WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Human error

They say that to err is human. But human error has been cited as a cause or contributing factor in disasters and accidents in industries as diverse as nuclear power, aviation, space exploration, and medicine. Another example: when I went to see Beautiful Lies in the weekend, the projectionist had threaded One Day (which was apparently scheduled for the same auditorium later that day) into the projector instead, and yes I did alert the cinema staff to the mistake as soon as the title was revealed to be the wrong one even though it was already looking a bit suspect when Anne Hathaway’s name was featured in the opening credits. This is why cinemas should have a message during the advertising loop for a particular film saying something along the lines of “Thank you for choosing [cinema name]. In a few minutes, we will be playing [movie name]. If this is not the movie that you have come to see, please inform cinema staff as soon as possible.”

And because today is also the last day of the month, we will also reveal that the Bellend of the Month for October 2011 is Freemon Everett Seay. What began as an attempt to discipline his child turned into a sordid case of abuse when police say the Washington man forced his 16-year-old daughter to don Renaissance armour and engage in a wooden sword battle for two hours. He was punishing his daughter for a recent attempt to run away from home, but the Renaissance fair enthusiast has since been arrested for the October 16 beating, and rightly so because he apparently started by beating the girl with a willow switch before donning armour and forcing her into a two-hour battle between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. local time. When the girl was reportedly no longer able to stand on her own, he relented. But what that bellend didn’t count on was that his daughter quickly took action, texting pictures of her bruises and injuries to friends, who promptly alerted the authorities. The daughter did the right thing in taking him down with the power of her cellular phone (yes, we have come quite a long way since the real Renaissance), and that evil maggot will hopefully rot in prison unless, of course, human error gets in the way.

Yay Chicharito, yay Chicharito, he won the game for Man U!

After their embarrassing defeat at Old Trafford last week, Man United beat Everton 1-0 at Goodison Park today. The goal was scored by Javier Hernandez, and three Everton players were yellow-carded.

Freedom isn't free

Protesters angered by a local outcome in Tunisia’s first free election burned a central government building yesterday in the impoverished town of Sidi Bouzid, which was where Mohamed Bouazizi, a fruit vendor, set himself on fire in protest against a lack of opportunity and the heavy handedness of the local police, touching off a wave of demonstrations that toppled Ben Ali and inspired the regional revolutions and unrest that became known as the Arab Spring. The violence appeared to be set off by a local election issue, rather than displeasure at the broader results of the national vote. Supporters of Hachmi Hamdi, a former member of the ousted government, saw their votes nullified after his party, the Popular List, was removed from the ballot over accusations of campaign finance violations. I bet this spasm of violence is nothing but a front for Tunisians who are still loyal to Ben Ali. Ben Ali was the wrong leader for Tunisia and we should all support the Tunisian people in their quest for the right leader. Tunisia’s moderate Islamist party Ennahda, banned for decades, has emerged the official victor in the landmark elections, taking 41.47 percent of the vote and 90 of 217 seats in an assembly that will write a new constitution.

One teenager's virginity going once, going twice...

A Utah woman accused of trying to sell her 13-year-old daughter's virginity has pleaded guilty to two sexual exploitation charges for having the girl model in her underwear for men. The 33-year-old woman had also faced two first-degree felony counts of aggravated sex abuse of a child - and up to life in prison - but prosecutors agreed to drop those charges in exchange for her plea. She now faces up to 30 years in prison at sentencing on December 5, and it serves her right. Nobody should be doing that sort of rubbish to their children, and she is a complete bellend for thinking she can get US$10,000 for selling her daughter's virginity like that. If it was the money that caused this carry-on, that nutjob could've sold her own virginity, but no, she just had to bring her minor daughter into the equation, and at her sentencing hearing, she will pay dearly for such a stupid mistake.

The veil shall fail

Yemeni women defiantly burned their traditional veils yesterday in protest of President Ali Abdullah Saleh's brutal crackdown on anti-government demonstrations. Thousands of women gathered in the capital, Sanaa, said witnesses. They carried banners that read: "Saleh the butcher is killing women and is proud of it" and "Women have no value in the eyes of Ali Saleh." They collected their veils and scarves in a huge pile and set it on fire - an act that is highly symbolic in the conservative Islamic nation, where women use their veils to cover their faces and bodies. It's the first time in the nine months since Yemen's uprising began that such an event has occurred, and if Saleh's reign of terror continues, it won't be the last. Tribes must understand they will not be respected by Yemeni women if they stay quiet while their women are being attacked by the Saleh regime. Tribes who ignore womens' calls are cowards and have no dignity. I won't be surprised if this starts happening in Saudi Arabia.

All warts must go!

A federal advisory committee recommended today that 11- and 12-year-old boys routinely receive a vaccine that girls the same age have been given over the past five years to stop a sexually transmitted virus - a move that could help increase acceptance of the human papillomavirus shot. Boston-area physicians say the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices’ recommendation, which is likely to be adopted by the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, will make them more willing to urge parents to seek the vaccine for their sons. Until now, doctors could give the vaccine to preteen boys, but without the official blessing of the nation’s leading disease prevention agency. It's amazing how far vaccinations have come since Edward Jenner came up with a cure for smallpox, which has now been eradicated. And they'd better start mass vaccinations soon because about 20 million Americans are infected with the human papillomavirus, known commonly as HPV. HPV has been associated with genital warts and a variety of cancers, including cervical, anal, penile, and an increasing incidence of throat cancer. An estimated 7,000 men develop HPV-related cancers every year, and now, the epidemic can finally be stemmed.

It only happens once in a blue moon

It had been billed as the biggest Manchester derby in decades, but it turned out to be a derby day to forget for United as City celebrated a historic 6-1 victory yesterday morning (NZ time) at Old Trafford. Man U's goal was scored by Darren Fletcher, and Man City's goals were apportioned as follows: two by Mario Balotelli, one by Sergio Aguero, two by Edin Dzeko, and one by David Silva. As if things couldn't get any worse for the Reds; in addition to two players from each team receiving yellow cards, Man U had to play most of the second half with ten men after Jonny Evans was at the centre of the game’s big moment two minutes after the restart when he got red-carded for pulling Balotelli back as the Italian striker bore down on goal.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Freeloading

The dishonour this week goes to those who freeload, and more importantly, to those who encourage it. According to Wiktionary, a freeloader is one who does not contribute or pay appropriately; one who gets a free ride, etc., without paying his or her fair share. In 2008, I went to Melbourne for a week and the trams there did not have anybody manning the ticket machines to make sure the passengers paid. And yes, I did pay for my tram rides. Also, one cinema in my hometown seems to be encouraging freeloaders on one of the sites that it posts its session times on. This page has not just the movie times but also tells you which auditorium each session is in. This information, which is not normally released until you buy your ticket(s), might be useful to somebody who is planning to sneak in for free, especially considering that this particular location rarely conducts ticket checks (except during film festivals), and (even though it's not related to the main topic) there is no legroom there unless you sit all the way up the front and tilt your head up so you can see the screen. And there is also an example of somebody who is helping freeloaders avoid the consequences of their dishonesty: one website based in Sweden encourages fare-dodging on public transport mainly in the cities of Stockholm and Goteborg by selling an insurance policy where, if you get fined for not paying the fare, they will pay your fine. The concept of you doing the crime and somebody else doing the time is just like that rubbish about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. So don't be some stupid freeloading piece of scum.

Bad Siri! That's a bad Siri!

Macworld has reported that the voice-activated feature on the new iPhone 4S will let anyone use the phone to send e-mails and text messages and make calls even if it's passcode locked.

Try it. Grab a friend's locked iPhone 4S, press the button and ask Siri to do something. Apparently, you can send a text message, make a call, and send an e-mail, all without knowing their passcode. It is also reported that one can still get an address and a phone number out of the phone, and even see the calendar. But there's a solution: in the Passcode Lock settings, switch Siri to "Off". This lets you continue to use the feature once your iPhone is unlocked, but keeps users from accessing these features when security is enabled. However much of a security risk this may be, the app assists in "handsfree" technology. Many users have password locks on their phones, so what good is the handsfree technology when you have to look at the phone and enter a password? Reading texts, making phone calls, and asking Siri questions would not work as smoothly if you constantly had to look at your phone and enter a password every time you want to use it. But if you don't need to use Siri at the moment, then you should disable it until you do need it.

Ben Ali fled, Mubarak is in jail, Gaddafi is killed, Assad … ?

Syrian protesters poured onto the streets yesterday, vowing that President Bashar al-Assad's regime will be the next to unravel after the death of the ousted Libyan dictator Muammar al-Gaddafi. Activists said around 14 protesters were killed when security forces opened fire. Although mass demonstrations have shaken one of the most authoritarian regimes in the Middle East, the Syrian opposition has made no major gains in recent months. It holds no territory and has no clear leadership. This has gone too far and if war is needed, then so be it. Nobody needs scumbags like Assad trying to bring their people down, and he should just step down before anyone else gets hurt.

Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava nagila ve-nismeḥa...

Former Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi has been killed after heavy fighting in his home town of Sirte. Libyan television announced today that Gaddafi was killed by revolutionary forces in Sirte following weeks of brutal fighting. The Libyan Prime minister said the colonel was captured unharmed by National Transitional Council forces but was shot in the head during crossfire with Gaddafi loyalists, and died soon after. Too bad the same thing hasn't yet happened to Justin Bieber or Bashar al-Assad or Kim Jong-il or Alexander Lukashenko.

Time to admit de-feet

Sometimes when you buy a pair of shoes, one of them can feel snug while the other one does not quite fit. Tom Boddingham (pictured inside his slipper/bed) certainly knows the feeling. When the 27-year-old Briton ordered a special monster-design slipper to fit his oversized left foot, he was sent the size 1,450 one pictured above because the Chinese manufacturers failed to spot the decimal point between the 4 and the 5. The slipper was sent directly from Hong Kong and measures 210 x 130 x 65cm, which is big enough for his 6ft 7in (just over 2m tall) frame to sleep in. He wants to sell the monster-sized slipper, which a spokesman for the factory said they thought was for a shop window display, on eBay but I think he should use it as a bed instead. When I move out of my dad's house (yes, I do still live with one of my parents, but just one of them because they have been divorced since 2003), one of those giant slippers will be my next bed.

