harbour (further north along the coast). That is just bollocks.

What's the point of running for Parliament if you won't take your seat?

If you follow British or Irish politics, then you may have heard of a political party called Sinn Fein. They are a Unionist party that operates in both the Republic and the Six Counties (Northern Ireland). Even though they believe that Northern Ireland should secede from the UK and form a united Ireland, they still run for seats in the British House of Commons but they don't take them if they do win. And in the recent elections, they walked away with five seats but they're not going to take them. So what's the point of running? If I start something, I finish it. If I win a seat in any legislature, I take it. Sinn Fein should sort out their priorities.

Michael Jackson joke in Hot Tub Time Machine was off colour...

I saw a movie called Hot Tub Time Machine today. It had some really funny bits in it, but I feel the reference to Michael Jackson's skin colour was way too soon. In the relevant scene, when the main characters went back in time to 1986, one of the characters asked one of the people there what colour Michael Jackson was just to make sure it was just a retro party, but she answered that he was black. That reference to the King of Pop was way too soon.

Here's something a little lighter today

It's been nearly two months. There's been some good billboards, especially the one a few days ago that could be construed as having hidden gang messages. There's also been a few examples of swastika-like patterns, overuse of the Karcher brand name, and even some commentary on the recent elections in Hungary. But here's something a bit lighter: two new elements of the Periodic Table. They're called poohs and wees.

Why would you give your kid chicken pox on purpose?

Chicken pox is a common childhood disease and once you've had it, you'll never get it again. But there are some parents who would have their kids sleep over at a friend's house just so they'd catch chicken pox. Mine weren't that cruel and heartless. Take an episode of South Park I watched today, for instance. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman were sent to Kenny's house just so they would get the chicken pox. These "pox parties" are stupid and could constitute child abuse, especially if it's to provide the children with an immunity towards something more serious like swine flu. If you want to make sure they don't get such viruses, then take your kids into the doctor and give them the relevant shots.

This is a bit sinister...

Look at that poster. There are in fact two gripes about it: first off, the Arc de Triomphe is actually in France, not Romania. Also, the poster may be a gang symbol in disguise because of the blue colour and the word that the first letter in each of the four countries mentioned in this poster (China, Romania, India, and the Philippines) spells (CRIP). The poster might not even be in the Northern Hemisphere but what if that poster was on Bloods territory? There could have been a turf war over this poster and somebody could have been shot if this poster were placed in downtown LA.

EWWW GROSS!

This is one of the grossest scenes from South Park ever. In this scene, Butters is eating his puke. This is gross and disgusting. Vomit contains partially-digested food that was rejected because it might have gone off or might have germs. Vomiting is the body's way of getting rid of food that could make someone ill, and eating puke is just stupid.

Still little to write about

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Somalia needs to be cleaned out with a Karcher!

If you don't know which one Somalia is, it's in what's called the Horn of Africa. It's the country that looks like the number 7 (if I ever construct a language, then the word for the number 7 will reflect this fact). One thing that's not right about this place is that in 1991, President Siad Barre was ousted by clan-based forces backed by Ethiopia and a civil war broke out. And there's now another war that has been going on since 2006 (with a brief ceasefire in 2009), which has gotten to the point where one of the warring parties felt it necessary to bomb a mosque near the Bakara market in Mogadishu, which resulted in 39 deaths. This sort of carry-on cannot be condoned anywhere.

Not much to write about tonight...

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We're now into day 50

And we're still here. Thanks for your support.

If you got a second burger by mistake, would you speak up?

I wouldn't because it's a second BBQ Bacon Double Cheeseburger. That means FOUR beef patties, FOUR slices of American cheese, SIX rashers of bacon, TWICE the BBQ sauce, and TWO sesame seed buns (and yes, there are now sesame seeds coming out my buns because I eat at Burger King nearly every day, ha ha very funny). Only a Hindu would turn that much beef down. I only ordered one burger today but got two instead. The guy at the counter had one burger in each of his hands and put both on my tray by mistake, which meant that I immediately picked up my tray and started finding a table before someone realises the mistake. In the words of Mr. T, I pity the fool that could lose his job or maybe just have the cost of the second burger docked from his pay just because he made the mistake of putting two burgers on the same tray instead of one burger on each of two adjacent trays.