Lions, tigers, bears, and wolves, oh my!

Dozens of animals, including lions, tigers, bears, and wolves, were on the loose in Zainesville, Ohio today after apparently being released from an exotic farm. Police and wildlife officials scrambled to hunt down the animals, shooting 25 of them, and ordering local residents to stay indoors and cordoning off the area around the farm, where the owner, who had been released from federal prison three weeks earlier after serving a one-year term on firearms charges, was found dead near several open cages. It's a good thing the cops acted fast before anyone else died because it would've been a huge disaster had the wild animals eaten everyone else in the area. Also, people need to keep their animals locked up where they can't hurt anyone. Had their owner not been killed, he would be back in prison for letting the stampede happen.

Time to abort this bill

By a 251-172 margin, the US House of Representatives has passed the Respect Life Act, which would remove the possibility of abortion funding from healthcare legislation approved last year and would also apply conscience-protection provisions to the legislation. The measure faces a presidential veto in the unlikely event that it should pass in the Senate, and rightly so because the proposed legislation is designed to crap on women’s reproductive freedom and access to health care, and unnecessarily restrict the private insurance choices that women and their families have today. This anti-choice legislation is just rubbish but at least 251 (only 57.7% of the House) isn't a big enough margin to override a presidential veto should it come to that.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The Arab League

Gulf countries seeking to suspend Syria’s membership to the Arab League over its bloody crackdown on protesters failed to gain enough support yesterday to push the measure through, reflecting deep divisions among the body’s 22 nations. This is beyond stupid and international bodies shouldn't be letting such crimes against humanity continue. Syria should be suspended from the Arab League, and so should Egypt if the military council doesn't pull their weight. The European Union is moving to widen its sanctions against Syria as a result of Bashar, and so should America. Bashar al-Assad is the skidmark on the underpants of Syrian society, and I hope he buckles under the weight of the sanctions and eventually steps down.

And it's a draw!

Man United drew their game against Liverpool at Anfield this morning. The score was 1-1, with Liverpool's goal scored by Steven Gerrard and Man U's score courtesy of Javier Hernandez. Four players were booked over the course of the match.

Knife games turn sour

Two boys and a girl - all aged 14 - have been charged with attempting to hold up a young woman at knifepoint on the Gold Coast. The trio bailed up the 22-year-old woman after she got off a bus at Main Beach about 9pm (local time) last night. Closer to home, an 11-year-old girl was expelled from Whangaparaoa College after she pulled a knife on another girl. The knife wasn't used but it was not just threatened in a minor way, it was pointed and she threatened, 'I will use this on you'. This sort of carry-on is why kids shouldn't be playing around with knives. It could've been a whole lot worse had either knife actually been used on its intended victim.

Like character, like actor

Harry Potter actor Jamie Waylett has been arrested and charged with possession of a homemade bomb. Police believe Waylett, who played bully Vincent Crabbe in five films of the Harry Potter movie series, intended to use a Molotov cocktail while allegedly looting champagne during the London riots on August 8. Police also claim they found 15 marijuana plants in Waylett's home. It's just predictable that an actor would turn out to be just like a character they once played, and I hope a suitable punishment is meted out. In other news, the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 has been banned in Australia.

Is wife-beating back in fashion?

In Topeka, Kansas, protestors hit the streets after the city decriminalised misdemeanor spousal abuse. The move angered victim’s rights advocates in Colorado and now the advocates are learning about proposed changes to Colorado’s domestic violence laws. Colorado is one of 23 states requiring police to arrest all domestic violence offenders when someone calls 911, and they should just keep it that way. An act can look like a minor incident but domestic violence is a pattern. On average, the survivors that the Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence in Boulder work with have been assaulted 16 times or more before law enforcement is ever involved. In other news, peanut butter (NOT penis butter) lovers could be in for a shock because consumer experts say the price of a jar of peanut butter could soar by 30-percent as soon as the end of this month because of recent dry weather in Georgia and other states which produce peanuts.

Myanmar, let your people go!

Myanmar has begun the release of what it said will eventually be more than 6,300 prisoners under a mass amnesty. According to a rights group, there were just 70 political prisoners among the inmates freed by noon local time (6:30pm NZDT). One of the prisoners is a major-general who had 99 years to go on a 105-year sentence for sedition, but they can do better than just 70 prisoners of conscience. Myanmar's mass amnesty is one in a series of recent moves that could help the isolated nation normalize relations with Western nations including the United States but to me, it's probably just a ruse. Since the coup in 1962, the nation has been going downhill. In 1970, Ne Win switched traffic on Myanmar's roads to the right-hand side apparently on the advice of a wizard, a consequence of this being that the only border with Thailand where you don't have to change the side of the road you're on is a short border with Malaysia. And let's not forget the mass demonetisations of money during the late 1980s or all the weird denominations of currency (notes worth 35, 45, 75, and 90 kyat will be familiar to some) that were introduced under Ne Win. The economic disturbances that resulted from all this caused serious rioting and another coup. It's about time the place got its long-overdue Arab Spring cleaning.

OK, but who will be freed?

State-run media in Myanmar said today that 6,300 prisoners would be released in an amnesty and a new official human rights body urged the country’s president in an open letter to free what it called “prisoners of conscience,” a term for the political prisoners whose release has been a central demand of Western nations. The announcement in the official media did not mention prisoners of conscience, and general amnesties in the past have failed to include significant numbers of an estimated 2,100 political prisoners being held. News services, citing Myanmar state television and radio, said the releases would begin tomorrow. Given Myanmar's poor human rights record over the years, I bet they're only planning to release about 30 or 40 prisoners of conscience, with the balance being made up of common criminals. It's time Myanmar had an Arab Spring cleaning. In other news, a judge has ruled that former Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko, whose stupid "wraparound braid" hairstyle I mentioned in April last year, criminally exceeded her powers when she signed a gas deal with Russia in 2009.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Flame wars

There are certain topics everybody knows are going to start a fight - politics, religion, abortion, video game consoles - important things like that. But there's a lot of stuff not on the standard hot-button list that is guaranteed to stir a forum thread into a white-hot frenzy. Topics that you would think people could disagree on reasonably, like dog poop disposal or tipping, can somehow drive people to threaten physical violence. Here are a few:

*Declawing cats: I'm against the practice because claws are part of a cat's survival mechanism, but sometimes, a claw might need to be removed for medical reasons. Same for neutering.
*Tipping: I'm on the fence but in New Zealand, we don't usually tip.
*Does 0.999... = 1? It does as long as you've got a never-ending supply of nines.
*Circumcision: No way. Unless there's a religious or medical reason.
*Veganism: I won't judge your hippie ways but meat is just too tasty for me to stop eating.
*Dog poop: Responsible owners should pick up after their pets just as one would pick up after themselves.

Seriously, guys, can't we just get along?

We have another leader down... we think

Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh said yesterday he would step down in the next few days after months of protests against his 33-year rule that risked tipping the dirt-poor nation bordering Saudi Arabia into civil war and economic collapse. But opponents were sceptical of the wily political survivor who has backed out of a Gulf-brokered power transition plan three times this year, and they should be. Meanwhile, Bashar al-Assad isn't even close to stepping down. But Steve Jobs showed that if you put good Syrian genes (NOT Bashar al-Assad) together with a good education and value system, you can get an exceptional product. In fact, several exceptional products. It was Apple technology which helped the people overthrow autocratic regimes in Egypt, Tunisia, and Libya. The wrong Syrian died last week. It's quite a sick world we live in when Steve Jobs has to die of cancer and Bashar al-Assad remains Syria’s cancer.

The Bears are back in town

President Obama welcomed his hometown team to the White House a quarter-century after it won Super Bowl. The '85 Chicago Bears didn't get the traditional White House reception because of the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster that occurred two days after their Super Bowl victory. In other news, Governor of California Jerry Brown has terminated the sale of shark fins, despite protests from some Chinese American leaders who saw the move as an assault on Asian culture; vetoed a controversial bid to restrict how motorists pass bicyclists; and decided not to require microchip tracking of some dogs and cats. Among the 57 bills he approved were several intended to increase the safety of natural gas pipelines and one that requires that all ballot initiatives be decided in the November general elections, which typically draw greater numbers of liberal voters than June primaries.

Happy birthday to me, soon I'll be 23...

And Jonny Wilkinson and Toby Flood held a penalty shoot-out behind closed doors at Eden Park today to decide who will kick for England in the Rugby World Cup quarter-final against France. I think every team should decide on it's goal kickers that way and maybe the All Blacks should have a coin toss to decide which haka to perform before each game.

Syria's long overdue for a revolution

A group of military defectors known as the Free Syrian Army have said they plan to overthrow President Bashar al-Assad's murderous regime. The group is led by Riad al-Asaad, an air force colonel who recently fled to Turkey, and the group now has more than 10,000 members and he is calling on fellow soldiers to join him. They will soon discover that armed rebellion is the only way to break the Syrian regime, just like it was in Libya. I wish them the best, and I hope Bashar finally leaves. In other news, co-founder and former visionary CEO of Apple, Steve Jobs (who, coincidentally, is partially of Syrian descent), is dead. He was an asset to a great company and Tim Cook will never even be half the CEO that Jobs was. Please, God (if you exist), please let your next scalp be Justin Bieber. His music is just too painful to endure.

How do you like them Apples?

It's easy to point to yesterday's iPhone 4S unveiling as a ho-hum affair, that is, if you were expecting something more. And the truth is, most of the tech world was. Look no further than the slew of rumours that took on a life of their own in the extended wait between last year's model and this one. A bevy of silicon cases flying out of China sporting a dramatic new design derived from an allegedly leaked Foxconn prototype? Check. Gorgeous renderings of devices with a huge display, tapered design, and a change to the iPhone's iconic home button that's gone unchanged since the original? Check. And hey, how about two new iPhone models this year? Add that one to the pile too. What we've now got instead is the iPhone 4S, a phone that looks just like the iPhone 4 on the outside but with faster innards. And yes, people will be lining up to buy it because of the faster innards, especially as the new model is a "world phone"; this means the same model can be used on both GSM and CDMA networks (so no need for two different models). But they could also add a second SIM card tray or an SD card slot, or they could improve their Maps app to include a GPS navigation system like the ones you see in cars (I bet they've already come up with that - or not), or maybe even chuck in support for unofficial third-party apps so that iPhone owners won't need to jailbreak their devices.

Maybe China deserved it

China has stepped up its criticism of a proposed U.S. law that would punish countries with artificially low currencies, saying there would be negative repercussions for both countries if it is passed. Bollocks to that. China should be punished, not because of the greenback-renminbi exchange rate, the fact that not all traffic on PRC-controlled territory drives on the same side of the road (this is also true in the US, where the US Virgin Islands has traffic on the left), or even their alphabet with thousands of letters. They should instead be punished over their stupid claims about being the sole legitimate government over all of China. They are using their ill-gotten power to bring Taiwan down, e.g., Taiwan has to compete under the name Chinese Taipei in several international sporting competitions, and Taiwan's entrants in the Miss World and Miss Universe pageants have to enter as Miss Chinese Taipei instead of Miss Taiwan; and if somebody doesn't start giving that overpopulated commie wasteland a good Arab Spring cleaning, then the Communist Party will just keep acting like stupid douchebags.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The Egyptian military council

Egyptian riot police on Saturday cleared Cairo's Tahrir Square of protesters who had wanted to stage a sit-in following a demonstration demanding an end to emergency laws and a speedy transfer of power to civilians from military rulers. It's all well and good that Mubarak is no longer in power, but the protestors have three demands that the military council need to meet: an end to emergency law, an end to military trials of civilians, and the speeding up of trials of previous top officials. Also, about 60 political parties and groups, including the political wing of the Muslim Brotherhood, have threatened to boycott an upcoming parliamentary election and set a deadline of Sunday (which is also the date the All Blacks hopefully beat Argentina) for the military council to meet their demands. These include approving a law that would effectively prevent many of those who supported Mubarak while he was in power from running for office. And if the military council don't start doing their job, there could be a second revolution.

Canaries don't stand up to the heat

It may be October but this was a taxing work-out in the sweltering sunshine for the champions. That's right, I'm talking about Man United taking down Norwich City 2-0 this morning (NZ time) at Old Trafford. The goal-scorers were Anderson and Danny Welbeck, and one player was booked. Maybe if Dimitar Berbatov had some game time, the scoreline would be a lot higher.

Don't you Bahrain on my parade

The U.N. condemned Bahrain's brutal crackdown on anti-government protesters yesterday. Human rights groups say that since March, 34 people have been killed and more than 1,400 arrested. And now, Bahrain has put doctors on trial - just for treating injured protesters. This rubbish needs to stop because treating the sick and the injured is what a doctor is supposed to do. They should NOT be prosecuting doctors for doing their job, because if that happened on a regular basis, all the doctors would be too scared to help should King Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa or some other high-ranking government official fall ill. And besides, even war has rules, for instance, you can't just leave an enemy soldier for dead on the battlefield. This is just wrong and the government should stop it before there are no more doctors left.

The Yanks have a bellend on their flank

More specifically, Louis Stanfill, who was the USA's blindside flanker for the Italy v USA match at Trafalgar Park on Tuesday night, and is the Bellend of the Month for September 2011. He was sent to the sin bin in the second half of the game for mucking about in the scrum, which I suspect he did just to get a Mexican wave going. All you do in a Mexican wave is stand up briefly and raise your hands in the air just because everyone else in the stands is doing so. They are stupid and have absolutely no place in sports. I'd rather have vuvuzelas than that Mexican wave rubbish.

Johnny in the ball pit

A condom that a two-year-old girl found at a McDonald's playground and began chewing was filled with ice-cream and left by a group of schoolgirls. On Saturday, a father was eating lunch at the fast-food chain's restaurant in Geraldton, Western Australia (aerial view pictured), when he said he was "disgusted" to find his daughter coming out of the playground with what was supposedly a used condom in her mouth. But a McDonald's spokeswoman said a group of local schoolgirls have come forward and admitted they played a prank by planting the condom filled with ice cream in the cubby house. But even so, this is just disgusting and it was not the first condom the restaurant had found in the playground that day. Condoms are for covering your penis (if you have one) before sex, not for filling up with ice-cream and leaving in the playground. It would've been a totally different matter had the condom been filled with semen or some other bodily fluid.

Kenya's in the news this time

More specifically, two people from Kenya. Environmentalist Wangari Maathai, the first African woman to receive the Nobel Peace Prize, died last weekend at the age of 71, and Patrick Makau won the Berlin Marathon, setting a new world record of 2 hours, 3 minutes and 38 seconds (21 seconds faster than when Ethiopia's Haile Gebrselassie won it three years ago). I hope Makau wasn't on steroids at the time.

The rebels got to the root of the problem

Anti-Gaddafi fighters overran the port of Sirte early today, scoring a strategic victory in their battle for control of the defeated Libyan leader's birthplace, his loyalists' most important bastion. It's great that the rebels got to the root of their problems but there's still a wee bit to go. In other news, Saudi women now get to run (not to mention vote) in all municipal elections from 2015 onwards, however, they'll have a tough time campaigning because women still can't drive.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga has paid tribute to a bullied gay teen by dedicating her hit tune Hair to the young fan during her performance at the iHeartRadio music festival in Las Vegas on Saturday. The pop superstar launched a campaign to make bullying illegal after learning 14-year-old fan Jamey Rodemeyer allegedly took his own life following years of taunts from peers over his sexuality. But that doesn't make her a better musician than fellow torture device Justin Bieber. She has absolutely no talent whatsoever and seriously, what sort of a name is Lady Gaga? But what those nutjobs did to poor Jamey is just not on. Rest in peace, Jamey.

The Reds' winning streak is over

Man United drew their game against Stoke City this morning at Britannia Stadium. Man United's goal was scored by Nani and Stoke City's goal was scored by Peter Crouch. The only player booked in the whole match was Glenn Whelan.

But ye cannae change the laws of physics!

An international team of scientists said on Thursday they had recorded sub-atomic particles travelling faster than light -- a finding that could overturn one of Einstein's long-accepted fundamental laws of the universe. Measurements taken by the team over three years showed that neutrinos pumped from CERN near Geneva to Gran Sasso in Italy had arrived 60 nanoseconds quicker than light would have done. This is just not possible (unless the neutrinos were on steroids or had help from Chuck Norris) because going faster than light is just science fiction. The speed of light is a cosmic constant and nothing in the universe can travel faster. Either the scientists are wrong or Einstein is.

I'm walkin' away... from the troubles in my life

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has gone on the warpath against the West at the United Nations again, sparking a mass walk-out by outraged US and European delegates. The Iranian leader accused the US of using 9/11 as a "pretext" to invade Afghanistan and Iraq. He also repeated comments casting doubt on the origins of the Holocaust and criticised the United States for killing Osama bin Laden rather than bringing him to trial. The delegates that walked out could have instead stayed and thrown chairs at that bellend. His comments were out of line and the world doesn't need nutjobs like him causing trouble and bringing down well-meaning Western leaders like that. If he thinks he's so tough, he should shove ginger root up his butt and leave it there for a few hours.

They didn't start the earthquake

Several Italian scientists, along with other experts, have been accused of failing to warn residents about a deadly quake and giving "inexact, incomplete and contradictory information" on whether or not tremors felt by L'Aquila residents in the six months before the magnitude-6.3 quake on April 6, 2009, should have constituted grounds for a quake warning. The defendants are facing manslaughter charges after 308 people were killed. This is just stupid because even in areas where earthquakes can be expected, there is no way to predict an earthquake. Even if the tremors were grounds for a warning, the scientists should not be charged with manslaughter. This is wrong and unjust.

Keep to the left, Yankee Doodle

Canterbury police are concerned about the number of drivers crossing the centre line on highways and rural roads. During one weekend this month, police issued 50 infringements to motorists who crossed the centre line on a blind bend on State Highway 7 at Lewis Pass, an area which killed five people in three separate head-on crashes during 2007. I bet this latest spike is due to the tourists here for the rugby, and even if the rule in your country is keep to the right, we keep to the LEFT in New Zealand. Drivers caught crossing the centre line can be fined $150 and lose 20 demerit points for failing to keep left, unless of course you're on a one-way street.

I say deport the Mexican wave

Mexican waves are just stupid. According to Wikipedia, all it is is an example of metachronal rhythm achieved in a packed stadium when successive groups of spectators briefly stand and raise their arms. I was at the Italy v Russia rugby game (the one that finished over an hour ago) and there was a Mexican wave in the second half that lasted about three laps of the stadium. The Mexican wave wasn't even born in Mexico but it needs to be deported from sport because first off, it's just stupid and uncool, and also, stuff could get thrown up in the air. Mexican waves are for douchebags only, and in my opinion, are more appropriate at a funeral than at a sporting fixture.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Chelsea

And it's a good thing Man United beat those bellends 3-1 this morning at Old Trafford. Chris Smalling, Nani, and Wayne Rooney all scored a goal each for Man United, and Chelsea's goal was scored by Fernando Torres. Five players were booked.

Two stars this planet has

Astronomers announced Thursday the discovery of a rare planet that orbits two stars, like Tatooine in the "Star Wars" films, adding to a growing inventory of alien worlds in the curiosity shop of the cosmos. Detected by NASA's $600 million Kepler space telescope, it is the first confirmed solar system of its kind, turning a Hollywood fantasy into astronomical fact. The Saturn-size planet, known as Kepler-16b, circles its twin stars in the constellation Cygnus about every 229 days. Maybe George Lucas should film new Star Wars material there.