Those braids are so overrated

This is a picture of former Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko. That braid is the stupidest hairstyle ever. It might be the fashion in the Ukraine, but there's no way I'm going for it here. Those braids are awful and they need to be scrapped. Tymoshenko needs to get a better hairstyle because the braid looks ugly and stupid. Seriously, if your wife was seen wearing that hairstyle, it would be grounds for immediate divorce and a claim against her for half her stuff.

DOTT SPECIAL REPORT: Second round results not in...

Two weeks ago, the people of Hungary voted to decide on the makeup of the Orszaggyules. Those in constituencies that didn't elect a representative that had more than 50% of the vote went back to the polls on Sunday (local time). Although the results of the second round aren't in yet, I can deduce from the first round results that MSZP won't be the governing party, and rightly so because they lied about their electoral promises in 2006. This sort of electoral fraud should have been confined to the pre-1989 Hungary, and the communist leaders should be lucky they weren't removed violently like Ceausescu was in neighbouring Romania.

Here's why I don't drink illegal liquor:

This is a bottle of a Ugandan liquor known as waragi. Waragi has just been responsible for a mass poisoning in Uganda, where adulteration with methanol (wood alcohol) has already killed at least 80 people over the last few days. The specific drink was not the bottle to the left, but an illegal home-made banana gin contaminated with methanol. The people responsible for making the gin in question should be locked up for life without parole.

Was at the Chinese Garden today...

It was a great place (or would have been had it not been for what looked like a pattern of swastikas under the edges of the roof of the covered walkway). Somebody needs to get a Karcher on that place because one day, a Jew might visit the place and be really offended by all the swastikas. If you thought the previous examples of swastikas were pretty bad, then you haven't been. This sort of hatred toward Jews is not necessary and should be stopped. Millions of Jews died under Hitler's regime, and I'd hate for a Jew to go to that place and faint after seeing the rows of swastikas.

RWC 2011 tickets almost on sale...

Tickets go on sale in 60 hours. Remember, you gotta be there!

WE'VE BEEN DISSEMINATING THE TRUTH FOR SIX WEEKS!

NOT 1320???

If anyone asked you how long the Rhine is, you'd say 1320 km, right? Wrong, as some guy from the University of Cologne named Bruno Kremer found earlier this year. The figure of 1320 turned out to be a typo from a German encyclopedia published in 1932 called Knaurs Lexicon. And yes, these findings have been checked and confirmed. So, when anyone asks how long the Rhine is, the correct response is 1230 km, not 1320. The extra 90 km was a typo. Remember that next time you're reading up on Germany.

That rubbish is so last year!

H1N1 is 2009's news. Last year's pandemic had everyone panicking but it's not 2009 anymore. We have a series of earthquakes and a volcano eruption to worry about now and not some stupid virus that causes "swine flu", but Otago Polytechnic still has this billboard up asking for their help to control the spread of a virus that has thankfully receded into the realm of last year's news, just like those Bom Chicka Wah Wah ads did in 2008. The hand sanitiser nearby can stay but the billboard can't because H1N1 is no longer such a big problem for the world anymore. If you want a bigger problem to replace it, the volcano that erupted in Iceland and resulted in the cancellation of several flights across Europe would fit the bill - and rightly so, because the ash cloud has already gone as far as Kazakhstan despite much of Iceland remaining unaffected.

This is the fortieth post

The new Macbook Pros are here!

I think I did the right thing putting off my switch from PC to Mac until later this year, because there are new MacBook Pro models that were released last week and are almost in New Zealand. The new model has an improved battery life over last year's model (8-10 hours over 7-8 hours), the graphics are better, and the processors are faster. If Steve Jobs thought the original Mac (released in 1984) was "insanely great", then he'd be reconsidering that statement after seeing the awesomeness of the new MacBook Pro line and its ability to one day Karcherize the competition and the Windows operating system that is near-universal among said competition.