Just take it to the skies

Diehard loyalists of Gaddafi unleashed barrages of rockets and mortars to beat back an assault by interim government forces on one of their last bastions in Libya's desert and also held off an advance into his home town. Forced to retreat from Bani Walid by a heavily armed and well dug-in force estimated at several hundred, columns of fighters in pick-up trucks raced back out of the interior desert town on Friday after a day that began with talk of ending the siege and capturing senior figures from the old ruling elite. Maybe it wasn't the best idea for the rebels-turned-government to evacuate the civilians because that gesture may have given the loyalist fighters an extra two days to prepare their counterattack. The rebels should've done something else like using fighter jets - that way, a bomb dropped on the town would take out the loyalist soldiers no problem, even though Bani Walid would be reduced to rubble.

What's next, the Isle of Man TT for Robots?

After scaling the cliff walls of the Grand Canyon and driving the Le Mans racetrack for 24 hours, a tiny Japanese robot is set for a new challenge - Hawaii's grueling Ironman Triathlon course. Fitted with three different bodies and three rechargeable batteries, the hand-sized "Evolta" from electronics firm Panasonic will swim, bicycle and run its way through one of the world's toughest triathlon routes. Maybe if those guys think their robot is so tough, maybe it should take on the most dangerous motorbike race known to man. That's right, the robot should have a go on the Snaefell Mountain Course, which is the racetrack used for the Isle of Man TT. Maybe then the robot will gain some respect.

Oh Stuxnet, well you came and you gave without taking

But the worm couldn't wreak any more havoc at Bushehr and now the nuclear power plant is open. That sucks because a) there could be a repeat of Chernobyl and b) Iran are wasting perfectly good nukes on power when the wind or the sun could create much cleaner electricity and the nukes could be used on China and North Korea, which both need an Arab Spring cleaning like there's no tomorrow. In fact, if the UN are going to accept such dictatorships as members, then it's time for the democracies to walk out, start their own alternative, and cut off all ties to, and enter into a permanent state of war with, the remaining UN members.

The NTC are getting ready to take Bani Walid

But the rebels are giving the civilians time to evacuate first. This could be helpful because lots of civilians have died at the hands of both sides of the conflict. In other news, the Vatican is being taken to the International Criminal Court over the Catholic sexual abuse scandal.

He who served it dealt it

The Liquor Licensing Authority has suspended the licence of the publican of the Poolburn Hotel for three months for failing in his duty of care to his customers. It obviously served that bellend right because he poured drinks for four young Irish farm workers for "a long time" one night last November, and allowed them to drive home in two cars after closing time. Poolburn is 36km northeast of Alexandra and its only pub may be forced to close during the three-month period, missing out on tourists here for the Rugby World Cup, and rightly so because one of the Irishmen who drank all that alcohol was killed when he crashed his car soon after closing time. Tests showed the driver was more than four times over the drink-driving limit, and if the nutjob who served him had any sense at all, this tragedy wouldn't have happened. The days of the jovial country publican are over, and you can't just keep serving booze to a customer who is already drunk and then let them drive home.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Terrorism

Couldn't really think of anything worse this week. Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of 9/11, but I hope nobody is planning an attack during the Rugby World Cup.

9/11 turns ten today

And Man United beat the Bolton Wanderers 5-0 this morning at Reebok Stadium. Two of Man U's goals were scored by Javier Hernandez and three by Wayne Rooney. Two players were booked, both of them being Bolton players with the surname Davies.

The big one-zero is nearly upon us

Osama bin Laden is dead. The end is near in Iraq. The masses in Arab nations are clamouring for democracy. And, most important, there hasn’t been a major attack on U.S. soil in a decade. But does that mean America won? In the 10 years since Manhattan and Washington were hit by airliners-turned-missiles on Sept. 11, 2001, America’s longest war has notched several victories. But many security experts and former government officials say it’s far from over. They're right. There are still terrorist groups out there, and what's more, 9/11 could have something to do with America's current debt crisis. Defence spending has tripled in the last ten years and is likely to put America further and further in debt as the war drags on. It's time for Obama to end this by bringing the troops home.

Could it be Hiroshima all over again for the Galaxy?

Apple is looking for a court in Japan to block the sale of certain Samsung mobile devices. In the latest shot fired in the ongoing patent war between the two companies, a lawsuit filed by Apple in Tokyo District Court seeks to ban sales of Samsung's Galaxy S and S II smartphones as well as the Galaxy Tab 7 tablet in Japan. In my opinion, Android devices are in fact ripping off the OS that Apple use in their iPhone and iPad, and if the Galaxy line is forced out of the Japanese market, Apple would be able to hang on to their well-deserved market share. But Apple shouldn't fire too many bullets in the patent war because there needs to be at least some competition.

Palestine have made the next move

The Palestinians have officially launched their campaign aimed at joining the United Nations as a full member state. Palestinian officials and activists announced the campaign in a letter delivered today to the office of U.N. chief Ban Ki-moon in the West Bank town of Ramallah. It urges the U.N. chief to exert all possible efforts toward the achievement of the Palestinian people's just demands. This is probably not the best way to deal with the issues affecting the wider region and it is also not doing anything to repeal UN Resolution 2758. Maybe if several nations left the UN as a result of the China issue, then the UN could win everyone back by admitting Taiwan. And also, North Korea should be kicked out and South Korea made the sole representatives of the Korean peninsula.

He fought the law... and the law won

A man who marched into a Sydney law office with his daughter and said he had a bomb in his backpack was arrested after a tense 12-hour standoff with police. This is just stupid, and even if one has a beef with the law profession, they especially should not be doing it with their children watching. You can't just walk into a law office with your kid and claim there's a bomb on your person. If you do, you're no better than a terrorist. I hope that bellend goes to prison for his stupidity.

Hey Mr. customer won't you look under your seat

A movie theatre on the Caribbean island of Barbados (flag pictured) currently has a promotion on where every Monday and Wednesday, patrons might find prizes under their seat. I think that would be a good promotion to run in cinemas elsewhere, especially in New Zealand as the Rugby World Cup starts in a few days and having prizes under seats may well draw the rugby fans when they're not at the game blowing their vuvuzelas and harassing supporters of the other team. Also, if Chris Brown thinks he can win Rihanna back just by taking part in that promotion and finding her under his seat, he's in for a big disappointment.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Stingrays

Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of the death of the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin. Steve Irwin died at the hands of the most hated creatures on earth. They are called stingrays and what they did to one of Australia's most well-loved icons was just low. One of his fellow countrymen may have bowled underarm but Irwin still managed to earn way more respect than Trevor Chappell. It's a wonder those murderous creatures are still not extinct like they should be. According to Wikipedia, there are several uses both food and non-food for dead stingrays, so why let those beasts stay alive? Also, they should get rid of all the sharks in our oceans before someone loses an arm like what happened with Bethany Hamilton in 2003.

It ain't over till it's over

Libyan rebels are poised to attack one of Gaddafi's remaining strongholds, saying today that surrender talks have collapsed. Rebels control most of Libya and are moving forward with setting up a new government, but they might hold off on declaring victory until Gaddafi is caught and his remaining strongholds are defeated. Gaddafi and his staunchest allies have been on the run since the fall of the capital late last month. Loyalists have entrenched themselves in several towns, including besieged Bani Walid, some 90 miles southeast of Tripoli. In other words, the war may be as good as won but it's still not over yet. Gaddafi's forces still control now-insignificant pockets of Libya, and if they stay, they can still grow in number and there could eventually be enough of them to take back Libya. This is similar to what happens if you don't finish off a course of antibiotics - even if your symptoms are gone, not all of the bacteria will be, and so you need to continue taking the antibiotics if you don't want the rest of the bacteria growing and in turn developing a resistance to the antibiotics.

Don't drop it like it's trash

Aucklanders face fines of $100 for dropping rubbish in the streets under tough new council proposals. To reinforce Auckland Council's "zero waste" goal, it proposes a $100 fine for dropping small pieces of rubbish, rising to $400 for a second offence within a year. The top first offence fine would be $400 for dropping more than 120 litres of rubbish, or animal remains. This is just the right solution for the world's ever-growing trash problem and harsh policies like that should be implemented in more places. Maybe that will help close up the hole in the ozone layer above Antarctica.

Bad sportsmanship, go away, come again another day

A top netball administrator has hit back at adult spectators and parents for abusing young players and umpires at a children's netball game. The abuse, including swearing at players and supporters of opposition teams, was so bad in one game in Auckland last weekend that play was stopped. Some of the players were left in tears and had to be taken from the court. This is not the sort of behaviour that we want to be encouraging in children's sports, and it just takes the fun out of it all. That is poor sportsmanship coming from the spectators, and New Zealanders have already experienced more than their fair share of poor sports - back in 1981, some lunatic named Trevor Chappell bowled the final ball underarm and some other lunatics disrupted several Springbok games just because of South Africa's apartheid policies when sport should NEVER be mixed with politics.

Apparently eating faster makes you fat

But does it really?

For whom the bellend tolls

This month, the Bellend of the Month is Pat Doube.

The teacher at Mercury Bay Area School in Whitianga allegedly punished two of her students, Madison Finch and Nikale Wilson, for being "over-exuberant" in class. The punishment was that the two 7-year-olds had their mouths taped shut for talking in class, leaving them too afraid to return to school. The mother of one of the kids complained to the Children's Commissioner and the Ministry of Education, and the mother of the other kid said Doube laughed it off when it was raised at a parent-teacher interview. Also, another child in the same class was made to sit in the middle of a circle while other kids said why they didn't like them. Teachers like her do not belong in our schools and would fit in better at a mental asylum. This sort of behaviour is child abuse and she should be fired before it happens again.

We totally schooled Arsenal!

That's right, yesterday morning's Man U v Arsenal clash at Old Trafford ended with an 8-2 victory to Man U, whose goals were apportioned as follows: a hat-trick by Wayne Rooney, two goals by Ashley Young, and one each by Danny Welbeck, Nani, and Ji-Sung Park. Arsenal's goals were by Theo Walcott and Robin van Persie. Five players were booked, of those five, Carl Jenkinson was subsequently sent off.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Samsung Galaxy Tab

The injunction banning that monstrosity in most of the European Union has recently been restricted to just Germany in an appeal, which means the iPad could stand to lose its well-deserved market share in 25 countries. This is a shame because Android devices are stupid and because the hardware and software weren't from the same company like with Apple machines; in other words, hardware and software weren't made for each other, and as a result, there could be big compatibility problems. Stick to the iPad.

Green's not the only colour for Libya

The Arab League has readmitted Libya to the regional bloc, turning over the country's seat to the National Transitional Council (NTC) and effectively recognising the rebel body as the legitimate authority in Libya. Mahmoud Jibril, the deputy chief of the NTC, represented the Libyan delegation at the meeting yesterday in Cairo. He urged Arab nations to help rebuild and stabilise his country and asked the league to assist in unfreezing Libyan assets abroad.

The UN should also turn over a few seats: Libya's seat there should also be given to the NTC, and China's should be shared out between Taiwan and Tibet. Also, they could give Bhutan a second vote in the General Assembly because of their total ban on the sale of tobacco.

Jobs has just been Cooked

If you haven't already guessed by now, Tim Cook has replaced Steve Jobs as CEO of Apple. In other news, Hurricane Irene is coming, so if you're on the East Coast of the US, then you'd better start heading out west.

Gaddafi is going to pay

The US and many European nations have pressed for the release of billions of dollars in frozen Libyan funds to help the cash-strapped rebels as the international community moved ahead on planning for a post-Gaddafi era. The Libyan opposition said it urgently needs at least $5 billion in frozen assets to pay state salaries, maintain vital services, and repair critical oil facilities. It looks as if the rebels will need that money because it will go very far in rebuilding the country after all those months of civil war. This proposal to unfreeze Gaddafi's assets for the rebels to use is the perfect way for that bellend to pay for his 42-year-long reign of terror, and they should do it to some of the other nutjobs who will in time get their butts kicked.

Chilli enough for ya?

Jessica Beagley, a 36-year-old woman from Anchorage, Alaska, was convicted on Tuesday of misdemeanour child abuse after squirting hot sauce into the mouth of her adopted Russian son as punishment in what prosecutors say was a ploy to get on Dr Phil (show logo pictured). She also made the 7-year-old boy stand in a cold shower when he misbehaved. This is the epitome of bad parenting and it is far from effective discipline. Even Amy Chua is a better parent than that bellend and I hope she never gets to see her kid again. That kid was most definitely safer back in Russia.

We're still waiting for Ryan Giggs to score

Being the losers they are, Tottenham lost to Man United yesterday morning (NZ time) at Old Trafford. The final score was 3-0, and the goals were scored by Danny Welbeck, Anderson, and Wayne Rooney. Three players were booked; two from the Spurs and one from Man U.

THE REBELS HAVE TAKEN TRIPOLI!

That's right, folks. The National Transitional Council now has control over much of the Libyan capital and it seems to be over for Gaddafi the Unpopular. Now we can focus on making this whole "Chinese democracy" thing a reality, and we can't take the first step with UN Resolution 2758 still in force. That 40-year-old skidmark on the underpants of international law can be washed out, but those nutjobs in the General Assembly aren't doing jack to let Taiwan back in. Maybe Tibet should also be given a seat.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: The Janitorium

This is one of the stupidest sites known to man. One of the stories on the site, entitled “What Naughty Girls Do”, was just wrong and weird, and it made the others look like Sesame Street by comparison. Part of the disclaimer states that “daddy/daughter stories posted to this archive are 'ageplay' or roleplay fantasies” but this story seems to be anything but. I apologise in advance for the spoiler and the associated creep factor, but right at the end of the story, the adult male character had non-consensual anal sex with the underage female character after she had supposedly defecated (referred to elsewhere in the story as “pinching a loaf”) but before she had time to wipe herself. The line “Daddy loves you” after the whole ordeal was supposedly over made the story that much more disturbing. I'm quite open-minded but I just don't see how that rubbish can be seen as “love”. First off, anal sex just after the intended recipient has defecated, be it straight or gay, consensual or non-consensual, is just gross, and ANY sexual relations with a minor are near-universally regarded as illegal and immoral. If that carry-on happened in real life, I'd expect the “Daddy” would end up behind bars or in a mental hospital.

For the record, the story “A Lesson Learned” features similar conduct but not quite on the same level.

He had a dream, now he has a statue

It has been a long time coming. America has been waiting for it since Dr. King was assassinated. America has been waiting for it since he gave the "I've Been to the Mountaintop" sermon. America has been waiting for it since before he was born. America has been waiting while reaching for the idea that someone might come along and galvanize the nation, raise voices for the poor, not just black, but poor of every color. Now, after all those years, just as somehow it was inevitable that there would one day be a first black president, there is now the first monument of an African American on the National Mall. The memorial stands on a 4-acre plot at the edge of the Tidal Basin between those of Abraham Lincoln and Thomas Jefferson. Its address is 1964 Independence Ave. S.W., a reference to the 1964 Civil Rights Act. That's right, Martin Luther King Jr, the civil rights leader who had a dream, now has a statue on the National Mall. That's a good way for whites to repay blacks after making them endure such horrid rubbish as slavery and segregation, but I hope Obama gets a statue there someday.

OK, so where's the nearest ABORTION clinic?

Planned Parenthood has ended abortion services in three Arizona cities to comply with recent state laws that restrict abortions. Starting yesterday, women will no longer be able to terminate pregnancies at the Planned Parenthood clinics in Prescott Valley, Flagstaff, and Yuma, all of which offered abortions through medication. Women can still receive surgical and medical abortions in the Tucson and Phoenix areas, but those services will cease at some suburban locations. That anti-choice rubbish is just stupid and if Arizona are going to crap on the rights of women like that, then there could be more out-of-state and back-alley abortions among pregnant women in Arizona.

Who is responsible for this travesty? An Arizona appeals court that stupidly allowed key parts of a 2009 state law restricting abortions to take effect. The law also includes a requirement that women see a doctor in person the day before getting an abortion to hear about risks and alternatives (which can be useful because you need to have as much info as you can get before you go in) and allows healthcare workers to refuse to participate in abortions for moral or religious reasons (which is just stupid because if you are in the medical profession and you work for a place that performs abortions, then it is your duty to perform abortions, and if you don't like it, you can always quit or just not turn up in the hope of getting fired).

Joy of Gaddafi's exile hath not stopp'd mine breath

Just as the rebels have captured a town south of Tripoli, Gaddafi is planning to flee Libya. Officials are not completely certain that the Libyan leader will leave but reports point to him considering a move with his family possibly for exile (not like the horrible Enya song of the same name) in Tunisia. In other news, Ruth Aitken is stepping down as the Silver Ferns' coach, the Moon may actually be 200 million years younger than previously thought, and the police force of New Zealand have had to destroy 5500 records of fingerprints and photographs of young offenders to comply with a 2008 law change that unintentionally made it illegal to keep them.

Gaddafi nearly has no oil

Dozens of opposition fighters surrounded Libya’s last functioning oil refinery yesterday and laid siege to about 100 government troops, part of a push that brought them closer to seizing this strategic western city. A rebel victory in Zawiya could be a turning point in the six-month-old war and leave Gaddafi nearly cornered in his increasingly isolated stronghold of Tripoli, the capital, just 30 miles to the east along the Mediterranean coast. I just know that if Gaddafi has no oil, it's almost over for that nutjob because the rebels will have all the oil and potentially all the money. I hope they don't then use that oil to pollute because the last thing the war-torn country needs is another Deepwater Horizon. And besides, Gaddafi is somewhat disadvantaged because over the period of his 42-year-old rule, that bellend deliberately kept Libya's military relatively weak out of as-yet-unfounded fears of a military coup. And I hope the Republic of China takes back all the commie-controlled lands one day.

The rebels are almost at Tripoli

Rebels are advancing towards the Libyan capital after seizing a town between Tripoli and Sirte, the hometown of Gaddafi. The rebels had flushed out troops loyal to Gaddafi from the town of al-Heesha, 140 kilometers west of Sirte, and are advancing as I type. In other words, it's almost over for Gaddafi. So why isn't it over for those commie maggots who aren't letting the rightful occupants of China's seat into the UN? I know why. It was the 70s and everyone in the General Assembly was probably on acid when they passed Resolution 2758. But anyway, Gaddafi needs to step down and leave Libya, or the rebels will remove that loser by force just like what the people of Romania did with Ceausescu.

Man United draw first blood on way to 20th Premiership

The bellends that are West Bromwich Albion had a home game first up, and they lost to Man United, who won 2-1 at The Hawthorns yesterday morning (NZ time). The Baggies' goal came from Shane Long, and fellow Baggie (and Irishman) Steven Reid scored an own goal for Man U. Man United's other goal came from Wayne Rooney, and in total, four bellends (three Baggies and one Man United player) were booked.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Baconnaise

This is one of the worst condiments known to man. This crap is meant to be mayonnaise (which tastes like vomit and besides, I already eat enough fatty food as it is) with a bacon flavouring. Despite having pork flavourings, the novelty mayonnaise is supposed to be kosher and vegetarian. Everything's better with bacon, but I'm still not going to eat that crap. I'd recommend this weird product to people who want heart disease but are too lazy to cook the bacon, however, if I was in that position, I'd happily eat the bacon raw, and wash it down with a glass of bacon grease.

The Game is almost over

Jayceon Terrell Taylor, better known by his rapping name The Game, could face criminal charges (he could face charges of maliciously disrupting or impeding communications over a public safety radio frequency, obstruction of justice, or other charges related to delaying a peace officer from doing their job) after a tweet from his Twitter account incited a telephone flash mob that overwhelmed the emergency phone system at one of the busiest stations of the Los Angeles County sheriff's department. The sheriff's department alleges The Game tweeted the Compton station's phone number and told his 580,000 followers to call the number if they wanted a music internship. That bellend should at least get a huge fine because his social networking faux pas meant phones at the southeast Los Angeles County station started ringing at 5:23 p.m. local time on Friday, and the lines were jammed by hundreds of calls for more than two hours, so the authorities had to bring in additional help. The homicide rate in Compton has gone down over 50 percent in recent years and crime is down in Compton, but it's particularly helpful when the public can contact the police station to report more serious issues. He has tarnished his image as a respected musician (like Chris Brown did when he beat up on Rihanna in 2009) by pulling such a stupid online prank.