One thing I find to be politically incorrect, however, is the use of the term "deeper blacks" when it comes to today's TV and computer displays (quote from a review of the new 15" model: "Still, colors were bright, blacks were deep and dark, and viewing angles were excellent both vertically and horizontally.") That could be taken as a reference to black people, and could cause offence among black people just like the swastika has the potential to cause offence and discomfort among Jews.

MORE swastikas?

The swastika problem in Dunedin is still there - the logo of the Centre City mall looks like a swastika. To the Jewish people, the swastika is a symbol of the oppression their people faced when Hitler was in power. Somebody needs to do something about this before a Jewish person walks past the entrance and gets offended by the logo's resemblance to a swastika.

Tapas aren't Scottish!

Look at this sign I found outside a bar on Lower Stuart Street. It says they're serving tapas despite the Scottish imagery implied by the photo. If those nutters want to get anywhere with their customers with the St Andrew's Cross, then they shouldn't be serving a "full tapas menu". Tapas aren't Scottish in origin, but rather Spanish. People may well start going if haggis, which is a Scottish dish, is served. The malt whiskies and the live Celtic music are a start, but they should either change the tapas menu to dishes associated with Scotland or drop it altogether.

Has anyone ever listened to that Rugby World Cup tune?

I think The Feelers did a pretty good job with covering Jesus Jones. Anyone who's complaining that the song picked was originally by a British band should remember that The Feelers are a Kiwi band. I know the choice of a British song might sound colonialist but if they'd gone with the likes of Loyal, many people outside of New Zealand won't know the song and the advertising campaign for RWC 2011 might fail because a Kiwi song that's practically unknown to people in, for example, Argentina was picked over a British song covered by a Kiwi band who I think did a pretty good job on their cover.

Another South Park gripe...

If you watch South Park, you'll know that Kyle Broflovski is the lone Jew among the boys. And in the Jewish religion, there is a set of dietary laws called Kashrut. One of those laws states that mammals cannot be eaten unless they have cloven hooves and can chew cud. Giraffe meat has recently been considered to fall within these guidelines, but there is a Bible verse specifically saying that pork cannot be eaten.

In this not-very-good photo from the episode "Starvin' Marvin", you can make out Kyle cutting a bit off a ham, which is a continuity error. Ham, just like any other pork product, is not kosher because Leviticus 11:3 states that "whatever parts the hoof and is cloven-footed and chews the cud, among the animals, you may eat" and Leviticus 11:7 states that "the pig, because it parts the hoof and is cloven-footed but does not chew the cud, is unclean to you." And to the right is his mother, Sheila, who isn't doing jack about it.

DOTT SPECIAL REPORT: Trouble no longer brewing in Hungary...

It's not often that I get involved in another nation's politics, but I have nothing better to write about today. The first round of the Hungarian elections concluded a couple of days ago (NZ time), and the ruling MSZP party lost to FIDESZ (logo pictured). In 2006, Prime Minister Ferenc Gyurcsany admitted that his party lied about the electoral promises that they made in order to win that year's election, and this caused over a month of protests. Lying about electoral promises is stupid and I think Hungary had seen enough of that crap during the communist era. The Hungarian people did the right thing this year in Karcherizing those losers representing the MSZP and driving the majority they had in 2006 out of the Orszaggyules (Hungarian Parliament) - so far, only 28 of the 265 seats allocated so far went to the MSZP, compared to FIDESZ's 206 (if you want to know where the other 31 went, 26 went to Jobbik and 5 to LMP). Seriously, if I were a Hungarian citizen and I knew that MSZP were lying about the promises they made, I would've voted for FIDESZ.

Jackass is so disgusting!