The boy, the boy, the boy is on fire

A 17-year-old boy has been arrested after a 16-year-old boy was set on fire overnight in Hastings, and that nutjob has thankfully been charged with wounding with intent and causing grievous bodily harm. This is completely irresponsible behaviour on the teen's part and that of the parents that should've been supervising the gathering. If that other boy died, there would be homicide charges of some sort laid against that maggot. I hope he gets an adequate punishment for his horrid misdeed.

It's almost over for the Colonel

Rebels pushed northward yesterday on three fronts toward the coastal cities of al-Zawiya (which is strategically important because the coastal road through the city is the main supply line from the Tunisian border to areas held by Gaddafi the Tyrant,) Aziziya, and Sorman, with their ultimate goal being Tripoli, and the rebels should reach the coastal road that leads to the capital city within days. This is good news indeed, along with the Libyan embassy in Washington, DC re-opening under rebel control. However, if such good is being done in Libya, the international community can try turning their back on the People's Republic of China. For instance, countries should start boycotting international organisations if the illegitimate communist regime is a member of said organisation. But I hope the rebels soon take out Gaddafi.

Looks like airport security is da bomb

A woman has been arrested after allegedly attempting to 'test' airport security with a fake bomb just before a flight to Des Moines. The woman, named Lewiza Daman, is accused of trying to sneak the fake bomb past TSA officials at Sky Harbour Airport in Phoenix, Arizona. These sorts of jokes are just plain stupid, especially with the tenth anniversary of 9/11 just a month away. There were other people on the flight in question and they would've feared for their own lives had the fake bomb made it on board. I hope that maggot goes to prison for her thoughtless prank.

How's this one for girl power?

Expensive high-tech digital radios used by the FBI, Secret Service, and Homeland Security are designed so poorly that they can be jammed by a $30 children's toy. A GirlTech IMME is a pink instant-messaging device marketed to pre-teen girls (but it is a lot cheaper to use than a cellphone), and as mentioned above, can be used to disrupt sensitive radio communications used by every major federal law enforcement agency. This is the epitome of defective design and it could be quite worrying should criminals find out how to make a jammer out of such an innocent device. However, this can be prevented by turning encryption on, which it has also been found that many federal agents don't do.

In other technology news, Operating Systems Solutions, a Florida-based company, recently sued Apple in the U.S. District Court for the Middle District of Florida, alleging that the Mac maker's desktop operating system violates a patent it owns for quickly booting an OS. However, Apple won a preliminary injunction in a German court banning the Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 from every nation in the European Union except for the Netherlands (27 - 1 = 26 nations in all).

In dog we trust... or maybe not

Rosie, the first judicially approved courtroom dog in New York, was in the witness box at the Dutchess County Courthouse in Poughkeepsie nuzzling a 15-year-old girl who was testifying that her father had raped and impregnated her. Rosie sat by the teenager’s feet. At particularly bad moments, she leaned in. When the trial ended in June with that incestuous scumbag’s conviction, the teenager was most grateful to Rosie. Now an appeal planned by the defense lawyers is placing Rosie, who was named after civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks, at the heart of a legal debate that will test whether there will be more of the dogs in courtrooms in New York and, possibly, other states.

Defense lawyers argue that the dogs may unfairly sway jurors with their cuteness and the natural empathy they attract, whether a witness is telling the truth or not. That may be true, but the courtroom dogs can be a crucial comfort to those enduring the ordeal of testifying, especially children. Even though sometimes the dog means the difference between a conviction and an acquittal, that first-class loser, whose name is Victor Tohom, got exactly what he deserved (25 years to life).

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Orinoco Flow by Enya

Yesterday, I saw the movie Larry Crowne. The real complaint this time round is in the movie theater's choice of music played between sessions. One of the songs I heard while waiting for the previews to come on was one of the most horrible non-Justin Bieber songs known to man. In fact, Justin Bieber wasn't even born when that crap was released. That's right, I'm talking about Orinoco Flow (single cover pictured) by Enya. That tune was one of the worst tunes of 1988 and it sucks big time. Enya might not sound like Elmo on helium, but her music is still total rubbish. I'd rather listen to Johnny Rebel (whose songs tend to feature the N word) than that crap.

There'll be less drunks behind the wheel

From midnight last night, a zero-alcohol policy has been enforced on teenage drivers in New Zealand. The government introduced the measure - along with raising the driving age to 16 - in a bid to lower the serious crash rate involving young drivers. This is the sort of change that the rest of the world now needs, and if New Zealand is annexed by the USA, it would be harder still for youths to get booze because the drinking age in the States is 21. In fact, the new rule should apply to everybody. I'm not saying to ban alcohol entirely, but the legal limit should be zero for ALL drivers, and there should also be less of Justin Bieber, whose music should only be played during interrogations at Guantanamo.

Commodore vs Colonel: who will win?

Fiji have banned the importation of some of the eleven herbs and spices needed for KFC's chicken until the 72-year-old recipe is revealed. Commodore Bainimarama seriously needs to get a life because even North Korea allow the required plant matter (not that KFC would even consider expanding to that commie-run wasteland). Either the biosecurity authority is a bit overzealous or Bainimarama wants to open up a goverment-run clone (which could have a name like Fiji Chicken or Commodore's Original Recipe) with the Colonel's recipe. Whatever one it is, at least that bellend has no control over New Zealand's supply of the Colonel's chicken.

He say bill, he say bill, he say bill-o!

It’s hard not to feel ripped off when you get hit with unexpected roaming charges while traveling abroad, whether these come from making phone calls or checking e-mail. Take it from Jeff Gardner, who received a bill from Verizon for US$11,000 after spending four days in Jamaica. Before the trip, Mr. Gardner, who runs a fly-fishing business in Grayling, Michigan, said he called Verizon to find out what it would cost to use his cellphone for calls and his wireless air card to check e-mail on his laptop while in the Caribbean. He said he was told that calls would be about $2 a minute and that there would be no extra charges for data as he was on an unlimited plan. The latter part turned out to be wrong.

I don’t mind paying a fair amount for fair service, but $11,000 for just four days is ridiculous, especially considering Mr. Gardner used his phone sparingly on the trip. That statement Verizon made about there being “no extra charges for data” is an outright lie and I'm just thankful those nutjobs aren't providing any services in New Zealand. Mr. Gardner should sue.

Happy 50th, Obama!

Barack Hussein Obama might have a name that sounds like that of a terrorist, and he might not keep the trains running on time, but he has the potential to lead America out of the hole that Bush dragged it in. In other news, Mark Zuckerberg's sister Randi is leaving Facebook to start her own company.

No bad cheques this time round

The debt ceiling has been increased again, but Congress should just abolish the ceiling because it has been raised 74 times since March 1962 (including 18 times under Reagan, eight times under Clinton, seven times under Bush, and three times to date under Obama), and it's just getting redundant now. Even if this means US public debt reaches 15-digit amounts of money, there will always be a way to prevent any possibility of defaults on the debt already incurred. But they can fix this by having more taxes. For instance, the reason those nutjobs won't ban alcohol or tobacco is for the tax money. If they're after taxes, they can legalise pot or cocaine, or put taxes on foodstuffs containing caffeine, which can sometimes be classed as a drug. Or to cut down on prison costs (which are in part funded by taxes), alternative sentencing like the death penalty or judicial canings could be used, freeing up more money to reduce national debt. Another way to cut down on the ever-increasing debt would be to just print more money, which is what they should've done in the first place.

The saga ends today

This is the third and final part of our story. There were more bad cheques in May (more specifically, on the weekend the fourth, and hopefully last, Pirates of the Caribbean movie came out): on the 21st, she went to Paper Plus and bought stationery for $246.06, and on the Sunday at the New World in Waitara, she signed a cheque for $465.14. Dick Smith Electronics in New Plymouth was also out $1018.87 because of her bad cheques. When the police caught up with her on the 27th, she told them she was expecting $20,000 from ACC and needed to buy food and supplies as she waited for it to be deposited, but police inquiries revealed the ACC story was yet another ruse. The motorbikes have since been repossessed, but there was still $3095.74 owed to various parties, who have asked the court for reparation. That scumbag is to be sentenced on September 7, and in addition to being our Bellend of the Month AND the Weekly Gross-out, I hope she goes to prison for a long, long time.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Janice Rae Smith

This is Part 2 of yesterday's story. Due to the nature of the crimes committed by that scumbag, we have taken advantage of the fact that last month ended on a Sunday so that her cheque fraud can be the subject of our Bellend of the Month AND the Weekly Gross-out. Now let's get on with the dissemination.

On April 7, after she moved to New Plymouth, she had a Freeview dish installed at her home, and naturally, she paid the installer with a cheque. But when she tried to close the account the same day (while I, on the other hand, was actually using my brain in trying to decide which day that weekend to see Rio and which day to see Just Go With It, and yes I did enjoy both movies), the bank told her she couldn't close it (smart move on the bank's part) because she was in arrears for all the dishonoured cheque fees that had been imposed. Two days later she wrote out a $254,000 cheque for her partner, but that wasn't quite it for her. Part 3 will be up tomorrow.

Cheque this out

Excuse the bad pun, but the Bellend of the Month is a Janice Rae Smith of New Plymouth, who admitted 16 charges of fraudulently using a document; in this case, $300,000 worth of bad cheques. Smith had opened the cheque account in March at the ASB branch in Masterton, telling the bank she was going to be self-employed and would be getting about $15,000 a month, but no money was ever deposited. On the day she got her cheque book, she bought a Harley and $20,495 of accessories, and spent a further $4054 on a second motorcycle, groceries, and a restaurant dinner. Near the end of March, she bought a third motorcycle worth $2389.50, toys, games and clothing from the Masterton Warehouse to the tune of $572.77, $809.45 worth of food from New World, and Warehouse Stationery goods valued at $385.34. The cheques were all dishonoured, but that maggot's fraudulent spending didn't end there. Part 2 will be up tomorrow.

Even we're saying no to Syria

Around 200 people marched up Queen Street in Auckland today to protest against Syrian President Bashar al-Assad's regime. The group aims to encourage the New Zealand government to put pressure on al-Assad to step down from power and allow democracy to take effect. But if they want to bring democracy to Syria, then why not China? Taiwan can take the final steps towards secession but a better option would be for Taiwan to declare war on China and reclaim all their land in the name of the Republic of China. Once that's done, we can take on North Korea. And get rid of Justin Bieber. And cancel Two and a Half Men and maybe Jersey Shore as well.

San Francisco's a city, not a concentration camp!

A San Francisco County Superior Court judge ruled yesterday that a measure prohibiting male circumcision should be taken off the November ballot. She wants it off the ballot because she said that it is "expressly preempted" by the California Business and Professions Code. Under that statute, only the state is allowed to regulate medical procedures, and the ruling says that the evidence presented is overwhelmingly persuasive that circumcision is a widely practiced medical procedure. I don't support the wanton removal of perfectly healthy genital tissue but an outright ban might discriminate against Jews and Muslims, whose religious beliefs both call for such otherwise unjustified violence toward minors. It's a good thing they got that measure off the ballot because had it passed, laws against synagogues could've been next and San Francisco might get the unflattering nickname of New Auschwitz.

It's just a matter of faith

An atheist group has filed a lawsuit seeking to prevent a cross made out of World Trade Center steel beams from going on display at the 9/11 Memorial Museum. American Atheists sued this week in state court arguing that the group opposes the placement of the cross, which is made of two intersecting steel beams, in the museum because members believe it is the only religious article getting special accommodation there. I don't blame them for not wanting the cross there - America is a secular state and besides, not all of the victims of 9/11 were Christians. If the cross goes in, then it's only fair that the memorial allow atheists and other belief groups to include their own displays of equal size. This is just like schools teaching the myth of creation instead of what really happened, which is known as evolution. All life evolved from the sea, hence our need for salt, and over millions of years, the different creatures all adapted to survive, bringing us the current varieties of flora and fauna. That doesn't need any creator gods at all, and there is no proof that what the Bible says about this rubbish is true.

Time for a revolution

The Algerian government is working to prevent North Africa's revolutionary tide from reaching its shores, but they could be next in line for revolution. There have been successful revolutions in Tunisia (where the "Arab spring" started) and Egypt (whose ex-tyrant Hosni Mubarak is reportedly on a hunger strike) and Algeria could be next to go under. It's just a matter of time, but it will happen sooner or later.

The effect has been so strong that local governments in the eastern part of Algeria have instructed police to relax street regulations, including allowing motorists to drive without a proper vehicle tax document. Police have also been told to ignore illegal street traders and refrain from collecting taxes from shopkeepers if they claim their business has been affected by the activities of such traders. So far the policy of appeasement and concession has worked well for the Algerian government. But it won't last. Algeria is certainly not immune from the Arab spring.

Too late again, naturally

Since drought gripped the Horn of Africa, and especially since famine was declared in parts of Somalia, the international aid industry has swept in and out of refugee camps and remote hamlets in branded planes and snaking lines of white 4x4s. However, not all of the shipments arrive in good time. A U.N. official near a cluster of huts in northern Kenya had filmed on his iPad the rotting carcass of a cow arriving on an aid caravan. This is not good enough because now, the meat is not safe for human consumption. The slow speed of the aid caravan is a total joke (unlike the famine of course) and the other foodstuffs that were in the caravan could easily have gone off as well. The drought gripping the region straddling Somalia, Kenya and Ethiopia is the worst in 60 years, and it's affecting more than 12 million people, all of whom could die. Food needs to reach the area, and it has to be something safe to eat, not just a cow carcass with maggots all over it.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Gonorrhoea

More specifically, a new superbug form that was recently discovered in Japan. This new superbug, dubbed H041, has actually evolved to a point where previous forms of antibiotics have no effect on it whatsoever. Gonorrhoea is caused by Neisseria gonorrhoeae, a bacterium that can grow and multiply easily in the warm, moist areas of the reproductive tract, including the cervix (opening to the womb), uterus (womb), and fallopian tubes (egg canals) in women, and in the urethra (urine canal) in women and men. The bacterium can also grow in the mouth, throat, eyes and anus; and each generation of gonorrhoea gets gradually stronger and develops a resistance to antibiotics. Since this latest strain is immune to all known forms of treatment, it is a superbug, and if they don't find an antibiotic for it soon, then it could pose a serious health risk. I would most definitely recommend wearing a condom if you're going to have sex (unless you're trying to have a baby of course) and getting yourself checked beforehand because this superbug could run the risk of being more deadly than HIV/AIDS.

FIVE HUNDRED POSTS!

And the 27 Club has accepted a new member today: Amy Winehouse. She joins greats like Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Kurt Cobain, along with some less familiar names like Lily Tembo, in a group comprising exclusively of musicians who died at the age of 27. This is just one of the many things that could happen if you let fame get to your head. Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe was a lot smarter than that: he realised that he was partying too hard and recently decided to entirely cut out alcohol. If Amy Winehouse had just pointed a wand at drugs and alcohol and used the "avada kedavra" spell on them, she would still be alive today. This is a big tragedy for the music industry (too bad it wasn't Justin Bieber).

500 POSTS TOMORROW!

And today, South Korean Foreign Minister Kim Sung Hwan met briefly with his North Korean counterpart, Pak Ui Chun. I just don't see what the deal with there still being two Koreas is supposed to be. I have always supported a version of the one-China policy just to avoid confusion over the names PRC (most commonly referred to as China even though those commies should never have been allowed in to begin with) and ROC (the real China, also known as Taiwan), and there should be one China, whether under ROC control or without the ROC-controlled islands of Taiwan, Kinmen, Penghu, and Matsu. The same thing should happen on the Korean Peninsula, with the two Koreas being united under South Korean rule.

Come on Bashar, leave!

As anthems go, this one is fittingly blunt. “Come on Bashar, leave,” it declares to Syrian President (and tyrant) Bashar al-Assad. And in the weeks since it was heard in protests in the Syrian city of Hama, the song has become a symbol of the power of the protesters’ message, the confusion in their ranks and the violence of the government in stopping their dissent. I agree with the message because al-Assad needs to go NOW. Also, there needs to be some major democratic reforms in China, whether it comes from the Republic of China taking all the territory or the "people's republic" becoming a truly democratic nation, whether with or without the island of Taiwan. Personally, I favour the ROC righting an over 60-year-old wrong and taking back all the PRC-controlled lands (and their seat in the UN) by force (and maybe North Korea as well). And to fight back at the severe mistreatment of women in Saudi Arabia (where having a vagina instead of a penis means one has the permanent status of a child), they should abolish the misogynistic state and split its land evenly between the bordering nations of Jordan, Iraq, Oman, and Yemen (their leaders might not be so great but at least the women in those four countries get to drive - in fact, women can drive even in North Korea). And one more: the USA should annex Cuba (and possibly New Zealand so frequent travellers to the States won't be subject to the post-9/11 airport security practice of touching passengers' private areas during the pat-down).

Crunch on this

Products get knocked off all the time: designer bags, Oscar-night dresses, and watches. But entire stores? That's something new. Which is why the Internet is going crazy over a blogger's report that three fake Apple stores have popped up in her neighborhood in Kunming, China (more specifically, the ridiculously large part that's controlled by the wrong government).

Speaking of Apple, the company updated its thin-and-light MacBook Air laptops yesterday, alongside the much anticipated release of Lion, while also unceremoniously discontinuing its white entry-level MacBook line. The new MacBook Air notebook computers, which lack optical drives, gain speedier Intel processors ranging from the 1.6GHz dual-core Core i5 chip in the lower-end 11-inch-screen model to the dual-core 1.8GHz Core i7. The i5 and i7 processors are known for being pretty powerful, with variations of this chip line running in Apple's MacBook Pros and iMac computers. Now that the MacBook has been discontinued, Apple's lineup is without a white-coloured laptop for the first time in ten years (and no, it's not anything to do with race even though Steve Jobs is partly of Syrian descent). And for the record, the Mac mini is also dispensing with the optical drive (another example of Apple pushing users toward a disc-free future).

BUT WHY CAN'T THE WORLD JUST DISPENSE WITH THOSE COMMIE MAGGOTS BEHIND THE "PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC" OF CHINA?

Just clearing the mines, boss

Libyan government forces in trucks disguised with rebel flags have shelled opposition positions near the strategic eastern oil town of Brega, killing 13 rebel fighters and wounding dozens more. Rebel forces have been pushing to seize the frontline town, which is home to an oil refinery and terminal, for nearly a week, but minefields planted by Gaddafi's forces have slowed the advance. The rebels are now in positions 10km east of the oil port, working to clear the mines so they can move forward. This sort of rubbish is a new low for Gaddafi because planting landmines is stupid and inhuman, especially coming from people working for somebody who is already subject to an international warrant of arrest. This conflict would be a lot easier for the rebels if they had their own ruse of war in the form of a white flag.

Sooner or later, God'll cool you down... NOT!

A major heat wave this weekend has prompted officials in 17 American states to issue heat warnings and advisories. At least two hot weather-related deaths have been reported, and forecasters say the high heat is expected to spread over the next few days. And apparently, it's been so hot for so long in Oklahoma that Governor Mary Fallin has called for a statewide day of prayer in hope of some divine intervention. If you want to turn to some fictional higher power (and fail in the process), then go ahead but don't expect me to be a part of it. There is no higher power of any sort in control of the weather anywhere, therefore, prayer just isn't going to work. You could always move to Antarctica if you can't stand the heat.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: Geordie Shore

Geordie Shore, if you don't already know what the deal is, is a British ripoff of MTV reality show Jersey Shore - in other words, horrible made worse. Jersey Shore is just another stupid reality show and like any reality show, it's horrible enough without the British getting their hands on it and making the shows even worse than they already are. MTV doesn't need any more reality shows, let alone British rip-offs. They're all fake and all the catfights on most of those shows are just another act to increase ratings. I don't watch Jersey Shore and I most definitely won't be watching Geordie Shore anytime soon.