Today, I watched an episode of Jackass which was literally crap. In the episode I got this disgusting photo from, there were three stunts involving poo. The first of those involved one of the cast smearing their clothes with refried beans (hint: it looks like poo) and offering free hugs. The second involved one of the cast putting some dog poo in a newspaper, going into an Asian restaurant, ordering a vegetarian dish, putting the dog poo in the meal, and complaining that there's sausage in the meal. And the third one made like that song by Beyonce and found itself going to the left, to the left. It's not a good photo, but what happened was that they put some poo on the toilet seat, got the seat revolving, and smeared it on half the seat.

Why would people put such disgusting rubbish on the air? I don't mind poo but TV shouldn't have to be so disgusting when it comes to poo. That episode of Jackass was filthy as but I did like the stunt where they were trying to down as many hard-boiled eggs as they could in one hour.

Would you like vegies with that?

Burger King make some really good burgers, but they can be fattening too. I found on the British site that Burger King restaurants in the UK and Ireland are selling a burger called the XL Bacon Double Cheeseburger. It's like the BBQ Bacon Double Cheeseburger that is sold here in New Zealand, but it doesn't have BBQ sauce and it's designed to be just as big as the Whopper (hint: XL).

I hate vegies but it's just stupid that Burger King can get away with selling such tasty yet unhealthy burgers. There's 55 grams of fat (26 grams saturated) and 6 grams of sugar in the burger alone, and if you super-size your order, there'll be another 7 grams of fat (4 grams saturated) and 2 grams of sugar in the fries, and 95 grams of sugar in your Coke. That's a total of 62 grams of fat (30 grams saturated) and 103 grams of sugar. If a burger like that is introduced by Burger King in New Zealand, then I'll just stick to the regular BBQ Bacon Double Cheeseburger most days of the week.

Are they actually going to eat that ham?

I love South Park, but one thing I find weird is Mr. Hankey. He's a talking piece of poo that's associated with the holiday season, and he leaves little brown marks where he's been. In this scene from the 1999 Christmas special (Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics), he slid down a family's Christmas ham, leaving a brown mark where he went.

Personally, I wouldn't eat the brown bits because the poo is most likely to have E coli in it. There is no way in hell that I'd risk food poisoning by eating ham that Mr. Hankey, or any other poo, has been near, especially as the Rugby World Cup is next year, and we can't have South Africa cheating us out of the title again like they did in 1995.

Look at that Internet cafe's logo!

This sign is for an Internet cafe on Moray Place called PCNZ. The logo is meant to be a windmill in the same colours as the Windows logo, but if you just look at the outlines of the fan, it looks like two swastikas facing in different directions melded together.

This public display of objects that resemble swastikas could cause offence among Dunedin's relatively small Jewish community if someone doesn't take a stand against places like PCNZ. Someone needs to get a Karcher onto people that publicly display swastikas that are not used in Hindu religious context. The wanton use of swastikas is not on.

I just found the funniest song ever.

It's by a band called The Lonely Island and it's the funniest thing ever. The music video can be accessed on Youtube by clicking here. I can't make it through the whole song without laughing.

DOTT SPECIAL REPORT: My phone's here!

My phone is here, I promised you pics, and here they are. And no, I haven't removed those swastika-like stitches from my mattress yet.

DOTT SPECIAL REPORT: My new cellphone's almost here...

The new cellphone I bought off some guy on TradeMe is almost here. The cellphone looks like the iPhone I have now but it's even better because it has the following:

1. A second SIMcard slot so that I can put both my cellphone numbers in it.

2. A TV tuner and FM radio.

3. A QWERTY keyboard that can be accessed by sliding it out from the rest of the phone.

4. A microSD card slot that can take anything up to 16 GB.

5. A second camera at the front.

And all this for NZ$800 LESS than what I paid for my iPhone.

The photo is of the card I got in the mailbox saying that I wasn't up to sign for the package and that I can go to the address in South Dunedin provided to pick up the parcel, which I will be doing tomorrow. There will be pics of the actual phone up tomorrow night.

Who wears their kin on their skin?

Look at this sign. Why would anyone wear their kin on their skin? Hair and freckles are OK, but when it comes to your kin, you can't wear it on your skin. Your kin (family) is not something you'd wear on your skin. Neither is a tattoo - they're lamer than hell and they could get infected.

Whoever wears their kin on their skin has nothing better to do with their lives than wear their kin on their skin. If I had a choice between wearing my kin on my skin and having someone defecate in my cistern, then I'm taking the top off the cistern.

What was that word after "rock & roll"?

If you are offended by one of the tracks listed on this Patti Smith album, then you're not alone. I took this photo at a music store on Princes Street called Disk Den, and the track in question, known as "Rock & Roll N*****", features a nasty, vile, and just plain horrible word that's directed at black people. I do not condone the N-word and Disk Den should be ashamed of themselves for selling CD's which promote hatred towards other ethnicities. They should remove it from their shelves before someone else picks it up and starts getting all upset about the racial slur. We do not need that sort of language in our society and we should be respecting diversity instead of promoting words and language that cause offence towards other ethnic groups.

Not a very PC mattress is it?

If you look at the pattern of the stitching on my mattress, it looks like one of the most controversial and politically incorrect symbols known to our Western society: the swastika.

Despite the swastika pattern, I am not a Nazi sympathiser and I can't believe that the mattress I've been sleeping on for the last few years has such a controversial design stitched on it. Several Asian peoples won't see much problem with it, but for Westerners, it's a different story. During the 1930's, Hitler misappropriated what several religions based mostly in India consider a sacred symbol and now the swastika is associated with Nazi Germany and hatred towards Jews.

I honestly did not see that the stitch pattern formed swastikas until yesterday while I was making my bed and I am going to take the offending stitches out sometime soon.

Now it's both meaty AND vegetarian?

I'm not a vegetarian but I find it just plain stupid that a vegetarian pizza can be meaty like the one mentioned on this menu from a bar on Lower Stuart Street named Metro. The meatiest vegetarian anything has absolutely no meat anywhere near it, so Metro are just wasting their time.

And there's one more gripe: why is vegetarianism such a big deal? Everyone knows that vegetarians are complete douches who are missing out on the wonderful taste that only meat can offer you. If there is a god, then he (or she) created animals for one reason: for food. And that god would have commanded that mankind enjoy everything the planet has to offer.

Guilty by WHAT?

This pun is just stupid. I understand it's near the courthouse but there's just no excuse for a place being guilty by confection. The chocolate they sell rocks the hizzouse but the name has just got to go. There is no need to demonise chocolate because it's not illegal in New Zealand to eat chocolate and there is nothing in the Bible stating that thou shalt not eat chocolate. If you look in chapter 20 of Exodus, you'll find thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not commit adultery, and thou shalt not steal. But I can't find thou shalt not eat chocolate anywhere in any of the 66 books in the Bible.

While we're on the subject, read the text near the bottom. The only thing even close to decadence in the store is overpriced chocolate that rocks the hizzouse, and nothing in the history of crime has ever been "well worth the sentence" because crime doesn't pay.

What a week it's been!

I would like to take a break from all the rubbish that is standard fare on this blog and focus on several events that have been going on over the last week that nobody ever saw coming:

1. China have finally landed a man on the moon.
2. The drinking age in New Zealand has been lowered to 10 for wine and beer and 12 for spirits.
3. The age of criminal responsibility has been raised in the UK from 10 to 65.
4. Nelson Mandela died of heart failure last night.
5. Scientists have discovered a genetic defect in pigs which means the sufferer chews its cud. The first lot of pork from this "kosher pig" will be examined by a rabbinical council in New York in the coming weeks.
6. Also in New York, a dome whose purpose is to block out the sun during the summer months will begin construction in August of 2011.
7. Apple CEO Steve Jobs has announced that all of their computers starting in December 2012 will have Windows as the default operating system.
8. The Simpsons has been cancelled to make room on Fox's schedule for hour-long episodes of Family Guy.
9. Finland and Estonia will be swapping national anthems in June.
10. Pepsi have announced a merger with Coca-Cola.

See, folks? No matter what time of the year it is, life is full of surprises.