Don't ask, don't tell - now with don't discharge

In the latest legal twist on the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, a San Francisco federal appeals court reinstated the law but ordered the government not to investigate, penalize or discharge any soldier who is openly gay. It's another curve in the military's path toward rescinding the 1993 law that barred military service by gays and lesbians who disclose their sexual orientation, but at least now you can't be kicked out just for being openly gay, in effect making the policy somewhat pointless. But if Obama wants another term in office, he'd better shape up and expedite the process of repealing that stupid and rubbish piece of legislation once and for all, maybe using an executive order or even proposing an amendment to the Constitution to force the military to accept openly gay soldiers because a gay soldier could make all the difference if the entire military is ever sent to North Korea to remove that despot Kim Jong-Il from power.

Now to take care of the China issue

The Libya Contact Group has recognized the opposition National Transitional Council as the sole and legitimate representative of the country's people. Yesterday's announcement came at a press conference in Istanbul, held shortly after the bloc's fourth meeting ended. In a final statement issued after the meeting, more than 30 nations, including the US, have formally recognised the country's main opposition group as its legitimate government, until a new interim authority can be created. But if they can say no to Colonel Gaddafi the Unpopular and his regime, then why can't the world just say no to those commie nutjobs from the "people's republic" that are under some false impression that they're representing China? This is one wrong that has gone unrighted for almost 40 years and it shouldn't wait too much longer, and one way to right this is for the US to add an amendment to their constitution (or consbreastution if your swear filter is a bit over-sensitive) forbidding them from entering into diplomatic relations with the illegitimate government or any country that recognises those commies. Once this amendment cuts almost everyone else off from the States, they'll all go onto the real China's side just to get back onto America's side, and then those commies will fall and a legitimate regime can take its rightful place in the world.

Intolerance will not be back (I hope)

Jerry Brown has signed a bill making California the first state in the nation to add lessons about gays and lesbians to social studies classes in public schools. Brown, a Democrat, signed the landmark bill requiring public schools to include the contributions of people who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender in social studies curricula. The Democratic-majority Legislature had passed the bill last week on a largely party-line vote. It's good news they're finally realising that history should be honest. This bill revises existing laws that prohibit discrimination in education and ensures that the important contributions of Americans from all backgrounds and walks of life are included in their history books. But there is room in the law for improvement: the law only covers public schools and doesn't extend to private schools and nutjobs who homeschool their kids (this means they brainwash their brood with their own possibly questionable values). But now, there can be more tolerance in California. They should try cracking Texas next.

It's a dream come true

Bars and restaurants with no booze; stores with no cigarettes: that's the picture coming into focus in Minnesota, as the effects of the state's government shutdown ripple through society. The reasons range from expired liquor permits (which can't be renewed) to a lack of cigarette tax stamps (which can't be purchased). With the sale of alcohol and tobacco closely regulated and taxed, stores are quickly running through their supplies, and they're asking for special dispensations that would help them serve their customers. This should be good news for the people of Minnesota, because with no alcohol, then there'll be no drunken bellends causing disturbances late at night, and without tobacco, there'll be less smokers causing problems for others with their second hand smoke. As an added bonus, the health problems associated with both of those evils will be flying out the door. Unless, of course, people start going to businesses in a nearby state to get their unhealthy-but-legal fill.

They're not kidding around here

At McDain's Restaurant, in Monroeville, Pennsylvania, kids don't eat free. And starting Saturday, they don't get to eat at all. Mike Vuick, owner of the Pittsburgh area eatery has just announced a ban on children under 6 at his casual dining establishment. After receiving noise complaints from customers about crying kids at neighboring tables, Vuick decided to institute the policy, which is a bit extreme but it may well keep the little brats from ruining other peoples' good time - they can just ruin it for the patrons of more child-friendly establishments instead. This practice is not illegal; in fact, last year, North Carolina's Olde Salty restaurant made a similar decision. Owner Brenda Armes posted a sign that read "Screaming children will not be tolerated", making it clear to parents when their kids scream, they'll be asked to take it outside. Armes said the move has boosted business, and Vuick is confident his ban will benefit McDain's as well. There are other ways to discourage parents from bringing their whiny kids in, for instance, changing the menu dishes to only serving broccoli or changing the names of the dishes to incorporate profanity (e.g. a F***burger, S*** Steak, or A***-p*** salad) and threats directed towards characters from childrens' TV programmes (e.g. Big Bird Must Die nuggets, Captain Feathersword Sucks fries, or We Hate Elmo sundae).

Haven't the Jews suffered enough?

Firefighters battled a four alarm fire at a synagogue in Manhattan that covered a large swath of the Upper East Side in smoke. About 170 firefighters responded to the blaze which began at about 8:30 last night local time at Congregation Kehilath Jeshurun Synagogue on East 85th Street between Lexington and Park avenues, according to a fire department spokesman. This is possibly the work of neo-Nazis and there is no need for such anti-Semitic behaviour in this day and age. The synagogue's roof collapsed and five firefighters suffered minor injuries as a result of this intolerant behaviour. Nobody should have to endure this sort of suffering, no matter how far-fetched their personal beliefs might seem to others, and I hope they find whoever caused this tragedy and have them charged with a hate crime.

WEEKLY GROSS-OUT: UN Resolution 2758

This week, the gross-out is one of the most horrid international laws ever written: United Nations General Assembly Resolution 2758. It came into force on 25 October 1971, and it recognises the representatives of the People's Republic of China as "the only legitimate representative of China to the United Nations" and expelled the representatives of Chiang Kai-shek "from the place which they unlawfully occupy at the United Nations." This is just horrible and it should never have come into effect. Those communist bullies should never have been given China's seat on the UN Security Council, which rightfully belongs to the real China (which is currently centred around Taiwan). In fact, if the UN had any sense, they would punish those commie rejects by expelling them from the UN, replacing them with Taiwan, and giving Tibet a seat in the UN.

AFSCME v. Quinn: who will win?

Illinois’s largest employee union, the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees, filed a lawsuit today in an attempt to force Governor Pat Quinn to dole out raises for 33,000 workers that were scheduled to go into effect on July 1. Quinn moved to block the pay hikes when he made changes last week to the state budget that lawmakers sent him, saying they "did not set aside enough money to cover the increases". They would never have impeached Rod Blagojevich if they knew that two years down the line, Quinn would violate the terms of the union’s contract with the state, as well as state and federal equal protection laws. The lawsuit was filed late Friday in a Springfield federal court, and it asks to restore the pay increases for workers in fourteen different agencies. You can't just reneg on an agreement you made, and by shoving proposed pay increases to one side, that bellend was doing just that. Amy Chua, who was supposedly born in Illinois, would make a better Governor at the moment, if not a better parent. Even Oscar the Grouch or Colonel Gaddafi or Kim Jong-il or Sideshow Bob would be better suited than that maggot Pat Quinn for the position of Governor of Illinois.

An issue that splits like Sudan

Sorry if that one was a bit too soon, but here's the gem for today: Michigan liquor regulators have switched their position and will allow sales of a Maryland-based beer with a name thats offensive to some people. Flying Dog Brewery, which already sells some of their other beers in Michigan, has received approval to promote and sell a popular India pale ale called Raging Bitch. Despite this victory, Flying Dog still has a First Amendment lawsuit pending in federal court in Grand Rapids, and the company is proceeding with the case despite the liquor control commission's decision, and I would've done the same thing too because that doesn't make the lawsuit go away. Most companies would take what Michigan did and say, 'Great, I can sell my beer and move on down the road,' but this lawsuit may well force the issue in the other 49 states when it comes to approving Raging Bitch for sale. I hope the beer sells well despite the name.

The South will come out tomorrow

When South Sudan becomes Africa’s newest country tomorrow, the “Lost Boys of Sudan” will reportedly be celebrating the occasion with their fellow South Sudanese. If you're wondering what the deal with the "lost boys" is, the tale goes like so: during Sudan’s 21-year civil war, thousands of young boys, most of those being from the Dinka ethnic group, were separated from their families and forced to walk about 1,000 miles to reach safe havens. But enough about that: the big day is tomorrow and that means that Africa's largest nation will split into two, one half continuing to have a suspected war criminal as president, and one half which will start afresh and hopefully not become the authoritarian wastelands that several Arab countries were until this year when the people decided they'd had enough. Tomorrow, South Sudan will be the first new country since Kosovo, and you can bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there'll be South (Sudan, that is).

The Olympics are coming back to South Korea!

But that's not until 2018. Right now, let's get to today, and to some more serious issues. South Korea is breaking new ground today on another resettlement facility for North Korean defectors, reflecting the increasing number of people escaping food shortages and harsh living conditions of the hermit state. At the resettlement centers, hundreds of defectors learn how to live in a free and prosperous nation, the exact opposite of the nation they have fled. The oldest "student" is 84 years of age and will probably not get much time to use his/her new-found freedom, and the youngest is just one month old and unlikely to ever remember having lived in a communist hellhole. Daily lessons teach the basics of life in South Korea such as how to buy a subway ticket, open a bank account, and how to understand the language (sure both nations speak Korean, but in the North, the Korean spoken is, thanks to the work of Kim Il-Sung and his son Kim Jong-Il, devoid of the outside influences that can be heard in the Korean spoken in South Korea). This will definitely bring down Kim Jong-il's government, and if that's the way he's going to run his side of the 38th parallel, then maybe he's not the right person for the land and the entire US military should finish their tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan, and when they're available, overrun Pyongyang and destroy that maggot's cult of personality once and for all.

He completely fudged it by packing

A US teenager has gone on trial in California accused of shooting dead a classmate because he was homosexual. Prosecutors say Brandon McInerney smuggled a handgun into a school near Los Angeles in February 2008 and shot 15-year-old Larry King (no relation to the famed CNN anchor) twice from behind as he sat at a computer. Prosecutors also say McInerney, who was 14 at the time, was influenced by Nazi ideology. He has pleaded not guilty to murder and to committing a hate crime, for which that maggot should most definitely be sent to juvie. This sort of homophobic behaviour is not on, be it directed at fags, fudge-packers, butt-pirates, queers, batty boys, or whatever other hurtful names are directed at gays. I hope he gets what's coming to him.